Those Aren't Pillows!

We Don't Live Here Anymore

2008-06-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

This place is dead anyways.

This place isn't.

The Musical Fruit

2008-02-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

I have been going to the gym again. Last night I decided I would just set my iPod to "Shuffle Songs" and let it go - no fast forwarding, no skipping songs, just listening to every song that was randomly chosen. Here is the (terrifying) list:

Public Enemy "Can't Truss It"
Spice Girls "Wannabe"
Bud Light Presents Real American Heroes "Mr. Inspirational Poster Writer"
Rogue Wave "California"
Movie Soundtrack "Theme from Fargo"
Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"
T-Pain "I'm In Love With a Stripper"
Simon & Garfunkel "The Boxer"
Pat McGee Band "Walking in Memphis"
Dave Matthews Band "The Space Between Us"
Radiohead "Street Spirit"
Destiny's Child "Bootylicious"
Beethoven "Symphony No. 9"
Kid Rock "So Hot!"
TV Theme Song "The A Team"
Def Leppard "Armageddon It"
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony "Crossroads"
Shania Twain "Man! I Feel Like a Woman"
Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten"
REM "Man on the Moon"
Akon featuring Snoop Dogg "I Wanna F*ck You"
Van Halen "Love Walks In"
Third Eye Blind "Jumper (Acoustic)"
Jane's Addiction "Jane Says"

Not exactly the soundtrack to "Pumping Iron" but maybe the soundtrack to "Pumping 10-Year Old Malaysian Boys." I think fitness expert and noted heterosexual Richard Simmons says it best:

I guess some of those songs aren't tragic. But a lot of them are. When the hell did a gay man hijack my iPod??? At least no Cher or Celine Dion was played. I am not saying there never is, I am just saying there wasn't any this time. But its not like you jackals don't have some embarassing sh!t on your iPods. Right?

Me needs to make some playlists ASAP.

Super Bowl XLII: A Photo Essay

2008-02-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

So... I headed on over to Arizona for Super Bowl XLII, between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. I know everyone hates the Patriots and wanted them to lose, but they are my favorite sports team and I took the loss pretty hard. Forgetting for a moment any illegal videotaping activities (my own at my place of employment, as well as the Patriots' filming of other teams' signals and/or practices), I feel like I can still root for the Pats and feel good about it because of the salary cap and the NFL draft - unlike baseball, the Pats can't just outspend other teams, or draft players other teams can't draft because they can't meet the player's salary demands, in order to field a superior team. It just feels more "fair," no matter what you think about coach Bill Betamax (my original joke - I just made that up).

I took a few pictures while I was there. I took these pictures with my cell phone, and my cell phone doesn't have a flash, so most of the pictures didn't turn out so good. Not that bad pictures should be surprising, I am the guy who traveled to Italy and used a cell phone camera while I was there to chronicle my trip. I did this because I am an idiot. At least the current camera has a resolution of more than one megapixel. My brother had a "real" digital camera with him, but he has yet to share the photos with me. For instance, Glendale, where the stadium is, is way in the hell out in the middle of nowhere, about 35 minutes from Phoenix. As we were cabbing out to the stadium on Sunday, we had to pull to the side to make way for the Giants' motorcade - two buses with obviously huge dudes on them, surrounded by about eight police motorcycles. My brother got photos of this (they were on his side of the cab), I did not. It was the first of many times I got choked up this day, as going to the Super Bowl was a really big deal for me. Maybe seeing the Giants bus was a bad omen. In any event, let's get to the photos:

Here are a couple of shots of the Miller Lite pregame party. There is a mall complex across the street from the stadium, with about 8 bars, 4 restaurants, and some sports clothes-type stores. The entire area was closed off and there were several beer vendors in the middle of the mall area. There are a lot more people there than it seems from the photos - you could move around the outside (where I was taking the pictures) but not the inside, and the beer lines were 25 minutes long. I've read that the fan mix at the game was about 50/50, but I would have put it at 65/35 Pats. Before we headed over to this party, we drank quarts of beer in the parking lot of the stadium. Just being there really did give me chills - for the most part it was worth the exorbitant price of admission.

(Incidentally, this was the only "official" Super Bowl party we went to... I had a friend who knows people working on getting us into the Maxim, EA Sports and NFL Players parties, but according to this friend there wasn't much he could do because I "can't really do any favors for any of these people." As they say, the Super Bowl has really been taken away from the fans.)

Allow me to introduce you to Bad Omen #2. This "flaggot" had on a Pats flag for a cape, a boa, and a gay-looking Pats sweater. It really was a sublime combination of arrogance and gayness. I did not speak with this man.

This is a picture of my brother at the pregame party. As you can see, he also likes the Pats. I wasn't quite this decked out - I had on a Ben Watson jersey underneath the gray hoodie Bill Betamax usually wears (I have not cut the sleeves out though - this is not an inexpensive hoodie). The hat he is wearing says something to the effect of "New England Patriots - Three Time Super Bowl Champs 2001, 2003, 2004." The bright side is that with the loss, my brother doesn't have to buy a new hat. (That is his joke, to give credit where credit is due.)

Here is the Super Bowl XLII "monument" inside the secured area around the stadium. There were a lot of street preachers telling people they would go to hell all weekend - maybe they were referring to the worship of false idols such as this one. As you can see, it was quite tall. We entered the stadium about an hour before kickoff, and the party that had been happening around this area was wrapping up so we just headed in to our seats.

Here are two somewhat attractive chicks who were sitting a few rows down from us. They had been working as promotions girls all weekend, and apparently were rewarded with tickets to the game. These girls were not the least bit interested in the game, and disppeared shortly after halftime - maybe they talked their way into a luxury box or something. As I think about it now, I should have gotten a shot of them with me or my brother, but I was shooting this picture in stealth mode. In any event, they both had big boobs.

This is a terrible photo of the halftime show. I was in the bathroom for the start of the show, but Tom Petty's band sounded really good. I was taken to a Petty concert in Walnut Creek by a couple of friends, and the band sounded way better this time. When I got back to my seat, the scene was pretty incredible - everyone had out these purple keychain lights they gave you. It was the best concert atmosphere I'd ever been in. Incidentally, the game was the best football atmosphere I'd ever been in - the energy before kickoff was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I usually am a Coughlin's law "never show surprise, never lose your cool" type of guy, but I was downright giddy to be there.

This is the Pats about to break the huddle on third and goal, late in the 4th quarter. The next play is the Brady to Moss TD pass. Our whole section went nuts when that happened - there was much high-fiving, crying and hugging to be done. Would have probably been the most fun day of my life had the game ended right there. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood to take any more pictures after this.

I haven't really watched any of the game since - I looked at the Tyree catch on Youtube (it was at the other end of the field so we couldn't see it well, even on the replay) as well as the Samuel missed INT (tougher play than it appeared in person), but I am a little embarassed to admit that I am still bothered by it a little bit. Being a fan of the Cal Bears and the Red Sox, I had gotten used to disappointment (regardless of the last few years - I don't like the Sox too much now that they are basically the Yankees), but I was invested emotionally, and I wasn't ready for this loss. Being a small town kid, I guess I never thought I'd go to a Super Bowl, and it was a bigger deal to me than I thought it would be.

What's In a Name?

2008-02-26T21:36:00.000-08:00

Claire Standish: It's a family name.

John Bender: No... it's a fat girl's name.

-- The Breakfast Club, 1985

It seems like you can make assumptions about people based on their names. A guy named Poindexter is probably a dork. A guy named Blaine is probably rich, and an a-hole. A boy named Sue had a father who was a big Johnny Cash fan. A guy named Biff is probably a big dude. A guy named Samantha probably had a sex change operation. A girl named Sierra is probably a hippie, or a stripper. A girl named Dakota is definitely a stripper, and she lives about 8 blocks from my office. A girl named Jen, well, she could be anything. If you don't know a girl's name, you can't go wrong with Jen, and you'll be right about 25% of the time.

But, Mr. Bender up there has a point. Claire does sound like a fat girl's name. And if you were set up on a date with a girl named Ruth, you'd be less fired up than if you were set up on a date with a girl named Caitlin. Unless you are married, in which case I assume you would be fired up to be set up with anyone who is not your wife. Not that I have anything against the name Ruth, but that name sounds like you were set up with a 60-year old woman. In fact, a friend of mine (let's call him the Narcoleptic Jew) is married to a girl named Ruth. Perfectly lovely young woman, but you wouldn't guess that based on her name. Or maybe I just don't know what the f*ck I am talking about. Which means we are at Defcon 5 over here at TAP. Situation Normal.

Where is this leading? Where it always leads, it seems. I am going to post a list of the hottest chicks I can find who have names that don't sound hot.

The Hottest Elaine is... Elaine Daly!

Figure we'd lead off with a woman who shares the same name as my departed grandmother (or "Nana" as we called her). I am not saying my Nana was not a hot woman, but she really didn't hold much of a candle to the lovely Miss Daly. Elaine represented Malaysia in the 2004 Miss Universe pageant. Suprisingly, Elaine is 5'8". Surprising to me, anyway, since I figured the Malaysians were not a tall people. Then again, I only go to Malaysia for the 10-year old boys so what the hell do I know. You can catch Elaine on stage starring in Frogway the Musical. That is, if you can locate Frogway the Musical. Maybe try a dinner theater in Omaha. Note that the runner up here was Elaine Benes, who is (a) fictional and (b) not that hot. So there really is a dearth of hot Elaines out there. If you have a daughter and she is going to be hot, name her Elaine and there's a pretty good shot she'll be blogged about right here.

The Hottest Regina is... Regina Halmich!

Wow, this is tougher than I thought! There really aren't any hot Reginas out there, at least none that are reasonably well-known. There is a German Playmate named Regina Deutinger, but I can't find any pictures of her with clothes on and, as you know, this is a family blog with a focus on children (and especially 10-year old Malaysian boys). So I've chosen Regina Halmich, who is a former female boxer (she's a former boxer, not a former female) turned German TV personality. Regina went 54-1-1 as a boxer; however, she's 5'2" and 110lbs so I'm pretty sure she can't kick my ass. The runner up is marginally attractive American actress Regina Hall - she lost because I couldn't easily find pictures of her in her underwear.

The Hottest Claire is... Claire Forlani!

Finally, an attractive woman who you may actually have heard of makes the list! Claire hasn't been working all that much as of late, but she was in well-known films such as "Meet Joe Black" and "Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow." Currently she's in that stink bomb otherwise known as "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale." Not much to look at in the chestal region, though - here she's giving Keira "Dead Man's Chest" Knightley a run for her flat-chested money. Hell, she's got the chest of a 10-year old (Malaysian) boy. So come to think of it... hubba hubba!

The hottest Martha is... Martha MacIsaac!

Wait! She may look young, and play a high schooler in Superbad, but I assure you this girl is of legal ogling age. So put down the phone, no need to call the cops (not that you could count to 9-1-1 anyway). Besides, the FBI has been parked in a van across the street ever since the Miley Cyrus post (either that, or Cox cable's installation service has gotten even slower and more incompetent than when my cable was installed). So, no need to worry, law enforcement has the situation well in hand.

Now, I haven't seen Superbad so I don't know if this chick is actually hot. She looks kind of cute in the picture we have of her, but she is really nothing to write home or blog about. However, she does narrowly beat out Martha Julia. Martha Julia is known for playing a villainess on the Mexican soap opera Destillando Amor. Well, she would be known for that if she were actually "known." Though we all know we've been flipping through the channels, and had to go back to one we changed quickly because we saw a hot chick on that channel. And even before you get back to the channel with the hot chick, it registers with you that the channel was Telemundo or Univision. Anyway, click here to see what you're missing, and what Spanish Maxim is not missing. Mmmm, Spanish Maxim... Sexo! Soccer! Tiburones! Golpizas! Moda!

The hottest Ruth is... Ruth Martin!

My aunt is named Ruth Martin, but I am pleased not to be related to this woman right here. With apologies to my aunt and to Mrs. Narcoleptic Jew, Ruth Wilson appears to be the hottest Ruth on the 'net. She is a British chick, and she generally appears in British-type TV shows where the women carry umbrellas and wear corsets and drink tea and eat crumpets and otherwise do British crap. Ruth is also a "voice talent," meaning she and her handlers realize she probably isn't hot enough to get by on looks alone. According to her website, Ruth is a female actress in her 20s who is "Fresh, smiley and engaging." Her style is "Recognisable, cool, credible, natural, girl next door, warm, sexy, husky (light)." Now, I am no Thesaurus but it seems to me that a lot of those words have conflicting meanings. I mean, isn't husky the exact opposite of light? I know a few girls who are husky and who think they are light. You know what you call a girl who is husky and who thinks she is light? That's right, husky.

So, the moral of the story is that none of these chicks really knock my socks off. This lends credence to my theory that girls whose names don't sound "hot" are generally not hot. Most likely, hot chicks who would be famous enough to make it to the internet changed their names long ago to sound hotter and be noticed.

Hannah and Her Sisters

2008-01-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

OK, I can't sit on the sidelines any longer. I was born to write. So I'm crossing the picket line, and going back to work before the Writer's Guild of America calls off the strike. That joke also demonstrates that my Plagiarist's Guild of America membership is still active - thanks for the material Wood Dog. Of course, my breaking ranks with the WGA is kind of like the time I swore I wouldn't date Ashley Judd. What I say may be true, but that doesn't mean the other side of the equation knows or cares.

Actually, I've filled December 2007 and the first part of 2008 with two primary activities: attempting to pile chicks (and sometimes succeeding, the over/under line has been set for 2008 at "7". Bet the over. Trust me on this one) and playing this video game. Come to think of it, anyone who plays that video game ain't getting laid anytime soon. What the captain meant to say was "bet the under."

After the Jenna 6 post, I was somewhat terrified to learn that the Jenna that had claimed the top spot in my poll now looks like this. You mean acting in porn movies can prematurely age a girl? Really? Who knew? I mean, besides anyone who's ever watched porn? When it comes to rating the hotness of chicks named Jenna, this was a miscalculation on the scale of the Bay of Pigs invasion. I fear I may have lost some credibility. Which puts me squarely in the negative on the credibility scale. A Credibility Gap, if you will.

How to redeem myself? Well, this post was inspired by the Jenna 6 post (getting inspiration from my own original material? I think that is a circular equation that would probably make my head explode if I thought about it for too long). This isn't really about "Hannah and Her Sisters," which was a Woody Allen film that I never saw. And it is not about someone named Hannah and her sisters, be they of the biological, religious, or Canadian variety. Rather, this is another ranking of the attractiveness of chicks, the common thread being that these are all named Hannah. See, in the Jenna 6 post, the chicks were all named Jenna, and in this one... well, you'll catch on soon enough. Like 15 seconds ago.

Oddly, it was more difficult to find reasonably well-known chicks named Hannah than it was to find Jennas. However, I persevered, as I one day aspire to be published in Maxim Online, or linked to by Hot Clicks. Who are we kidding? All I really want is for my site's weekly "hit" report to come back with a number other than zero. Anyhoo, here's the Hannahs:

7. Hannah Storm

I am vaguely familiar with Hannah Storm from her days with ESPN. I think she maybe works for NBC now, possibly as a sideline announcer for Sunday NBA games or something like that. I really don't know. What I do know is that, for a 45-year old chick, Hannah Storm is kind of hot. Not unbelievably hot, and probably not even "I hope my wife is that hot when she is 45" hot, but definitely hot for a cougar, if you were trolling for a cougar, say, in Del Mar last Saturday night at the bar at Il Fornaio at 1 a.m. But we wouldn't know anything about that around here.

6. Hanna Barbera (accepting the award on behalf of Hanna Barbera is Judy Jetson)

Did you know there is an entire website dedicated to Jetsons hentai? Hentai, for those of you who pretend not to know, is erotic cartoons, generally of the Japanese variety, often featuring bondage and oversized genitalia. So, hentai pretty much describes my sex life, except for the oversized genitalia, the Japanese, bondage, or actually having sex. And for the record, it does not take from November 27 to January 15 to build a Jetsons hentai site. I was finished days ago.

5. Hannah Montana

Hannah Montana, aka Miley Cyrus, is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, and proof that the no-talent gene is hereditary. Here are some interesting facts: Hannah was born November 23, 1992. "Achy Breaky Heart" hit the top of the country charts on May 30, 1992. So, it seems pretty clear that as ABH was picking up steam, Billy Ray boned some groupie of his, and now we've got Hannah to show for it. Hannah is now 15 years old, and like the rest of you I often dream about the day she turns 15 1/2 and gets her learner's permit, and she drives me over to Dave & Busters for some Skee Ball and inappropriate touching... wait a minute, she's only 15 you sick f*cks! I can't believe you dream about stuff like that! What's next for you, Jetsons hentai porn? I leave you now with some of my musical stylings:

(To the tune of "Achy Breaky Heart")

Please don't tell the cops
'bout this blog entry
I just don't think they'd understand.
'Cause if you tell the cops
'bout this blog entry
they might come and arrest this man.

4. Daryl Hannah

OK, this chick was smoking hot in the '80s and early '90s (e.g. "Splash," "Wall Street," "Memoirs of an Invisible Man") but the pinnacle of her career was probably her supporting role in the vastly underrated 1999 film "Speedway Junky." You see, SJ was produced by Miracle Entertainment, a company dedicated to producing quality motion pictures for worldwide distribution, and a company in which myself and several friends invested during something that was called the "Dot Com" era. Just have a look at the charts for this baby! And they said I was a fool for going long on this stock. Do me a favor and rent the movie, will you? And let me know when you're about to do it - when the stock moves $0.0001, I need to be ready to sell. This blog ain't paying for itself, you know.

3. Hannah Rory

Hannah is a 20-year old part time Playboy model (think Book of Lingerie and other Newsstand Specials, not an actual playmate). Why does she make the list? Well, for starters she is pretty cute. But there is more to like about Hannah on her Myspace page. For instance, she is single, she smokes and drinks, her occupation is "being fabulous," and if she laughs so hard she pees her pants it was a gooooood movie! She's got some hot Myspace friends, and she's also got some "casual" pics on her Myspace page, but you need to be a Myspace member to access those. And I know none of my readers have Myspace pages, because I have none readers. Not that I can blame them; hell, even I quit reading my page after my most recent hiatus. Why is this Hannah famous? Well, I think she's about to surpass the Myspace record for most times rejecting a Myspace friend request from someone named "Johnnie Cleveland" who is using my picture on his Myspace profile. I actually have some genius Myspace standup comedy that I'm honing for this year's Van Looney comedy showdown, but that is a story for another time. Like maybe my next post, which should go up sometime in January 2009.

2. Hannah Tan

Hannah Tan placed 3rd in the Miss Global Petite World Finals, but I have a feeling she places a little higher than that in the hearts of two people I know - let's combine their names and refer to them as "Slim Shay-D." Hannah T also does some singing and songwriting so she might actually be talented (but so does Paris Hilton, so Hannah T also might not). Besiders her boobies, I can't really think of anything else that is interesting about Hannah T, so unless you are infected with the flavivirus, it's time to move on.

1. Hannah Harper

Hannah is single-handedly proving that there are hot British chicks in this world. Not sure if you can tell from the photo, but Hannah is an adult film actress (also known in the vernacular as a "porn star") so if you want to see more of Hannah it is not difficult to do. Hannah is probably my favourite adult film actress, and I have seen more of Hannah in person. Turns out we were at this bachelor party in Los Angeles, and after a long day of typical bachelor party activities (eating chili peppers, drinking beer, racing around cones while dribbling a soccer ball, blowing up balloons) and also playing poker, we decided to head to an adult establishment downtown where the bachelor in question had won a 42" plasma TV the night before. He did so by getting a lapdance - everyone who got one that night was given a raffle ticket. Anyway, signs around this establishment indicated that Hannah was set to perform there later that night, and I got excited about this... here was my chance to see the flesh of one my idols in the flesh! As I was waiting, I noticed one of the dancers at this establishment walking around in a leather nurse's outfit, and thought she was pretty cute. Turns out that was my girl Hannah! Anyhow, you haven't lived until you've met a person you've only known from the movies, and given that person a $1 bill.

New Year's Resolution

2008-01-07T23:35:00.001-08:00

I hereby resolve not to post to this blog in 2008. Or in December 2007, because I like to get off to an early start on things.

Strip Mining

2007-11-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

One of the chicks I was dating (the chick in question being "Myspace Girl") broke up with me via e-mail. Regardless of the validity of her reasons (apparently not everyone likes The Shocker), when did it become ok to do that via e-mail? I remember one of those "funny" e-mails that was going around some time ago, a form break-up e-mail with a bunch of check boxes, but that was always a joke. Henceforth, she shall be known as "E-mail Dumper"...

Not that my patented break up methods are much better - I call them "Be An A-Hole Until They Break Up With You" and "Just Don't Call Them Anymore"...

One of life's simple pleasures is a weekend plane trip that straddles the beginning of a new month, because you get different in-flight magazines, and therefore different crossword puzzles, for the flight there and the flight home...

Sean Marks has been in the NBA for seven of the past nine years despite a lack of any discernable basketball skill. Including this year his career earnings will be about $5 million. I guess when you're talking about the end of an NBA bench, you're looking for someone who will practice hard and who people like. I remember Marks as being a pretty affable guy at Cal, and he somehow had the ability to play in a basketball game at Harmon, and then to get to Henry's before you did, even if you walked directly there from the arena...

Other Cal players of little note, and their career NBA earnings: Geno Carlisle ($66K), Sean Lampley ($1 million), Ed Gray ($2.5 million), Jamal Sampson ($3.1 million), Francisco Elson ($4.7 million), Michael "Yogi" Stewart ($25.2(!) million)...

An NBA "All-White" team would probably look something like this:

PG Steve Nash
SG Manu Ginoboli
SF Mike Miller
PF Dirk Nowitski
C Pau Gasol

There is only one American-born player on that list. I used to have an "All-Ugly" team in mind, but I haven't been following the Association for the past 10 years or so, so I don't really know who plays anymore. Dirk might still make that list though...

Among the many things in this world that piss me off, the "band pretending to be done with their show when they are obviously going to come back out and play the two hit songs they didn't play during the show, but they want to go backstage and listen to the crowd cheer for awhile and feed their egos" is moving toward the top of the list. I know you're going to play Sweet Caroline, and you know you're going to play Sweet Caroline, so just play it jackasses. On a related note, Def Leppard used to give their one-armed drummer incredibly long drum solos in the middle of the show. I thought it was just to be cool and showcase the drummer's talent, but later learned that the other band members would go backstage during these solos for coke and BJs...

One of the few disadvantages of living in SD is the fact that you are constantly carpet-bombed by advertisements for mortgage companies and refinancing. So, if rates were at historical lows two years ago, tell me again why it makes sense for me to refinance now? Apparently the secret is "lying." This was kind of explored in the book Freakonomics, where a seller's real estate agent was telling the buyer what a great deal he was getting because the market was about to take off. The agent then asked the buyer if he needed an agent to sell his current home. The buyer told the agent that he intended to sell that home by himself, and the agent told him he really needed the assistance of a broker because the market is in the tank...

So, with the E-mail Dumper over with, and with Two on the express train to Friendsville, it looks like I will be starting over. Where is there to turn? Go back online? Mixed feelings about that one. A friend of mine is currently banging a stripper, and she apparently has a stripper friend that my friend wants me to, well, bang. I've never banged a stripper, but it doesn't seem to be all that uncommon in SD. I mean, its not like you're dating them, is it? I'm told she isn't terribly bright, this potential bangee, so I don't imagine I'll end up going through with it. If I don't enjoy talking to them, I don't usually put any effort into banging them. Which is why SD is the wrong town for me, long-term...

Happy Halloween

2007-11-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween, you jackals. Here's me in my costume. I'll give you three guesses as to who or what I'm supposed to be:

a) a homeless guy
b) a metrosexual homeless guy
c) an Australian tourist
d) coach Bill Belichick of the NFL's New England Patriots

(Bonus points if you understand the convoluted reference in choice "c")

The answer, of course, is "d" but it would be understandable if you guessed "b" (most SD girls did). The sweatshirt isn't the exact one Belichick wears, and he sometimes wears khakis instead of track pants, but I think you get the point. I tried to do the Belichick hair part but after a full day of fauxhawing my loaf was pretty uncooperative. Belichick never wears sunglasses, but these have a working digital "spy camera" attached to the side, so I thought it appropriate. Plus I had the added bonus of being able to wear sunglasses at night and indoors, and who doesn't love that? Overall, the costume was fun to have on, but violated the First Rule of Halloween Costumes: give chicks a reason to talk to you (or alternatively, wear something with some sex appeal).

I'm holding a toy camcorder in the photo that is actually a Transformers toy. The camera "transforms" into a handgun of some sort. The gun actually looks more like a camera than the camera does. But WTF is up with Transformers that don't turn into a robot at some point? Wasn't that the whole point of the Transformers? These are robots from outer space that take on the shapes of earth objects to disguise themselves. But aren't they all robots, and not just objects that change into other objects? So I feel kind of like an A-hole for contributing real American dollars to this cheapening of the Transformer brand.

All in all, this getup is quite comfortable, and I've taken to wearing it around the house like pajamas. Maybe that's why Bill wears it in the first place.

Old Man and Me

2007-10-28T00:39:00.000-07:00

On my way to work Friday morning, I had stopped at a stop sign near my house and started into the intersection when I nearly got into an accident with a car traveling from my right to my left. That intersection is a 4 way stop, and the car in question blew right through his stop sign. Driver of the offending car was a dude, fairly old. Dude stops in the middle of the intersection, as do I, and I lean on my horn a bit. I point two of my fingers at my eyes, then point to the stop sign he ignored. Or maybe he thought STOP means Spin Tires On Pavement. Whatever the reason, I was trying to communicate that he should have used his eyes and looked at the stop sign. I think I was doing this in proper Scuba sign language, but who knows, maybe I was telling him to f*ck off. In any event, dude just flips me off, and continues to drive. So I follow him for a bit, then I have a couple of thoughts. First, I probably should be getting to work, so I don't know if I have time for a low-speed chase through the streets of La Jolla. Second, did I want to fight the guy when he finally stopped and got out of the car? I did, but I see now that this was a lose-lose proposition: either I could be the guy who beat up a 60-year old man, or I could be the guy who was beat up by a 60-year old man. So I let my quarry escape, and drove on to work. If I'd had a rock or other throwable object, I would have thrown it at his car though. I don't really get the "I'm completely in the wrong here but f*ck you anyway" response from dude. But maybe I should admire that?

And now, for some more of the deep thoughts that you all find so boring AND tedious at the same time...

It would not bother me at all if the show "Pardon the Interruption" (ESPN, afternoons) got rid of Tony Kornheiser completely. Tony doesn't make the "he's on my fantasy team" joke as often as he used to, but he is still pretty much a complete tool. I think he's even copying Madden with a "taking a bus to Monday Night Football" thing. Take a hint from the TV show that was based on his life and immediately cancelled, and dump the guy. They can't replace him with occasional guest Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe, however, because Bob is not capable of uttering a coherent sentence (though I do not know if the "words" come out the same way he sees them in his head). Dan LeBatard of the Miami Herald would be a fine choice to pair with Wilbon, however...

Speaking of PTI, there is a terrible show on before it called "Around the Horn" that consists of 4 talking heads yelling about the sports events of the day and taking ridiculous stands to be "controversial" and "interesting." That show is hosted by Anthony Reale (I know this because my Tivo of PTI picks up the last 30 seconds or so of this other piece of crap). Anthony Reale is also "Stat Boy" on PTI, which is a much lesser position. You'd think that after Reale became the host of the other show he'd quit his post as Stat Boy, yet he presses onward...

An immutable law of adult films and magazines: solo chicks are hotter than lesbian chicks are hotter than hetero chicks...

I have been drinking a lot of "protein drinks," and I don't mean the Castro or Hillcrest kinds. Rather, you dump a bunch of flavored protein powder into a glass of water and mix it up, the point being the have a lo-carb, high-protein diet. I wonder how it would turn out if you mix vodka, the low-carb alochol of choice, with the protein drink. One of the protein flavors is chocolate. A chocolate martini tastes good, but what about a chocolate "proteini"?

Danny Glover is a well-respected actor for no apparent reason. He is TERRIBLE in EVERYTHING. Grand Canyon, Predator 2, the Lethal Weapon series, Saw, and the 3,000 other movies he's been in. Yet he continues to find work, and he's won a bunch of acting awards, such as a Cable ACE award, Image award, MTV Movie Award, and an I Can't Believe It's Not An Oscar!! How has no one else (like casting agents, for instance) noticed his utter lack of talent?

Caught the first part of Talladega Nights the other night. Leslie Bibb, who plays Will Ferrell's wife, is one balls hot chick. Apparently she's done a fair amount of TV work but is just getting into movies. I imagine we'll be (the public, and sadly not the Royal We) hearing a bit more from Ms. Bibb...

If I were forced at gunpoint to make a list of four comedians that are like fingernails on the chalkboard of my soul, the list would look a lot like this: Chris Tucker, Jim Breuer, Ben Stiller, Martin Lawrence.

The Governator is on Fire

2007-10-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

Now for a moment of levity amidst disaster, Arnold has been all over the TV regarding the California wildfires, and quite frankly he's crushing it. Here are some selected quotes from our Governor. They are much funnier if you read them in your best Schwarzenegger voice:

We had a unfortuante situation where we had three things come together: very dry areas, very hot weather, and a lot of wind. So this makes the perfect storm for fire.

We are getting continual updates and doing all we can to protect the lives and also the property.

Anyone that is complaining about the planes just wants to complain because this is a bunch of nonsense. The fact is that we have all the planes in the world here, we have 90 aircraft here and they cannot fly because of the wind situation.

Eighteen firefighters have been injured, four of them I visited yesterday the hospital in San Diego, they have severe burn wounds and so on.

Hundreds of people have been evacuated under monetary, mandatory, precautionary and voluntary evacuations.

At Del Mar, where we had 1800 vulnerable citizens there from nursery homes, so they had to be evacuated and they needed medical attention so we had to get doctors there, nurses, we had to get ambulances there, we had to get medical facilities where they can be transported, some of them needed dialysis, some of them had heart problems and diabetes and so on.

We were concerned, do we have enough cots down here, do we have enough blankets, do we have enough food, do we have water, do we have the baby formulas, do we have the diapers, do we have enough toilet paper, do we have enough toilets?

San Difuego

2007-10-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

Stuff is on fire around here. My home and office are not immediately in danger, and in fact are not on any mandatory or voluntary evacuation lists, but the general fire situation is said to be worse than in 2003. I wasn't here then but I understand it was pretty bad. I know some people that have lost everything, and some that have been evacuated. I live (rent) in a wealthy area near the coast, which I would suppose is pretty much the last place the firefighters would allow to burn. Theoretically I could end up trapped between the fire to the north and the other one by the US/Mexico border, but the fire would have to burn through pretty much the whole city to get here. The office has been closed the last two days, and will be again tomorrow. So far, smoke and ash all over everything have been the biggest issues - the air is considered unhealthy to breathe. The store by my house is pretty much sold out of milk, water and other short-term survival items. Probably people remembering the last time there were bad fires.

There are two main fires - these are the Witch fire to the northeast and the Harris fire to the southeast. As you can see from the photo, the smoke is blowing out to sea quite a ways. I have a friend here who is a firefighter and, assuming he makes it through this ok, I am sure he will use that to get into the pants of some unsuspecting girls. As if he doesn't do that enough already.

The issue is the Santa Ana winds, which have been uncharacteristically strong and blowing from east to west. Wednesday night and Thursday morning, they are supposed to subside a bit and change direction, so the fires should stop moving toward the coast. Del Mar was briefly evacuated and it is another wealthy area on the coast, about 10-15 miles north. It was a little odd that the authorities were sending evacuaees and pets, horses, etc. to the Del Mar fairgrounds even while Del Mar was being evacuated. Same deal with high schools in Carlsbad. A lot of people are being allowed back into their homes now.

Qualcomm stadium is a big evacuation point. Governor Schwarzenegger has been walking around there, meeting with victims. The President is supposed to be coming out here on Thursday. It may be interesting to compare FEMA's response here with the response in New Orleans, seeing as how San Diego is pretty white.

I did volunteer my spare room for evacuees, but so far the space hasn't been filled with any single, hot blondes. That makes sense, as the evacuating areas are generally single family neighborhoods. Not too many families want to squeeze into one room and share a bathroom in a place that doesn't allow pets. I've also volunteered to move out entirely, staying with a friend, but no one has taken me up on that.

Sentimentality is not my strong suit, but thoughts (and prayers for those who believe in that sort of thing) are with the victims. The following sources seem to have current information, though they are occasionally down - probably due to overcrowding the servers.

General news (San Diego Union Tribune)

Map of fire and evacuated areas (UT)

UT's Fire Blog

San Diego State has some great fire coverage and information

Jenna 6

2007-10-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am vaguely aware of the "Jena 6," which I believe is the media's name for a group of black students charged with beating a white student at a southern high school following the hanging of a noose or two from a tree on the school's campus. And that is the extent to which I will write about the Jena 6. Social commentary and intelligent, relevant thought are for suckers.

The Jenna 6 is a collection of celebrity and semi-celebrity chicks named Jenna, ranked in order of attractiveness for your viewing pleasure.

6. Jenna Bush

The daughter of President / Monkey George W. Bush, Jenna Bush is apparently 26 years old or so. I thought she had done some modeling, but based on an internet search (and even more based on looking at her picture) that apparently is not true. Some chick named Lauren Bush seems to be a fashion model and is related to our Presimonkey somehow, and she is a bit hotter than Jenna. I guess Jenna is pretty cute in a "Wouldn't it be cool to bone the President's daughter" sort of way, but that's about all she does for me. Her fraternal twin Barbara, also seen in the photo, looks like she might be a little nugget, even though Barbara is an old woman's name (as is Ruth).

5. Jenna Fischer

Here's Jenna Fischer from "The Office." She has something of a dark side on that show, and apparently shows it off a bit in this Blades of Glory film. However, I am a little behind on my Will Ferrell movie viewing, considering I haven't seen Elf yet, so I haven't seen BOG either. Jenna is pretty plain Jane looking, but it is unclear how much of that is her TV character. I am guessing that if you lived in a small town, you'd think Jenna is really hot, so that is good casting. But I doubt you'd notice her if you were walking in LA on Sunset Boulevard on a Sunday afternoon. Which you wouldn't be doing in the first place since (according to Missing Persons) Nobody Walks in LA. As for this Jenna, I could take it or leave it, and right now I'm leaning toward "leave it." Now if I could just get her to quit calling me.

4. Jenna Presley

Jenna Presley is an, um, "adult" film star. By that I do not mean that she is an adult who stars in films. She doesn't make this list because she is particularly attractive, and in fact I am no big fan of her work. I certainly don't like girls with tattoos, which sort of limits my choices when it comes to adult film viewing. I also don't like any sort of interracial adult films, and I am not a huge fan of lesbianism either, which leaves me with like 3 adult movies I can watch. But the thing about Jenna is that she is from San Diego, and you need to pimp the locals. More importantly, she has posted some comedy gold on what is apparently her official website. (Link is probably ok for work viewing, but still not a good idea. Besides, all the good stuff is reproduced below.)

"I was born and raised in San Diego, California on April 1, 1987."

Now, I know the life of a porn star can prematurely age you, but she was born AND raised in one day?

"I was a strait A student in high school"

Oh dear. No Child Left Behind, please meet your party at the curb.

3. Jenna Elfman

It's Dharma from Dharma and Greg! I think the TV People have tried to keep this Jenna in the spotlight a bit, as I can sort of recall some failed shows starring this chick after D&G was mercifully cancelled. This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I remember seeing a TV ad for a celebrity golf tournament, and the announcer was pimping the celebs that would be playing. So, they would show Robert Wagner, and say "Robert Wagner!" and show Corbin Bernsen and say "Corbin Bersen!" etc. Anyway, they end up showing this tool and the TV voice announces him as "Greg from Dharma and Greg!" So this poor bastard was technically a celebrity, but not well known enough that they'd actually use his name in promotionals. Not that I feel too badly for him, since he's probably piled more chicks on this Jenna list than I have. But lets get back to Jenna Elfman. She's actually a little hotter in that picture than I remember her. Certainly she's distinctive looking and can look a little scary from time to time, but let's give her a thumbs up for now.

2. Jenna Dewan

Jenna Dewan is your typical pretty darned attractive, up and coming actress who will probably get lost in the shuffle and end up doing voice work for video games. She is not the hottest thing on the planet by any means, but on this list of Jennas she certainly deserves this spot and maybe even the top ranking, since the Jenna in the top spot is a little too obvious. If the internet is to be believed, Jenna dated Justin Timberlake for some period of time. My Mom has actually partied with JT - it is kind of a long story but the gist of it is that she was in Orlando at a convention and there was a buzz in the restaurant that N'Sync was there. My Mom's boyfriend, not being the shy type, apparently yells out "Hey N'Sync! Come over here and let me buy you some shots!" I guess JT was impressed by this, and the band members that were over 21 went and had some Patron shots with the boyfriend. JT said that people usually don't buy them drinks, but that it is the other way around, and invited them to a party later that night. Apparently my Mom and her boyfriend went, and got into the club but were denied access to the VIP area where JT and the rest of the band were. However, JT saw them getting hassled, and went over and told the security people to let them in. According to eyewitnesses, this VIP room was about 80% female, and about 79.5% balls hot female. I will never forgive my Mom for not calling me - I could have been on a plane and met them in like 6 hours. But where were we? Oh yeah, Jenna Dewan is hot.

1. Jenna Jameson

I actually don't like porn stars all that much. I think it would be a turnoff to meet one in person, and regardless of how they look physically I think they lose about 2 points on the 10 scale due to their profession. Maybe I would just be overpowered by a porn star's sexuality and be into it, but I think I wouldn't want anything to do with one, issues with disappointing them aside - it just kind of creeps me out. After seeing the Pam Anderson / Tommy Lee video, I never really found Pam attractive after that, even though she is often cited as some female ideal as far as beauty. I think Hannah Harper (again, maybe acceptable for the office but probably not) is about the hottest porn star out there, but since this post isn't about the Hannah 6, we are stuck with Jenna. There is a pretty interesting Biography on Jenna on A&E, and I think she's been on some shows like Bill O'Reilly to defend the porn industry. She is supposedly really smart and has built quite a little porn empire, and I know she also appears on Howard Stern's show with some regularity. I didn't want to give her the top spot, but I think she deserves it if we are basing the order solely on the photos I've included. So, here she is. If you don't think she should be here, drop me a line and I'll refund your money.

Porno Corner

2007-10-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

I used to have a talent for parodying actual movie names into fake porn movie names. A friend who started his own beer company claimed to have a talent for this as well, but his solution was to add "anal" to the title of every movie. So, for instance, "Rush Hour 3" would be "Anal Rush Hour 3." The only time he ever strayed from this formula was for "Planet of the Gapes" which I am not sure is even funny, but he found it hilarious.

Some of the classics include:

There's Something Inside Mary
How Stella Got Her Groove Packed
Wet Dreams May Come
Rugburns in Paris
Bi-Curious George
Star Trek: Insert Erection
Gladheateher
Pokeahotass
The Sopornos
Sperminator 2: Judgment Spray
The Da Vinci Load
Shaving Ryan's Privates

There's a million of 'em, but it is getting late and I have to go to the gym. So, I think the way to do this is to keep a list to the right of the latest and greatest parody porno names. I think I can delete my Hot or Not score - I think everyone (operative word being "one") that reads this page knows JW got a 4.7. Not my finest hour.

Unrelated to porn but related to sex (I can imagine the kinds of people that will find this page once Google parses out this post, though), I was out on a date with this chick and we were playing the "porn name" game, where your porn first name is the name of your first pet, and your porn last name is the name of the street you grew up on. So, we determined that my porn name is "Jessie West 14th Avenue." That doesn't make a lot of sense, so we needed to decide between the nearest cross street ("Jessie Defrain" - not bad) or to use a portion of the actual street name, making me "Jessie West" or "Jessie 14." Now, I think there already is someone named Jessie West - there must be since there is a Randy West and a Peter North. Sometimes having a talent for remembering things like guys' porn names is not a blessing and actually makes one appear pretty gay, like ironing, using a lot of hair product, or giving handjobs in the Circle K parking lot. And Jessie 14, well, that sort of implies something that I really am not going to be able to deliver on. Yes, I will admit that I do not have a 14 inch penis. I realize this seems impossible - after all, the results of an informal survey taken at the Horny Toad in Blythe indicate that the average penis size of a Blythe male is over 12 inches. However, you have to remember that I moved to Blythe when I was 6 years old, so I might have missed some of that growth spurt. Pun maybe intended, but I think I get a pass for that.

In any event, my date (this would be Myspace Girl for those of you that have been following my adventures) indicated that she really wouldn't want to date anyone who grew up anywhere north of about 6th or 7th street. Which is nice, because I'd only had to have walked about 3 or 4 blocks north to go visit her ideal boyfriend.

Unrelated item: Plaxico Burress, being interviewed on the radio after MNF, gave a quote that is destined for the Joe Theisman Master of the Obvious Hall of Fame: "If our offense can score about 30 points and the defense can hold them under 17 points, we're going to win a lot of those games."

The Dark Side

2007-10-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

"Screw California."-- Rogue Wave, California

Below I've pasted an e-mail I sent earlier this week in regards to Saturday's college football contest pitting Oregon State against #2 California, in Berkeley.

Date: Tue, 9 Oct 2007 14:15:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "JW"
Subject: numbers
To: "TWD," "TCALFB"

Just a few items that may be of interest to no one.

OSU average points for/against 27.5 / 25.2
CAL: 39.4 / 24.4

OSU average yards, offense pass/rush/total: 244.8 / 155.2 / 400
CAL: 227.4 / 201.4 / 428.8

OSU average yards, defense pass/rush/total: 246.7 / 43.5 / 290.2
CAL: 268 / 124 / 392

So... CAL opponents outgain OSU opponents by about 100 yards per game, yet OSU gives up 1 more point per game. Either CAL is blowing out opponents and they are getting cheap yards at the end, or CAL is getting turnonvers or otherwise "bending but not breaking." I'm interested to see if we can run on them since apparently no one can.

CAL outgains OSU by about 20 yards per game, but outscores OSU by 14 PPG. This probably reflects some combination of defensive opportunism (turnovers in opponent's territory, Pick 6) and DeSean Jackson running back kicks for scores.

OSU is a 14 point underdog. Seems like too many based on the foregoing. Besides DeSean and the return game, the teams look pretty evenly matched.
OSU's early-season schedule doesn't look that much worse than ours, so I don't think strength of opponent explains things. Someone please tell me what I am missing.

Note that I do not condone playing the dark side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Score of said college football contest: Oregon State 31, California 28.

I watched the game but have not read, watched or listened to any post-game analysis. Below are some of my thoughts, ramblings and pontifications about the game.

1. Cal pretty much had no business being in a position to tie the game. Some bad coverage and tackling by OSU in the fourth quarter. I'd questioned defenses that go into the "prevent" defense, since, as they say, all it does is prevent the team from winning. Now I see it firsthand - if the offense hits some big plays they are much bigger against the base defense, and an offense can come all the way back this way.

2. The officials blew it in failing to penalize OSU near the end of the first half. QB Canfield was about 3 yards beyond the line of scrimmage when he threw an incomplete pass and this was not noticed or was ignored by the zebras. Assuming no Butterfly Effect, the penalty would have added 5 yards to the FG attempt. The kicker for OSU has a big leg, having made a 58-yarder against Cal previously in his career. The 52-yarder was easily "good", but I think there is a big difference, physically and mentally, between a 57-yard attempt and a 52-yard attempt. Tack on an extra 5 yards and you've got a kicker with a different mindset, a kick that needs to be lower to travel the extra distance, and the (unlikely) possibility the coaches would deem that too far a kick to attempt.

3. Really would have been nice to score a TD instead of failing on 4 running plays at the goal line. I don't disagree with the concept or the play calling, but would think you've got to be able to impose your will and pick up those yards, even against OSU's run defense.

4. Would also have been nice to make the FG in the first half.

5. QB Kevin Riley (henceforth, "Mr. Retardo") made one of the most monumentally stupid plays I've ever seen in a college football game, in running up the middle with no (i) clear path to the goal line; (ii) time to do such a thing; (iii) intelligence; or (iv) timeouts left. I keep a list of people who are intelligent and aware of their surroundings, and Mr. Retardo has been banned from that list for life. You almost hate to kill the kid for making a mistake that an experienced player probably wouldn't have. But not even trying to get back to the line of scrimmage and spike the ball after being tackled, but instead running off the field with the ball and flipping it to the kicker? WTF was Mr. Retardo thinking?!??

6. Mr. Retardo played his prep football for the Beaverton High School Beavers... ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? How could we not see a choke against the OREGON STATE BEAVERS coming a mile away? What's next, Cal signs a kicker named Stanford Leland who goes 0 for 18 on the season?

7. I think Cal's kicker had a pretty good shot at making the 30-yard FG and sending the game to overtime. Maybe try for the win with Nate in there, but not Mr. Retardo. Although to be honest, I like that they went for one more play when they did. Live with the kid or die with the kid... I just can't believe Mr. Retardo tried to run it in.

8. I'm interested to see what the PTI guys have to say about this on Monday. I'll bet they both go easy on the kid for being inexperienced.

Where's Griswold?

2007-10-08T22:32:00.001-07:00

Dark Territory may be the most commented upon of my posts to date. By "most commented" I mean that one person made a single reference to the post while I was talking to them. But that comment was not lost on me, and in the content business we've got to give people what they want or they may just visit a different blog for their daily dose of blog inanity.

So, WTF is up with all the different Audrey Griswolds they tried to foist upon us in the Nation Lampoon's vacation movies? There are four movies that I can recall (Vacation, European Vacation, Christmas Vacation and Vegas Vacation), and at least four different actresses. Were the original actresses too busy? No longer age appropriate? Did they refuse to appear in the next film on the advice of their agents, because the scripts were bad? If so, hopefully these women fired their agents long ago since none of these actresses are household names, and some are so obscure that they might not even have households. But let's stop dancing around the issue, which is this: how "doable" are these chicks now? Following the prior format, we'll present a "then" and "now" picture for comparison purposes. Note that although a girl's "Doability rating" is measured on the 10 scale, it is not a measure of the girl's attractiveness. Think of it this way: in college you may have met a girl at a party that you thought was a 6, but there was a 100% chance you were going to try and take her back to your dorm room and have sex with her. In that case, she'd get a 10 on the "doability" scale. Now, on with the show:

Here's Audrey from "Vacation", also known as Dana Barron. Dana is currently 41 years old, but I have no idea when that picture was taken. You see, when people fall out of the public eye, apparently there are very few current pictures of them on the internet. Of course, if you were to compare the number of pictures of Dana Barron with the number of unique page views I get in a day, you'd end up with infinitely more Dana pictures. But I digress. Let's give her a Doability Rating of 5/10.

Here's Audrey from "European Vacation", also known as Dana Hill. Apparently they figured audiences would assume a marginally attractive brunette actress with the same first name is, in fact, the same actress from the original Vacation. I mean, maybe she just got married and changed her name. And I understand that lots of married people kind of let themselves go and get less attractive after they are married, so it would be understandable if she wasn't hot at all and looked nothing like herself. However, it turns out that this is not the same Dana. It also turns out that this Dana is dead. She died in 1996, at age 32. Poor bastard. She gets a Doability Rating of 0/10 (or 4/10 if you are into that sort of thing).

Audrey from "Christmas Vacation", also known as Juliette Lewis. Who knew? She looked like she was going to grow up to be hot in Cape Fear, and don't get me wrong, there are hot pictures of her out there. I've even included one above. However, I am pretty repulsed by her now. Juliette is currently 34 years old. Maybe it was her role in Natural Born Killers, or her performance in Old School, or her wrist tat, or the fact that she is age appropriate for me and I hate that, but this chick disturbs me. Ostensibly she has a lot of doability potential but I am just not seeing it. Your mileage may vary, but I'll give her a Doability Rating of 5/10.

Finally, its Audrey from "Vegas Vacation", also known as Marisol Nichols. (Sidenote: What the hell is Tiki Barber doing in that movie?) Marisol is currently 33 years old. Now, she's by no means the hottest thing on the planet, but in my mind she is far and away the hottest Audrey in the group. That's kind of like being the best player on the Kansas City Royals, or the king of the dipsh!ts, but it is better than nothing. I guess she's still working some, so she's got some incentive not to let herself go and hasn't. For my money, I'll give her a Doability Rating of 9/10.

The name Griswold sounded familiar to me, so I did some additional checking. Turns out Griswold is the name of a blacksmith/merchant in Diablo, which was a wildly popular computer game. Personally, I am not into anime and didn't sport any wood during the Final Fantasy movie, but I am including him here because a burly computer-generated dude with a Scottish accent (no, not Sean Connery) might be someone else's cup of tea. In Diablo 2, Griswold becomes some sort of undead creature you have to fight. In that case Dana #2 might give him a higher score, but for now he gets a Doability Rating of 0/10 (2/10 if he's selling any cool weapons).

There's one last Griswold I can think of off the top of my head: Dr. Molly Griswold, played by Rene Russo in Tin Cup. I think of her as a poor man's Michelle Pfeiffer, but only if the poor man in question is actually hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer. She's currently 53(!) years old, but I'd still say she's pretty doable. I think she nudes up in Thomas Crown Affair, but this is a family blog so I will leave you to your own Googling on that one (tip: make sure SafeSearch is off and search for Rene Russo, or just click here, and check out the first three hits. Incidentally, I've always thought of Julianne Moore as a poor man's Rene Russo, and Julianne nudes up in quite a few films, including The Big Lebowski. But let's give the good Dr. a Doability Rating of 7/10, shall we?

Pillow Bites II

2007-10-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

After a short refractory period, I've got a few things to add to the first installment of Pillow Bites (which of course, was the second installment of Pillow Talk, which in turn was the third installment of Hump Day Ramblings)...

FYI - the red puddle in the photo is a gag pillow. I may be something of a sick f*ck but I am not THAT much of a sick f*ck. Halloween is just around the corner, you dig?

I was discussing my "Cloak and Dater" idea of changing the female names in my phone to male names with a girl in PB last weekend, as a method of throwing girls I'm seeing off the trail if they ever sneak a look at my phone. This girl told me that chicks are wise to this (as I somewhat suspected), and get very suspicious if they go through a dude's phone and there aren't any chick names in there. When I mentioned the alternatives, the girl agreed that "Last name, first initial" is probably the best way to go, since it would be difficult to justify asking a lot of questions about contact info entered in this manner. It is a little bit of a problem for me and my "smart" phone since it wants to synch with my Outlook contacts, but I will improvise, adapt, overcome...

I understand that sneezing is biologically the closest a human gets to having an orgasm without actually having an orgasm. I will be in the corner with a pepper shaker if anyone needs me...

"Defenestrate" is a verb meaning "to throw out of a window." Probably the most famous example of defenestration occurs while Longshanks is asking Philip for advice on how to deal with William Wallace...

My Freecell winning percentage is up to 77%...

One of life's great pleasures is having your hair washed and cut...

A dude on the radio was reading off funny cat names the other day. I don't usually go for that sort of thing, but someone had named their cat "Junior SayMeow" which I thought was pretty clever...

The Bravo Channel named "The Princess Bride" as the 50th funniest movie of all time. I really enjoyed the movie when I saw it the first time. I remember thinking it was clever. But "funny"? Really?...

Pillow Bites

2007-10-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

The title is a cross between "Pillow Talk" and "Dog Bites," from the Wood Dog Blog. Someone tell Dr. Freud to hurry his ass up (pun intended?)...

Why is it that McCoy still gets angry when he says something heartfelt to Spock, and Spock replies with a logical answer that misses the point of the original sentiment? You'd think after all this time, McCoy would have figured it out. Spock may be half human, BUT HE IS ALSO HALF VULCAN. HE IS LOGICAL. It WOULD NOT, HAS NOT, AND WILL NOT occur to Spock to say something emotional or "mushy"...

"Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse is the best song of 2007 so far...

There are movies that, although I didn't like them in the theater, I always seem to flip to and watch for awhile if they are on cable. These movies include "Sideways," "Password: Swordfish," "Flight of the Intruder" and "The Last Castle"...

There is about 15 minutes of footage in Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace that stands up against anything in the Star Wars films. This 15 minutes includes most of the pod race, all of the Darth Maul fight scenes, and no Jar Jar...

Movie Trivia: What are the full character names of at least two of the three male leads in "Old School"? No Googling...

WTF does "soup to nuts" mean? I mean, I know what it means, but why does it mean that?...

For Halloween, I had planned on dressing as "Wedding Crashers" with a friend who looks a bit like Vince Vaughn. Following Owen Wilson's suicide attempt, I can't decide whether to scrap the idea, or just wear bandages around my wrists in addition to the tuxedo and blond wig...

I will play another game of sloshball (the softball kind, not the kickball kind) before I die...

I sometimes change the name of my fantasy team to mock that week's opponent. In the past I have called my team at various times "Hanford R2 Units", "Jell-O Fever", "Dude, Where's My Hot Tub?", "My Big Fat Homoerotic Greek Wedding", and "Sailor's Ball 1991"...

I was sixteen when I first kissed a girl. It was after prom. Her name was Emmie. It did not go well...

My brother and I were once out in Hollywood on a Saturday night, and he was wearing a Drew Bledsoe replica Patriots jersey. He somehow managed to convince people at the Cat & Fiddle that he actually was Drew Bledsoe. This despite the following: (i) Drew Bledsoe probably wouldn't wear a $40 replica of his own jersey to go out on a Saturday night, (ii) the Patriots were playing in Buffalo the following morning, and (iii) my brother looks nothing like Drew Bledsoe (I know this because one of my bosses has a picture in his office of himself with Drew Bledsoe, and I have also seen Drew Bledsoe on television). None of that stopped him from signing autographs that night as Drew Bledsoe...

Dear Obnoxio: a concession speech is made when the outcome of a contest is still technically but not realistically in doubt, as a courtesy to the winner and to show the good sportsmanship of the loser. The outcome of TATJ is not in doubt, I'll be damned if I'm going to show you any courtesy, and I'm not much of a sportsman...

I've added the Boston Sports Guy to the Ultimate Cup tracking to the right as something of a benchmark, and I've stopped counting ties as wins so the win percentages are no longer inflated. I may not have done this if I were not still above 50% when calculated this way. And, just as suspected, the Anti-JYW is a sure fire money maker...

I plan to put together a bunch of trivia questions to use on long trips as something of a Jeopardy! style game. Like the question above, a category might be "Old School" trivia, with questions of varying degrees of difficulty. However, this game would only be useful under specific conditions, like a long car trip with two or more other people, or a plane flight where I know the two people next to me. The chances of either happening since I moved out of SF are pretty slim...

Two possible responses to the golf question "What's your handicap?" are "Bad breath and a short peter" and "Short stick and lots of strokes." I just learned the second one on IM...

I have two friends that are both often told they look like Vince Vaughn. One of them apparently looks so much like Vince Vaughn that when he goes places restaurant managers thank him for stopping by, and trashy LA newspapers write that he was spotted at that restaurant the next day. I'd like to get these two guys in a room together for a Vince Vaughn-off...

I am pretty sure we once thought hair metal bands were really cool, both for their music and their appearance...

Cloak and Dater

2007-10-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with one of the chicks I work with today. She has been kind of a dating machine of late, if she is to be believed. (Note that this is not the 9/4 chick, who has since moved on to other pastures.) I think she's told me about 5 different dates with at least 3 different guys in the past week, including a one-night trip to Vegas to meet an ex-boyfriend who flew out from the east coast, and this was followed by a Sunday day date, where I think the guy even picked her up at the airport. Slut. But nothing "happened" in Vegas, according to this chick. Notwithstanding the fact that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I think she's really trying to sell it as nothing having happened. Because it happens so often that people who used to sleep together fly to from opposite coasts into an environment where drinking and risk-taking are commonplace and in fact the whole place is designed to encourage that behavior, and two exes just end up just hanging out as friends. I can't remember the exact quote, but there used to be a radio commercial for a TV show where a guy and a girl are having a conversation. They had slept together before, and I think were going on a trip together. The girl was saying that they weren't going to sleep together on the trip. The guy says something like "When two people who have had sex have the opportunity to have sex again, they're going to have sex, unless the sex sucked the first time. And sex with you didn't suck." Since I can't remember who said this quote, I may just refer to him from here on out as My Hero.

Anyhow, this chick let slip that, although she is dating a bunch of guys, when one of her dates leaves the room and his cell phone is laying on the table, she'll pick up the phone and look at the list of recently dialed numbers. If there are any girls on that list, she'll confront him with the information. Forget for a moment that this sort of behavior is completely BS, and is tantamount to a girl reading your email if you accidentally leave your account logged in, or opening your postal mail if you leave it out on the counter - checking the cell phone is apparently Standard Operating Procedure for chicks. I once had a roommate whose girlfriend accused him of cheating based on his cell phone call history. Turns out she was right to be suspicious, even though this roommate was able to explain the girl away as a college friend.

But the important question is, as always, how does this relate to my life? Well, I'll tell you. I have been dating two girls recently, and have something of a "friend with benefits" on the side. This is apparently the San Diego way of dating, though going from dating zero people, it has taken some getting used to. I don't tell lies, but I don't know which one I told which story to, so I am a little afraid of how often I might be repeating myself. Here's a quick snapshot of these chicks:

Exhibit A, nickname "Two." Age 27. Tall, athletic, pretty hot, funny, a lot of fun, and just got a dog. She is a bad e-mailer though, which is important to me. She is also a little passive and I often have to carry conversation, and we all know me carrying conversation is not a good idea. Fun girl, up for anything, but a little difficult to see anything developing long term. Mostly because she won't sleep with me.

Exhibit B, nickname "Myspace Girl." Age 33. Not quite as tall and athletic as Two, but still tall and athletic. Hotter than Two. Smart, and a good e-mailer, but a little boring, owns two cats, and shares a first name with one of the girls in my social group. Mitigating these issues, she is a big fan of the NFL, blackjack, and bar sports. She has great long-term potential, assuming I can get her to open up a bit.

Exhibit C, nickname "F*ck Buddy." Age 37. Shorter than the others. Very nice but could use a dose of self-confidence. Has a J-Lo type body that is built for naughtiness. Probably the best conversationalist of the three, and likes doing crossword puzzles. Got out of a long-term relationship recently and really wants to be in another one, which is a bit off-putting. Also, seems to like me, a strong indicator of mental instability.

The point of all this? That I have called or texted each of these chicks recently. And that when I go indoors, one of the first things I do is empty my pockets out onto the table. (I used to work with a guy who said one of their interviewees emptied his pockets onto the interviewer's table when the interview started. He was not hired, oddly enough.) And so it would be very easy for any one of these girls to pick up my cell phone and see the names of other girls. I don't have an exclusive arrangement with any of these girls and have never represented that I do, and thus far there has been no overlap as far as knowing any of them Biblically so I do not feel too bad about seeing all of them. However, I'd rather not answer any questions about who is A, or B, or C, if I don't have to.

The solution? For now, I've changed their names to a similar dude name. (Dr. Freud to Those Aren't Pillows Blog, Code Blue!) For example, "Martha" Stewart becomes "Mark" Stewart. However, I see flaws in this solution. First, one might wonder why "Mark" Stewart is sending me booty texts, and whether there really is a "Martha" at all. Secondly, if she snoops in my phone, "Martha" is going to wonder why her name has been entered as "Mark" and may well figure out that "Gene" and "Fred" are actually "Gina" and "Frieda." I guess the better solution would be to go to last names, but I have at least three sets of people in my phone that have the same last name so that won't really work. Plus, I didn't know the last name of Myspace Girl until earlier today. Assuming other women will eventually join the privileged few that are in my cell phone, I can't rely on the last name approach since this often isn't learned until later in the relationship, and I think entering someone as "UCSD Chick," "German Chick" or "Sidebar Chick" (all have been in my phone at one time or another) kind of defeats the purpose. For now, it will be "Mark," "Gene" and "Frieda," with the alternative being that I dial 10 different numbers right before I see any of these chicks. So if I call you around 8pm on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday, now you'll know why. Or maybe I can just erase my recently called list. I have a "smart" phone, and I'm sure they must have these sorts of features built in for the polyamorous among us. If not, this could be another million dollar idea in the making.

Wise Man Say, Part 2

2007-09-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Probably the most important words of wisdom:

"Never take sports betting advice from a sketchy blog." -- JW

Wise Man Say

2007-09-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

For those of you that aren't allergic to free money, bet the farm on Cincy and give the points this morning. If you don't have a farm, borrow some money, buy a farm, then bet that farm on the Bengals. This is foolproof, even more foolproof than the Anti-JYW. And ask your kids to remember me in their Harvard graduation speeches.

Below are some other words of wisdom. They are generally not original thoughts, but if I don't know the source I am not going to go to the effort of properly crediting and quoting each phrase. Because I don't feel like it.

"Never show surprise, never lose your cool." -- Bryan Brown as Douglas Coughlin

"Go ugly early; it's cheaper." -- Ed S.

"If you haven't gotten any by midnight, go home. Because you ain't gettin' any, and if you do you'll wish you hadn't" -- Babe Ruth

"I never turned anything down but an old black man, and I turned him face down." -- Ed S.

"I'm a dirty old man, and I'll be a dirty old man until I'm a dead old man." -- Ed S.

"There are three rules for getting older: #1 - Never trust a fart. #2 - Never pass a bathroom. #3 - Never waste a hard-on, even if you're alone." -- Ed S.

"There are four things man needs to survive: Food, shelter, p*ssy, and strange p*ssy." -- Anonymous

"My girlfriend lives close enough for me to see her when I want to, but far enough that I can buy porn." -- WIllie P.

Pillow Talk

2007-09-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

Trying out a new title for my intermittent ramblings. This title was suggested by my reader. It sounds a little gay, but so do half of my posts...

Speaking of gay, the latest post I've been working on is a reasonably in-depth analysis of homosexuality in rap music in the 1980's, using one particular song as an example. I can only foresee a few problems with this post. First, it could be interpreted as anti-gay (not to be confused with self-hating). I guess that could be advantageous from a readership building standpoint - some local media coverage may well double my page views. The bigger problem is that the post just isn't that funny, at least not yet. It is pretty funny (if offensive) in parts, but it is difficult to find something gay about every line of a rap song...

Other posts that are in rough draft form, and may or may not be finished (take "may not" and lay the points): the Madden Challenge (analysis of whether I could pick up more chicks than John Madden at a bar) and several Dating Field Reports...

I set up a meter for my blog, to see if anyone is actually visiting it. I've received two comments since then, but the site meter indicates that I've had zero visits. I think the meter might be broken...

I don't have a girlfriend, and I no longer know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that...

I have joined a football "picks league" and will be posting a weekly tally of the results for myself and a couple of schmoes that I know to the right. This picks league is not to be confused with the 7/8 Partnership, which only really got going last year after the general partners went their separate ways. I ended up 10-7 on the year, and I believe the other GP had a similar or possibly better record. I still believe I can consistently turn a profit betting on zero, one or two NFL games per week...

I had lunch with a 38-year old business colleague a few weeks ago. Besides talking about things like golf and work, we discussed MAME (emulates lots of classic arcade games, including Tournament Cyberball 2072 - should be downloadable here) and the Nintendo Wii. Although he's got two small children, I've been invited over to play Nintendo next wiikend...

Just went surfing for the first time. I am pretty banged up and sunburned right now (because real men don't wear sunscreen, though apparently a Real Man of Genius does), but it was a good time and I actually stood up a couple of times. I think I am going to get a longboard and wetsuit and try and get decent at this over the fall and winter...

I have been training for Fettkrieg 2 for approximately 3 weeks now, which is convenient since the competition has been over for approximately 3 weeks now. I have learned that my workout plan would have, er, worked out. By taking in a lot of protein and cutting back carbs, but not to the point of Atkins, I've lost about 1.5 inches from my waist (based on fit of pants) but have maintained my beginning weight...

Going to see Dave Matthews Band at the end of September. It will be my first DMB show...

Also training for a triathlon at the end of September. Well, actually it is like a triathlon but shorter - 500m swim, 15K bike, 5K run. I guess I'm not really training for it so much as I am just working out in general. I would think I could roll out of bed and do that "triathlon" without specifically training for it...

According to ESPN radio the other morning, the average size of an NFL QB is 6'2.5" and 218 lbs. Meaning I am pretty much exactly the average size of an NFL QB. If only I had exactly average the skill or salary of an NFL QB, I'd be onto something...

I bought two movies that I really wanted to see - "Borat" and "The Departed" - when they came out on DVD. They are both sitting in my TV stand wrapped in plastic. I guess I didn't want to see them as badly as I thought...

I haven't bowled a game in ages...

I played night golf (not glow-in-the-dark ball, but under the lights, like a baseball stadium) for the first time this summer. It was actually tougher than I thought it would be to see and find your ball under these conditions, but with an 8pm tee time you can still play a quick 9 holes after work...

I think if I had 27 at-bats against major league pitching (i.e. every hitter in the lineup for one team is me) I would probably go 0 for 27 with about 20 K's...

I have recently been told I look like I am anywhere from 27 to 30 years old. However, these comments came from (i) a 40-something year old woman at work that I think wants to do me, and (ii) a guy who works for tips. So I'm not reading too much into this...

I would really like to find a good, weekly bar trivia night in San Diego but I think that is more of an intellectual and bad weather San Francisco-type activity...

I can't decide if I am too old to have a myspace page. A girl I've gone on dates with a few times has one (she's 27), but my assistant at work has a more tricked-out page (she's 38, with 2 kids). It still feels wrong to me...

Reader Mailbag

2007-08-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

OK folks, time to take a break from blogging and respond to some of the comments, questions and concerns that have been submitted by my readers.

And we're done.

A Crisis Situation

2007-08-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

"The first rule in a crisis situation: you negotiate first and you attack last."

"The second rule in a crisis situation: if you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called."

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Julius Benedict, Twins

But what does Julius Benedict have to do with anything, you ask? And if you didn't ask, you were supposed to. In this particular case, the answer is "not the first damned thing."

But on the heels of my landmark, groundbreaking, watershed, Pulitzer Prize-winning Brush It Like Beckham post, I got to thinking. Now, I don't normally recommend this, since it usually causes more harm than good. But, undaunted, I started thinking: Am I having a mid-life crisis?

According to Wikipedia, some characteristics of mid-life crisis are:

* a desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness. (Yes.)
* a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships. (YES!!!)
* conspicuous consumption - acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, shotguns, etc. (Do Bud Light shotguns count?)
* paying special attention to physical appearance. (Yes.)

So, I came up with a list of Mid-Life Crisis Indicators for myself:

Pro Mid-Life Crisis:

* I recently changed my hairstyle to compensate for a receding hairline.
* Cougars are now perfectly age-appropriate, but I insist on dating 27 year-olds.
* I pluck gray hairs.
* I am training for a triathlon.
* I listen to morning radio, and prefer talk radio to music much of the time.
* I am taking surfing lessons.
* I recently purchased clothes at American Eagle.
* I sometimes grunt when sitting down or standing up. (Author's note: I pronounce "sometimes" as "all-waayz")
* I snowboard instead of ski, even though I like skiing more.
* The people from work I spend the most time with socially are aged 23 and 24 years.
* I am bothered by the fact that I am now almost twice as old as recent Playmates of the Month.
* I own Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix (with a Dance Pad) for Xbox 360 and I actually use it. (Wait, what do you mean this isn't a "I'm a Total Tool Crisis" post?)
* My father showed signs of mid-life crisis (hair dye-ing, philandering) in his 30's and into his 40's.

Anti Mid-Life Crisis:

* I do not have a toupee or hair plugs.
* I do not use Rogaine, Propecia, Alopecia or Alouette.
* I am not trying to date persons aged 23 or 24 years, whether I work with them or not.
* I do not dye my hair, and have not since 1999.
* The clothes I bought at American Eagle were cargo shorts, not a hoodie or graphic t-shirt.
* I don't have and am not planning on getting any tattoos or body piercings.
* I have not bought or leased a sports car or motorcycle.
* I don't hang out in PB (I don't hang out at playgrounds either, but that is more of a Megan's Law thing).
* I don't take adrenaline vacations.
* If 40 is the new 20, then I am not at mid-life yet, unless the Big Man knows something I don't know. Like that 40 is Not the new 20.

What does all this mean? Well, let's feed these data into the Mid-Life Crisis Indicator Reader Interpreter Device Thingy:

Result: Inconclusive. More Data Needed.

So, who knows what the future holds? Viagra? (Well, if we are splitting hairs here, more Viagra?) An endless string of meaningless relationships wherein I use 21 year-old balls hot blonds for sex, and they use me for money? I can live with that.

In the Rear With the Gear

2007-08-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have been fortunate enough to attend three weddings in the last two weekends. At one of these weddings, I was seated at the head table. At the other two I was seated not at the head table, but at a different table. Maybe better described as the "back" table. At another recent wedding, I was seated with the parents of the bride, who spoke little English. At least to me. I am sure they spoke perfect English but just decided to pretend not to, as a way to avoid actually speaking with me. It reminds me of the time I was in Ensenada and asked a girl to dance with me. She turned to me, looked me directly in the eye, and said "I don't speak English." Since I am bilingual (well, I'm bi-something, I can't always remember what though) I quickly replied "Quieres bailar conmigo?" To which she said, "No hablo espanol cualquier." ("I don't speak Spanish either.") I decided to ask her to dance in the International language, which looked a hell of a lot like Maverick and Goose "Communicating... keeping up foreign relations" in the opening scene of Top Gun. Speaking of "bi."

But am I so dangerous that I must be sequestered in the rear or otherwise taken out of commission? There are a couple of possible explanations for positioning me this way:

* Keep the paparazzi away from me to the extent possible
* Keep my new and improved hairstyle from upstaging the bride and/or groom
* Minimize the disruption / keep the older folks from being mortified when I organize boat races between tables
* Keep me near the bathroom on the chance I have a tequila shot that doesn't sit quite like it ought to

Admittedly these are valid concerns, some more (last two) than others (first two). But I miss the single table. Back when there were single people at weddings, there were single tables. I was pretty money at the single table. Not that I would want me around singles either, since that is a pretty good way to turn them off of the whole marriage concept.

I also miss the bouquet toss and the garter throw. I still do these around the house, so I guess I miss them more in the wedding context. I would assume the reason these have been discontinued from weddings is that they are somewhat embarassing to the three people that are still single, especially those that have been dating someone for eight years with no proposal in sight. An alternate and equally likely explanation is that there were a few too many injuries resulting from fights over the bouquet after it was learned that I am a single man.

Current wedding trend that I am for: a friend becoming an internet-licensed minister for one day, and having that friend act as the priest, officiant, person who says "Do you? Do you? Kiss her." Current wedding trend I am against: giving the minister job to a marginally insane friend, along with a Franciscan monk robe and a battle axe.

Brush it Like Beckham

2007-08-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

It started out with a simple comment, on Polk street, circa 2003. Didn't think anything of it at the time:

"[Name of Mutual Friend]'s going pretty quickly." - G$
"Yeah, glad I don't have that problem." - JW
"I don't know about that..." - G$

More recently:

"I wouldn't really change anything on the face, but there is a little receding going on..." - "Jill" (San Diego chick) early 2007

"The celebrity people say you look like is probably Vince Vaughn." - Online date chick, July 2007

Now, THAT was interesting. The celebrities I've been compared to are Marc Anthony, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Jim Carrey. Never heard Vince before.

There was also hard evidence. I never really looked at this evidence, but it was there all along:

The San Juan bachelor party really hammered the point home though:

Dude is losing his hair! I knew I was having grey hair issues, but since people have been pointing out my grey hairs to me since college, I am actually pretty pleased that it has advanced as slowly as it has. But this other thing, THIS is an issue. I really only see myself from the front in the mirror, and I've always had a high forehead, so I didn't know this was going on. This is something that happens to other people, not to me. WHY THE HELL WASN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THIS?!?!?

Can anything be done? I mean, besides a change in career:

Unfortunately I can't sing a lick, so I guess that's out. And yes, that is me as "Fat Elvis." Smartasses.

Luckily, there is another option. (Well, according to the internet, there are several options, including the Bruce Willis "Die Hard" look.) There just so happens to be an international sensation who has the same issues, and who has popularized a hairstyle that happens to be perfect for the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the $250 million man, David Beckham!

Can I get away with a "fauxhawk" like Becks can? So far, no one has said a thing. I don't think anyone will even notice the difference in hairstyle. That is, unless I do something stupid like post pictures of the new look on a blog.

As Borat might say, Success! Granted, I am looking pretty rough, but the photo was taken on a Sunday morning when I was out until 4am the night before (and nice beginning of a double chin there, fatass. Luckily I am trending away from that right now). I think the look is "professional" enough to wear at work, and my hair wasn't really cut to do this, so the look will improve over time. I was due for a hairstyle change anyway. So, problem (temporarily) solved, though I fear this may be the first step down a dark road that I may not want to travel.

Backside to the Future

2007-08-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

I received an interesting e-mail today. It was from Marci812. The subject line read: "21/f... You wanna chat?" Based on the e-mail, I gather that Marci is new to town and thought she'd trying something new to meet people. She's a little nervous to be on there but she figures you only live once. If I get bored, I am to cum find her.

This is really similar to an e-mail I received from Lisa2981. In fact, it was exactly the same! Verbatim! And they both came from the same e-mail address: return@www.paid-product1.com! I bet you these two hotties are roommates, and they're too poor to afford their own e-mail addresses! They're probably desperate and would do anything for money! I am seeing a threesome in my future - JW, Marci812 and Lisa2981. Sweet!

But there is, as always, a catch. You see, Marci's e-mail is dated August 1, 2037. That e-mail won't even be sent for another 30 years, and if Marci812 sent it today, she did so when she was -9 years old! I haven't brushed up on my statutory rape law, but I am assuming sex with a -9 year old is against some kind of law, like maybe the laws of physics.

Now I'm afraid I'm going to end up disappointing Marci and Lisa. Regardless of the advances that are made in Viagra technology between now and 2037, I am just not certain that at age 65 I will be able to keep up with these two girls. The only logical thing to do is fill up a DeLorean with some plutonium, accelerate to 88 MPH and travel forward 30 years into Marci and Lisa's waiting arms. And someone does park a DeLorean in my parking structure. This is foolproof...

The Curse

2007-08-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

I have this idea in my head about how my fantasy drafts go. Specifically, it seems like the first pitcher I take always shits the bed. Since CBS Sportsline keeps track of several years' worth of drafts, let's have a look and see if this fantasy postulate holds true.

Year: 2002
Team: Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin'

First pitcher taken: Chan Ho Park (3rd round)
Prior year stats: 1.17 WHIP, 3.50 ERA, 15-11, 8.5 K/9

Comment: Park was signed by the Rangers as a free agent for some ludicrous amount like $15M per year for 5 years. I figured his ERA would rise a bit, but so would his win total since the Rangers had a much more potent offense. I was right about the rise in ERA at least. Ended up at 9-8 with a 5.75 ERA, and did not even attempt any flying scissor-kicks on opposing pitchers.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2003
Team: A Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen

First pitcher taken: Robb Nen (4th round)
Prior year stats: 1.14 WHIP, 2.20 ERA, 6-2, 43 saves, 9.9 K/9

Comment: Nen was coming off an All-Star year. He was also coming off shoulder surgery, and didn't pitch an inning that year, after reports in spring training that he was fine. It seems that Dusty Baker blew out Nen's arm while the Giants blew the 2002 World Series to the Angels. Should have been tipped off by the fact that the radar gun was off when he appeared in the final exhibition games, at Pac Bell Park.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2004
Team: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

First pitcher taken: Kerry Wood (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.19 WHIP, 3.20 ERA, 14-11, 11.3 K/9

Comment: The two previous years were injury-free, but those were Dusty Baker "Leave 'em out there until their arms fall off" years. Wood got hurt in 2004 and ended up at 8-9, 3.72. For further evidence of the Dusty Baker Effect, see Prior, Mark (2002 - present). Oh, what I would have given to achieve healthy Wood in 2004.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2005
Team: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Draft Picks

First pitcher taken: Curt Schilling (1st round)
Prior year stats: 1.06 WHIP, 3.26 ERA, 21-6, 8.1 K/9

Comment: This fat fuck was coming off the "bloody sock" games of the playoffs and World Series, but was expected to be ready in time for the season. He was. If you consider 1.53 WHIP, 5.69 ERA, 8-8, 9 saves, 8.4 K/9 to be "ready." I was "ready" to punch my TV and/or computer monitor many times that year. Plus, Doug Mirabelli admitted that the blood on the sock was actually paint, so that obviously means that Schilling wasn't injured in 2005, but that he intentionally tanked to destroy my fantasy league chances. Yet another example of Curt being an asshole in a world filled with such examples.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2006
Team: Operation Shutdown

First pitcher taken: Bartolo Colon (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.16 WHIP, 3.48 ERA, 21-8, 6.3 K/9, Cy Young award

Comment: This fat fuck was injured in the World Baseball Classic and stunk up the joint to the tune of 1-5, 5.11 ERA before mercifully being shut down. Note that I was picking at the end of the 2nd round, and my first pick in the 3rd round was Rich Harden, who pitched well when he did pitch but was pretty much a similarly spectacular failure on the whole.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2007
Team: Don Imus's Nappy Headed Hos

First pitcher taken: Jason Schmidt (6th round)
Prior year stats: 1.26 WHIP, 3.59 ERA, 11-9, 7.6 K/9

Comment: This other fat fuck came out of spring training throwing 84 MPH, and ended up making 6 starts (1-4, 1.79 WHIP, 6.31 ERA) before being shut down for season-ending shoulder surgery. At least he raised his K/9 to 7.7, the ungrateful prick. And the joke is on him, since I traded him for Julio Lugo right before he was shut down. Actually, the joke might still be on me for making that trade.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Overall First Pitcher Shitting the Bed Percentage: 100%. The Curse is legit!

Note to self: Don't draft pitchers.
Footnote to self: If you must draft pitchers, draft Yankee pitchers.

Gagne with a Spoon

2007-07-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

At first I was concerned that I might be infringing on Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") territory here, but then I realized I wasn't going to write about any of the following topics:

"Vegas with the guys is a lot of fun, and you can use sports analogies while you're there!"
"Even though I couldn't hack it writing for the Jimmy Kimmel Live show, I still hang out with Jimmy Kimmel on Sundays to watch football. Did I mention that I know Jimmy Kimmel?"
"I still watch the NBA. Isiah Thomas is a bad GM, Doc Rivers is a bad coach, and my greatest fantasy is for Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson to simultaneously find out if I'm watertight!"
"Adam Carrolla is really, really funny. No, he really is. Did I mention that I know Adam Carrolla, who knows Jimmy Kimmel?"
"If gambling were legal, here are some shitty NFL picks."

Even though Simmons may have internet monopolies on those specific topics, I think other people are also allowed to write about Boston sports teams. So, without further ado (some would call it stalling) we shall discuss the Boston Red Sox's trade for Eric Gagne.

Faithful reader (intentionally not plural) of my blog will know that I am against the "hired gun" mentality in sports. This trade for Gagne is exactly that. The Sox are getting a rent-a-player, trading away the future for immediate help, to "win now." I guess that's how it is in sports these days. Granted, I don't think any of the players that were traded for Gagne have anything more than marginal major league futures, but part of being a fan of a team is being a fan of the players on the team, and watching them stay together and get better over time. For instance, I have been a co-owner with BRD in fantasy baseball for several teams (such as Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin' and The Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen). When BRD was involved in drafting the team, the players became "his" players, and he was interested. The year he was unable to participate in the draft, he didn't participate much with the team because he didn't feel any connection to the players.

In that context, Gagne isn't "my" player. He is a player that was foisted upon me, much like Johan Santana was foisted upon BRD in the 9th round in 2003. Maybe Gagne will be great for the Red Sox. Maybe he'll help them win the World Series. But it will feel like the title was bought rather than earned by developing home-grown players, on a playing field that is relatively level with all the other teams (not just the Yankees). A (more) fair win as opposed to a cheap win. I guess a lot of people root for the team, a city and a logo and not the players. Not me.

Michael Vick: Prick

2007-07-24T21:53:00.001-07:00

OK, Michael Vick is apparently a bad guy. At least that's what I keep hearing on the radio and reading on the internet. I haven't read any of the specific allegations against Vick, so anything I know about his recent troubles is hearsay. I do know that he is somehow involved with a dog-fighting ring that allegedly killed dogs that didn't want to fight, and did so in creative and especially cruel ways, such as hanging, electrocution, drowning, and the tried-and-true favorite of repeatedly bashing the dog's head into the pavement. Terrible, horrible stuff all.

But I wonder why it is that every time I see Vick discussed on the television, the accompanying picture of Vick makes him look like a total thug? I mean, in this country we are theoretically innocent until proven guilty. If that is the case, why must we show him looking like he is about to go on a 10-state crime spree?

I'm pretty sure I've seen all three of those photos used by the media. The guy in those pictures just looks guilty of something.

Of course, there are other photos of Michael out there that the media could be using. See, look at how nice Michael can look while wearing NFL gear, in contrast to the above photos:

Here's a picture of Michael at a fundraiser for a Boys & Girls Club (yes, I realize it is not a Kennel Club or PETA fundraiser, but still):

And here's Michael as the "token fraternity black guy":

See how harmless he looks? Who doesn't remember tossing the old pigskin with a guy like this in college? Good times. But we are instead treated to "Do-Rag" Vick. Hell, after seeing the media photos I am relieved that all he did was bet on/execute some dogs.

Maybe "thug" pictures of Tom Brady don't exist, but I just have trouble thinking the media would be portraying him the same way they are portraying Vick. I imagine some of that is a race thing, but some of it is also image. I don't think the media would "thug-ize" Will Smith or Colin Powell if they were to run afoul of the law. Of course, Powell and the Fresh Prince are white.

HOT OR NOT UPDATE: My "official" score on "Hot or Not" is a 4.7. I don't think I can blame my regular blog readers for flooding the site with artificially low scores, since I don't have any regular blog readers. So, I am not Hot after all. Quite a blow to the old self-esteem.

These are the Jokes

2007-07-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

A divorce court judge has ruled that Heather Mills, the soon-to-be former spouse of Paul McCartney, is not entitled to any portion of Mr. McCartney's financial estate. In what is being hailed by commentators as a harsh decision, the judge ruled that in making her claim, Ms. Mills "didn't have a leg to stand on."

Walking away from her marriage empty-handed, Ms. Mills, despite her appearance on television's "Dancing with the Stars," will be forced to find regular employment. Industry insiders agree this should not be a problem for Ms. Mills, as she has already received several inquiries as to her availability, and most notably a lucrative offer to serve as spokesperson for the well-known restaurant chain "International House of Pancakes." (Wait for it...)

I don't dance, people.

I Am Hot

2007-07-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Submitted my profile photo to Am I Hot or Not? yesterday, because I am retro like that. My current score is 8.4, based on votes by the public at large, or at least the public at large that feels compelled to go on the internet and rate pictures of complete strangers on a scale of 1 to 10. This is apparently 'hotter' than 82% of all guys. I can assure you that I have not been stuffing the ballot box, as it were, but I make no such representations with respect to my underwear. In a new blog feature that is sure to be ignored by me, I'll be sporadically updating my score, which is displayed to the right.

Take My Advice

2007-07-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

Jennie Finch has a fantasy advice column on ESPN.com. Perhaps I should clarify. It is not a column for advice about just any garden-variety fantasy, like the fantasy where Janet Reno dresses up like Wonder Woman, takes off your clothes and ties you up, and throws spoonfuls of green jello at your naked body. Jennie has a fantasy baseball advice column.

The part I don't understand is, why do people send e-mails to Jennie Finch asking for fantasy sports advice? Does Jennie, a marginally attractive (yes, marginally; see photo) softball player, know more about baseball than I do? Does Jennie know more about baseball than a trained monkey does? (Whether or not I know more about baseball than a trained monkey will be addressed in my upcoming blog entry, to be posted on the First of Never.)

Let's check Jennie's ESPN web page to see if her qualifications are listed there, shall we?

"Jennie went 2-0 as a member of the 2004 USA Softball team that won the gold medal." Totally irrelevant, but if I need a fantasy softball update for Cat Osterman I know who to ask. Could come in handy.

"Jennie is married to Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Casey Daigle." Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher is a pretty liberal description of a guy who has a 6.64 ERA and a .354 opponent's batting average against for the AAA Tucson Sidewinders. But Daigle is apparently 6'5" and 248 lbs, so I might want to be a little careful what I say about him, his terrible statistics, or his gargantuan behemoth of a wife. Note for the record that this little rant has nothing to do with Jennie advising me to trade Randy Johnson after a few good starts, me ignoring that advice, and Randy's current extended stay on the DL. Because that never happened.

This leads me to a larger issue. Who gives a crap what any of these talking heads in sports says? I've been listening to ESPN radio in the morning (mainly because it feels wrong to watch porn at such an early hour), and this guy named Colin Cowherd starts naming his top 10 college football programs of the last 10 years. And, inexplicably, people start calling in to argue with this guy. "I think you have Tennessee ranked too low, their record was such-and-such in 1998." So what? What's the point? Does Cowherd vote for the BCS or something? Is there a cash prize for being ranked in Colin Cowherd's top 10 that is split among all alumni of the schools that make it?

Some things in life just aren't "value added." People who call in to radio talk shows. Hugh Jackman. This blog.

Dark Territory

2007-07-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm watching "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory," which is a fantasic Steven Seagal film, and one of the few that does not have a two- or three-word title like Above the Law, Marked for Death, Hard to Kill, Fire Down Below, Under Siege, The Glimmer Man, Out for Justice, or On Deadly Ground (which co-starred EJ). The title of the film I was watching is technically "Under Siege 2," and the rest is a subtitle, so it probably does qualify as a three-worder. In any regard, I'm watching this film and I'm noticing that Seagal's 16-year old niece is being played by an attractive young girl who is pretty distinctive looking. After watching for a little longer, I figured out that the girl was Katherine Heigl, Izzy from "Grey's Anatomy" (I guess she's also in this "Knocked Up" film but, since I have no girlfriend, I haven't seen this one).

Three thoughts come to mind. First, even though Heigl is apparently engaged or married to some jackass named Josh Kelley, she would be on my Hump Island. Let's have her replace the chick from Entourage and table the rest of that discussion for now. Second, considering I am much better looking than Mr. Kelley, and we are both musicians of some note, my chances of stealing Heigl from Mr. Kelley are probably better than 50%. Third, I wonder what's happened to some other actresses that I thought were "cute" when playing a teenager. Did they blossom (and not in the sense of did they become marginally attractive and co-star with Joey Lawrence on a TV sitcom)? Where are they now?

Is this sketchy? A bit. But am I sketchy? Absolutely. And these women are all perfectly age-appropriate now. So, without further ado, and with a big "F-You" to the copyright people (note that there is still a standing "F-You" for people who stop elevator doors from closing), I present to you some "then" and "now" pictures:

Katherine Heigl (born 1978). Pic from "My Father the Hero" (1994), and present-day. Katherine is all growns up now. Hubba hubba.

Eliza Dushku (born 1980). Pic from "True Lies" (1994), and present-day. Nice improvement by Ms. Dushku, but you could kind of see it coming. She is apparently banging Brad Penny of the LA Dodgers now.

Danielle Harris (born 1977). Pic from "The Last Boy Scout" (1991), and present-day. This one was quite a surprise to me, since Danielle's career hasn't exactly been high visibility after TLBS. Still, we are starting to see a trend - chicks that make it into movies at a young age tend to grow up to be hot. Shocker.

Natalie Portman (born 1981). Pic from "The Professional" (1994), and present-day. Probably the one that started it all - my college roommate Ben had an unhealthy obsession with Natalie in that film (note for the record that he had many unhealthy obsessions, such as Sega Hockey, Howard Stern, and delivering cheese to sorority houses).

There are others. If I had seen Beautiful Girls I might know that some chick in that movie was supposedly hot and thirteen (Uma Thurman?). Also, Drew Barrymore was in movies at a young age but I'd say she is the exception to the rule since I don't find her attractive and if anything I am a little repulsed by her. Though I am sure that feeling isn't mutual.

Speaking of "Where Are They Now," did you know that Jon Gries, better known as Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, played Laslo Hollyfeld in the Val Kilmer classic "Real Genius"? You did? Well, F-You.

The No Bench-press Association

2007-07-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

The totally irrelevant professional sports league that is the National Basketball Association just had its annual draft. This is not to be confused with the annual fantasy basketball draft that used to take place at Shanghai Kelly's on a cocktail napkin for the now legendary "Whiting v. Wood" 2-team fantasy basketball league. I don't know what has happened more recently, that fantasy draft or a new TAP blog post.

The Seattle Sonics were roundly praised for selecting Kevin Durant with the second overall pick in the NBA draft. I am disappointed that the Sonics did not get Greg Oden, since I think Wood still follows the NBA and I would have liked to be able to ask him questions like "Does Oden ever talk about what World War II was like?" Nevertheless, the Sonics got Durant.

The Sonics also hired PJ Carliesimo to coach their team. Carliesimo enjoyed substantial success in the college ranks at Seton Hall and went on to fail as an NBA coach at several stops. You might remember that Carliesimo was the coach of the Golden State Warriors when he was choked by one of his players, shooting guard Latrell "I Got a Family to Feed" Sprewell (note welts on neck):

I think this is a dicey hire for the Sonics. You see, a 6'10" player with a 7'+ wingspan like Durant has could choke Carliesimo from a considerable distance. However, this may be countered by the fact that Durant cannot bench-press 185 pounds - so he is probably too weak to apply enough force to effectively choke his coach:

If I paid any attention the NBA, I'd be curious to see how this plays out.

Hump Day Ramblings

2007-05-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Late-night, mid-week ramblings. Much easier to crank out than organized, humorous posts...

I have been on four online dates. On the "10" scale for attractiveness, the girls were a "7", a "9", an "8" and an "8" (the Wood Dog can independently verify these statistics). Unfortunately, they all have serious personality flaws and/or are insane, which explains why women that look like that would be using an online dating service...

There is a girl at my work that is a "5" on the attractiveness scale, and by "5" I mean "4". She told me the other day that she is an "8.5" (or a "9" if she puts on makeup)...

One day I will write a movie script. It will have a coherent plot, but the dialogue willl be comprised entirely of quotes from other movies...

If I could get the license for it, I think I'd make a trillion dollars selling NFL Draft beer...

I aspire to play twins in a bad movie (I don't know if one person has ever played twins in a good movie, though Chris Knight pulled off the feat in an excellent Brady Bunch episode). I also aspire to act in a movie as a cop that doesn't play by the rules...

Celebrities I have been told I look like include Jim Carrey, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Mark Anthony...

Since I've moved to San Diego, I've been considering launching a boxing career. I would fight as "Oscar de La Jolla"...

One day I will participate in the running of the bulls in Spain. Not sure if I will ever participate in the running of the bullshitters in North Beach...

If I could pick one karaoke song to be able to nail at any time, I'd probably pick Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam...

The last movie I saw in a theater was Snakes on a Plane...

I will participate in the Hermosa Ironman again...

To paraphrase Mitch Hedberg, I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that...

I think Mitch Hedberg is overrated. I think performers who die young are generally overrated...

Speaking of dying, about two years ago, I invested equal amounts of money in a funeral company and in a medical company that produces equipment for an experimental heart procedure that would benefit me. Kind of a Life or Death investment, really. Both stocks were trading at $8 when I made the investment. "Life" is now trading at $5.92. "Death" is trading at $13.79...

In related news, I have put together a playlist for my own funeral. Songs include "Lucky Man" (The Verve), "Juicy" (Notorious BIG), "Nothingman" (Pearl Jam) and "High and Dry" (Radiohead)...

I realized we've gone too far with our televised sports when Trey Wingo, the ESPN studio host for NFL Live, congratulated his fellow studio-mates for an "unbelievable mock draft"...

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know (use the comment button)...

I almost always have a first-person shooter (i.e. a Doom-style game) and a role-playing video game going. Currently, these are "Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood" and "Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind"...

That last entry explains a lot about my eternal singlehood...

Josh Bard, catcher for the San Diego Padres may be the worst sports interview on the planet. It's not just that he has nothing to say, it's also how he doesn't say it. The phrase "you know" is repeated about every fourth word. So that's, you know, something that, you know, I am really, you know, annoyed by...

I can't watch most sports talk shows, but I really can't watch them when they have guest hosts. "I'm Doug Gottlieb, and here's what I'm burning about." Who gives a rat's ass what you're burning about...

Although well produced, I don't understand the popularity of "Deal or No Deal" (or as I call it, "America's Bad at Math"). I did see Howie Mandel at the Venetian in Vegas about four months ago. He apparently thinks he is hot shit now...

I have not dunked a basketball since college. I believe I could dunk a basketball if I trained to do so. Would probably take me about 2-3 months to get there I think...

I slept with women I work with at my two jobs prior to the current one. That never turns out well. I have never had sex in the workplace, however...

The funniest line I ever saw on the Newlywed Game was when the wife was asked what was the most unusual place she and her husband made whoopee. The wife answered "the butt"...

I used to think I could make a living playing golf if I had the time and money to practice full time, hire a swing coach, etc. I think I used to be wrong...

At one time, if I could only eat one food for the rest of my life I would have chosen spaghetti. Sushi is my favorite food, but I can only have it occasionally and wouldn't enjoy it every day. Now the food I would choose for the rest of my life is chicken burritos...

Dunk Contest

2007-05-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

It is taking forever to finish my Online Dating Field Reports. Probaby because I haven't really been working on them. In the meantime, I submit to you the following videos that I enjoyed. They feature some random college kids dunking on a nerf hoop. Good production values, well done overall.

And the sequel:

Originally found these links at Sports Guy on ESPN.com.

A Rhetorical Question

2007-04-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, I'm heading home this morning, walking through downtown San Diego. I stop at an intersection, waiting for the light to change so I can cross the street. Someone walks up behind and to the left of me, and stands basically in what would be my blind spot if I were driving. After a few seconds, this person walks around to the right of me, and speaks. "Do you know what time it is?" he says. He's a bit smaller than I am, maybe 30 or 35 years old, and is holding a bible, Watchtower, Koran, or some other religious tome. Doesn't look overtly homeless, but definitely has a wild look in his eye. I start to look at my cell phone to check the time, and this gentleman speaks again. "It was a rhetorical question. Keep walking, shithead."

I forgot to ask him if he plays softball.

Early Morning Rants

2007-04-21T03:02:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts and bon mots, in no particular order. Think of it as my own version of the Three Dot Lounge...

Fettkrieg 2: Attack of the Scones may be funnier than Fettkrieg 2: The Wrath of Flan...

The best song of 2006 was "You Only Live Twice" by the Strokes...

The best new drinking game of 2005 was "Saddam of Death" by 860-D Macarthur...

I hate signs and people that use the phrase "ATM Machine." It is either an ATM or an AT Machine...

Ditto people that use PIN numbers...

The dialogue of the most recent three Star Wars movies is terrible, but if you go back to the original trilogy, the dialogue is nearly as bad. The dialogue in the Indiana Jones triolgy, on the other hand, is not terrible and holds up over time. And yet George Lucas was prominently involved in both projects. I can only assume Lucas didn't write the Indy films...

If you were going to start a fantasy baseball site, the only stories you'd need to write would be (1) hitters tend to break out at age 27, and (2) don't panic and trade high round picks that start slow...

You get your meal for free at Panda Express if they don't give you the receipt to ensure the receipt is always printed out (i.e. that the cashier actually rings up the sale and doesn't pocket your money). It has nothing to do with your satisfaction...

As much as I like what he did for the Patriots, I can't stand to hear Adam Vinatieri constantly referred to as The Greatest Clutch Kicker in NFL History...

However, I should be referred to as The Greatest Late Night Blogger in Internet History...

I am really annoyed by the phrase "the scary part is..."

I am equally annoyed by the phrase "has only scratched the surface..."

The scary part is, I've only scratched the surface of how annoyed I can be...

There is nothing funnier than a room full of white people dancing to hip hop music...

In Old School, the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival took place on Thursday night, per the flyer on the tree outside Mitch's house. But when Spanish is trying to get Frank the Tank to funnel a beer, Frank's initial excuse for not doing so is that he's busy the next day: "a pretty good little Saturday. Going to go to Home Depot, maybe Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have time." So, was the party on Thursday or Friday? Was Frank smart enough to realize that it was after midnight, and therefore the next day? And what about Elisha Cuthbert's character having to leave for class? Does she mean Friday classes, or is she in summer school?

My hump island consists of Elisha Cuthbert, Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Carla Gugino and Keira Knightley. For now...

It bothers me when middle initials are used as part of someone's name (Michael J. Fox) but not when the first name is abbreviated (J. Edgar Hoover)...

I really hate it when people have cell phone conversations in places where people around them can't help but hear the conversation - places like BART trains, buses, restaurants, the doctor's office, etc. I'll text message (and this explains the occasional barrages of text messages from me) but won't talk on the phone in these situations, and I wish other people would do the same...

Sometimes when I'm a captive audience (BART trains, buses, the doctor's office, on the john, etc.) I will look at the entertainment section of the newspaper and play a little game I like to call the "F*ck Game." To play this game, you need the cable TV listings for the day. You go to the movie section, and play the game for each movie channel (e.g. HBO, Cinemax, Showtime). Starting from the left, you are allowed to look only at the first movie listed for that channel (the listings are usually for primetime, so there are generally about 3-4 movies listed). Then, you must decide if you would have sex with someone in that movie or show, or whether you pass on that listing (once you pass, you can't come back to it) and look at the next movie and make the same choice. If you haven't selected anyone by the time you get to the last movie or show, you must choose someone from that movie or show. It's kind of like Deal or No Deal, or getting married - do I take the sure thing, or hold out for something potentially better? There is some real strategy involved in this game. For instance, suppose it is a Friday and the first Cinemax movie listed is Demoltion Man. Now, you might normally be inclined to choose Sandra Bullock from this movie and end the round. But this being a Friday, you can be pretty sure that a Hotel Erotica or The Best Sex Ever will be on later that night so you can probably get away with passing and hoping that Pirates of the Carribbean will be on, confident in your fallback position. But sometimes you end up screwing yourself this way; say you're on HBO and you passed on Blind Date because you want to try for something better than an "80's hot" Kim Basinger, but the final listing is something like Oz or Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. Then you really end up screwing yourself (well, Bryant Gumbel actually)...

A Day That Will Live in Infamy

2007-04-17T01:28:00.000-07:00

First off, I once again thank my lucky stars that Kark Hungus is not blogging, because he would tear apart both steaming piles of monkey crap that are my two otherwise most recent posts. Amazing how far one will go for a "Benny! Screwwwww Youuuuuu!" joke.

Tomorrow, Fettkreig 2 begins. The War on Fat. 2. It is handy knowing when a war is going to begin. For instance, it would have been nice to know when the Germans were going to bomb Pearl Harbor. Forget it - I'm rolling.

Fettkrieg 2 needs a subtitle. The obvious joke is Fettkrieg 2: Electric Boogaloo. However, the obvious joke is not the funny joke. Fettkrieg 2: The Wrath of Flan is the funny joke.

I am not optimistic about my chances at winning FK2:TWOF. One reason is that I do not have as much room to improve as I did during the first Fettkrieg, which I will call Fatman Begins. During Fatman Begins, I lost 22 pounds, showed up at the finals at a pretty toned 199, and didn't come within shouting distance of the top 3. I ended up winning the Mr. Congeniality award. No one can tell me with a straight face that any competition in which I win the Mr. F-ing Congeniality award does not have serious flaws in its scoring system. I was jobbed, I deserved at least third place, and I will go to my grave knowing that.

Besides judging that makes the officiating at a Duke home college basketball appear fair and balanced, a reason I am not optimistic is that I live in SD, away from my fellow competitors. So, I will not see them sitting on their increasingly fatter asses, drinking white Russians made with whole milk and eating mini corn dogs, and generally procrastinating until the last month. Normally, such a sight would inspire me to redouble my efforts. Though to be fair, a redoubling of my efforts probably amounts to something just shy of a normal person's effort.

Another reason I am not optimistic is the food at my office. My practice group has donuts or bagels at least twice a week, and has a birthday cake or pie every two or three weeks. The worst part is that these donuts/bagels/cakes all live in the otherwise empty cubicle outside my office. So, I can see the food at all times if I look up from my desk, and I must walk past the food to go anywhere else in the building. I do not feel it will be a problem to ignore the food once the competition starts, however. If any of the jackals that are in the competition stumble across this blog and want to test me, e-mail me and I will send you my work address. Go ahead and have some pizzas, hot fudge sundaes, bratwursts delivered, whatever. I will instruct my assistant to watch me, and if I so much as have one bite, she will tell you and I will pay for whatever you sent over.

SD can also be an advantage, though. I don't know if the secret is out yet, but this city has beaches and some serious talent. Seeing as how I haven't had a girlfriend since I moved to SD, you'd think I might be motivated to work out so I can go acquire one of these bikini-clad beach megababes. If fact, that would probably motivate me, if I weren't so gosh-darned lazy. More good news for the competitors - I just got the phone number of a girl I've been wanting to ask out for awhile, and I think she's into it. So, if my motivation was already on life support, Dr. Jack Kevorkian just walked into my motivation's hospital room during an Enron-sponsored statewide brownout. Hilarity ensues.

Another advantage I've got is that my chest is currently shaved. It was not my choice, but it is shaved nonetheless. Abercrombie models shave their chests (at least, the ones I've dated do), and girls seem to like the way Abercrombie models look. So it stands to reason that girls might rate a guy with a shaved chest higher in the competition. Though I'm not sure how one would score in the final posedown if one's posedown routine consisted entirely of scratching the stubble on one's chest.

Third advantage: Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix, with dance pad, for Xbox 360.

So, what will my strategy be? I've learned that the raw weight loss number isn't important, and the "before" pictures aren't that important. Looking your best at the end is what is important, and I think I lost too much weight last time. Since Fatman Begins, I've added and managed to keep some additional muscle mass, most notably in the arms. So, if I can keep that size, and lose, say 8 pounds instead of 20, I may have a shot at this thing. I know if I start packing protein and lifting, and don't go on the Atkins diet, I can put on size pretty quickly. Realistically, I think I could gain 10 pounds of muscle from April to August. The key will be to time the Atkins diet so I reach the target weight at the end of the competition. Last summer I embarked on something of a solo-Fettkrieg and ended up losing too much weight then as well, to the point where my coworkers thought I had contracted some sort of life-threatening illness. Our reception used to ask me if I was trying out for the lead role in the Machinist. But if I can show up at a pumped up 210, rather than a too-skinny 199, I might be able to factor into this thing.

I think the FK2:TWOF organizers recognize that I could be a threat. It was brilliant strategy by them to recruit me as keeper of the pictures. First off, they know I blog, and will probably spend significant time building a FK2 website that could be better spent lifting. Second, they know I will probably spend significant time with the "before" pictures that could be better spent lifting (though to be fair, I will at least be breaking a sweat in this second case). They are mistaken regarding the first case.

Other news: Going on my first online date this week. Cute girl, soccer player, seems normal. Will let you know how it goes, blog parental guidance rating permitting.

And here is a video you need to watch now, if not sooner:

Taxi!

2007-04-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd do some writing while I ponder why Don Imus doesn't have a job while Dennis Nifong does. If (a) I was willing to do any thinking before writing this blog; (b) this blog was about relevant social issues and not just my self-indulgent crap; and (c) every other jackass with an online column wasn't already writing something about Mr. Imus, I might take time to comment about that.

This blog entry is about paratransit. This was a word we used in my econ classes at Berkeley. Basically, it means "for hire" transportation that does not follow a fixed route. An example might be those fake trolleys that drive around Union Street in SF, stopping at various bars. You know, the ones with 25 jackass dudes, a keg, and two beat chicks the 25 guys managed to pick up at the last bar the trolley stopped at (likely the Bus Stop). Another example might be a bus hired to take a group of guys to and from a college football game, or from a baseball game to an adult establishment. The most obvious example of paratransit, however, is the taxicab. Like the one driven by Mr. Travis Bickle, pictured.

Living in San Francisco, one can get a bit spoiled by the taxicab situation. They are readily available, and my taxi rides in San Francisco have generally been short ones, say 15 minutes at most (or at least, the trip should have taken 15 minutes). That probably had something to do with the fact that I wouldn't venture much further than North Beach or the occasional trip to whatever they're calling the baseball stadium these days. There is also the issue of getting a cab to come to the Presidio - I'd say they showed up about 40% of the time - but for the most part, once you are in a normal part of town (for the record, "normal part of town" does not include outside of the Lone Palm) you can pretty much step into the street, raise your hand, and you'll have a cab within a couple of minutes. Pretty handy.

Getting a cab to come to my place in La Jolla is similar to getting one to go to the Presidio. If you arrange for the cab 24 hours in advance, they'll generally show up. However, if you're not sure when you're leaving, or if you need a cab without giving notice (if, for instance, someone wants to go home late at night), there's a pretty good chance you just ain't getting a cab.

To remedy this, I've tried to develop relationships with cab drivers here. They get a little pissed when you ask them to drive to La Jolla from downtown at 2am on a weekend. This is because they won't get back downtown until 3am or so, at which point there are far fewer fares for them. So, I pretty much excessively overtip the driver, and I now have the cell phone numbers of a couple of drivers, so I can bypass the "hold time" and just speak with the driver directly. Now, when I need a cab, I'll call one of these guys, they're usually happy to come get me, and more importantly, they know where I live. The added convenience and reliability is well worth the extra $10 or so I give them above a "normal" tip. Though I feel very Cyrus-like when I do this. Not modern-day Cyrus. Maybe Cyrus circa-1998.

On my last trip to SF, I left my cell phone in the cab when I was dropped off at the airport. Had it been some random cab, I'm pretty sure I would never have seen the phone again. But this was one of "my guys," a fella by the name of Luufti. So I called the phone and Luufti answered it. He apologized that he could not bring the phone back to me before my flight left, as he had picked up a fare at the airport and was headed to Mexico, but said he would hang on to the phone and return it to me when I got back. So, Sunday rolls around, and I call his cell phone, and leave a message. I give him my flight information, and tell him I'll be needing a ride home from the airport, and ask if he can pick me up.

When I arrive at the airport, I walk outside to spot a landmark, so I can call and tell Luufti where he can pick me up. At this point, I don't even know if the dude will show up, and if I've wasted about $50 in overtips. But as I'm getting my bearings, one of the slow moving cabs starts honking its horn, and its my guy. So, I get into the cab, recollect my phone, and we're off. Dude tells me he doesn't have a license to make pickups at the airport, so he's been circling the airport looking for me outside. Pretty cool. (But how did he get the Mexico fare?)

So, that was a good cab experience. But they are not all good experiences. So, enough of this Reader's Digest, "triumph of the human-cabbie spirit" BS. Let's talk cab drivers. In fact, let's talk stereotypes and cab drivers. Note that this is a nonexhaustive list - and I know I am missing a few.

1. The guy who intentionally takes the slowest route. This might be the "main" route, but that doesn't make it right. This is the jackass that will take Van Ness at 5:30pm, when everyone knows Franklin, Gough, or a number of other choices would be much faster. As a cab driver, I'm sure he knows this. It is his job to know. Which leads us to...

2. The guy who gets all pissed off if you question his route. There are a couple of ways you can do this. One way might be to ask "do you think there might be less traffic on Battery, instead of going down Columbus and through Chinatown?" Another way, which I will refer to as the BRD Method, is to ask "are you intentionally taking the slowest route? I mean, are you trying to take as long as possible to get to the destination?" Either way, the response is generally unfavorable. The guy I hate even more, though, is...

3. The guy who kicks you out of his cab because you are farting up a storm in the back seat. Man is that an inconvenience. And its like he immediately calls all his friends, or otherwise somehow flags you as the farting guy. Impossible to get a cab after that.

4. Then there is the guy who doesn't speak. This is a little creepy. They just look at you when you get into the cab, and don't say anything the entire time. When the trip is over, they'll usually tell you the fare, but that is the extent of communications. Just a little awkward all around.

5. There is also the guy who has five kids to feed who ends up being a spy for Cohaagen and trying to run you over in a Martian drilling machine. Pretty much the only way to deal with this guy is to grab a handheld drilling device, disable his drilling machine, and then to drill a hole through the machine's door and through the driver himself. The driver might have a mutant limb, but don't let that fool you, he is working for the other side. Certainly don't try the overtipping thing with him - you'll be wasting your money.

6. There's also the guy who is on his cell phone the whole time. It could be that he is talking to some of his overtipping regular passengers, and arranging to pick them up later in the day. However, I think this is unlikely, because the cabbie's cell phone conversations are always in a language I can't even begin to comprehend. I mean, I can speak some Spanish and some English but I can't pick any words out of these conversations. I am pretty sure they're speaking the Greedo language. They're probably talking about driving the La Jolla jackass in the back seat out to a shallow hole in the desert.

7. Then there is the "female" driver. "Female" is probably best defined here as "not male." I don't mind having this chick drive me around, I was just expecting that it would be in an 18 wheeler, not a cab, and I am sure as shootin' not going to arm wrestle this broad.

A DVD No One Wants to See

2007-04-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

Took in the Killers concert this weekend. I'd say it was a pretty good show, except for the performance of Mr. Brightside, which was outstanding. I agree with and generally abide by a lot of Douglas Coughlin's laws (of Cocktail fame, see picture at right). The one I probably follow most faithfully, intentionally or not, is "never show surprise, never lose your cool." Couldn't really resist on this song - I was jumping and waving my arms and singing along with the rest of the idiots at the auditorium. And it was awesome. If someone produced a DVD of the highlights or best times of my life, I am pretty sure those 4 minutes would be on it. Which of course leads me to wonder what else would be on that DVD. Pretty sure I won't be able to come up with all of it right now. It's not like I can rely on standard answers like wedding day or birth of my child, since those don't really apply.

Here are some items that would probably appear in the highlight DVD of my life. They are in no particular order, and I'm sure one could work on a list like this indefinitely:

1. The Killers, Mr. Brightside, live in SF, 4/7/07
2. Pearl Jam, Yellow Ledbetter live in SD, 7/7/06
3. Naked swimming in Pacific Ocean "after hours" (various dates).
4. 1993 Big Game - Cal 46, Stanford 17, and the postgame celebration on Stanford's field. Chanting "Donuts" at the cops guarding the goalpost we didn't take down. There is also excellent footage at the end of the televised broadcast of me, Beck and about 20 other students running across the field with the goalpost we did take down.
5. 1993 Cal v. Oregon. We arrive at the stadium in the first half (there was a "shot break" at Alpha Phi on the way to the stadium) with Cal trailing 30-0. Cal storms back in the second half and wins, 42-41 on a 2-point fade pass to Mike Caldwell, the consummate college WR (white receiver). Excellent televised footage exists of our group dogpiling in the stands following the conversion.
6. 6th grade: won the Palo Verde Unified School District spelling bee. It was a pretty sloppy victory - I think me and the girl I was up against each missed about 6 words until I was able to string together two correct words to win the thing. Lost at the county trying to spell "psychology." I can't believe I wasn't able to parlay this title into any action.
7. Great Gatsby party at Cal and pool at Raleigh's with Rusty the day after.
8. Winning a 2-person 18-hole scotch-ball tourney with my Dad (scotch ball = the team plays one ball, with the players alternating shots). I'd hit a big drive, not always in the fairway, and Dad would get us on or near the green every time. I'd miss the putt or chip, and he'd make the putt. Beat everyone by at least 6 strokes, including some teams that consisted of college players and pros. There was a nice write up of this in the local paper. Probably my best memory of my Dad.
9. 3-man weave up Fillmore.
10. 11th-grade, bus ride back from watching the space shuttle landing. Sat with a chick I had a crush on and she slept on my shoulder - had a stiffie for most of the three-hour trip. (Keep in mind that I had won a spelling bee in 6th grade.) My first kiss occurred later that year with this girl, after junior prom. That moment does not make my list, as I was not fantastic.
11. First varsity basketball points. I got an offensive rebound off a free throw, and went up for a jump shot. The defender tried to block my shot, so I pulled the ball down and put up a scoop shot around the shotblocker's arm that found its way into the hoop. I thought I made a great basketball move (I had been nicknamed "White Chocolate" by some in my P.E. class and some on the basketball team for some of the flashy stuff that I would try. I was also the master of the behind-the-back pass, if by "master" you mean I often threw passes behind my back even when it was completely inappropriate to do so and often led to turnovers). However, the footage of the game, taken by the father of my best friend on the team, reveals otherwise. It looks like I jumped up, turned away from the basket, and threw the ball over my head with no idea where it was going. It went in, dammit.
12. Lots of stuff with Beth that I will not list here (some because it is personal and some because it is personal and this is a family blog).
13. Basketball in Blythe, a couple summers after I first went to college. Guy on the other team that could jump out of the gym gets the ball on a breakaway, with only me giving chase. He goes up for the slam, and I go up with him, and block the dunk. Clean block, no foul. People that were there still bring this up when I'm home and they see me.
14. Graduation Day at USC. Wanted to quit law school and tried to - I called my TA to tell him I wasn't going to turn in my paper, and that I was withdrawing from school. He never called me back, so I finished the paper and turned it in. Our graduation robes were bright red, which was painful being from Cal, but I also felt like a wizard, which was awesome.
15. Palo Verde High School golf team - shot a 3-under 33 on the front nine. Was +1 on the back nine, for an 18 hole score of 70, or -2.
16. Kiwanis golf tournament, senior year. Birdied the first two holes, and was at the top of the leaderboard of about 60 golfers. That lasted about zero more holes, as I hit two out off the next tee and proceeded to crash and burn to about a +8 on the side and a score in the 80's on the day.
17. Those Aren't Pillows / Hot Tub Justice performance in T and Carrie's backyard. Only sat in for one song, I Want It That Way, and since we hadn't really rehearsed and I'm not great to begin with we kind of sucked, but that was a lot of fun. I think the 15 or so people squeezed into the wading pool really enjoyed it.
18. Bowled a 275 in Blythe, while subbing for a league over a holiday, on the same lane with my Mom, brother and Dave.
19. Passing the bar. I wasn't sure I had passed, so I went back to my office to check results. Woody had brought a wireless modem to the Royal Exchange and I now wish I had checked the results with it in front of everyone. As soon as I saw I had passed, I printed out the screen so they couldn't take it away from me.
20. Patriots win their first Super Bowl on a last second kick by Adam Vinatieri. Part of me wishes Vinatieri hadn't made so many last second kicks, because I am really tired of hearing him referred to as "the greatest clutch kicker in NFL history." But the Pats were 2 TD underdogs, we watched the game at BRD's house with a bunch of friends and Caution tape, and I had money down on the game.

21. Hanging (pun intended?) in a Vegas casino in my boxer shorts, with Woody wearing a toga, waiting for the pool to open in the morning so we could go swimming before going to sleep. Of course, this was one of the famous "Mickey" trips, so there are a lot of bad memories to go with that good one. Another good part about that trip is how I only had $40 to my name when I got there, and was down to my last $5 at O'Shea's before winning 14 hands in a row at blackjack, with me pressing my bet after every win and a fair number of the wins being double-downs and blackjacks. I pushed on the final hand, with a blackjack, which is the reason I always take "even money" in blackjack even though you are not supposed to.

22. First gambling trip when I was of legal age. Went to Laughlin for the weekend. I walked away ahead at every table I played on the entire weekend. Generally would sit with $40 and leave if I lost a hand after the pile had grown to $100. Won about $800 that weekend. I felt kind of bad, because my buddy Tyler kept playing with me and losing - I think I had about $300 of his money, and he was in college and gambling with a fake ID. I bought him beers but he still couldn't afford the loss at the time.

Three Women! Two Roses! Coming Up on the Most Exciting Blog Entry Yet...

2007-04-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sure Kark Hungus over at www.b-logjammin.blogspot.com will take me to task for this post. Heck, I don't even like this post. But what is done is done.

Back in the Bronze Age, I was pretty handy with the ladies. I am not exactly on what I'd call a hot streak right now, but in college, and again in SF post grad school and girlfriend, I did a little damage here and there. The back-to-back Bear's Lair Challenge comes to mind (Rusty my friend, you were a worthy adversary. I think you think you won, but I will go to my grave claiming the final score was 21-20 in my favor. In fact, I am having that engraved on my tombstone. I hope there will be enough room next to the first inscription I'm putting on there, which is "You Should See The Other Guy"). There is also the time when LRD and I pulled about 6 chicks from City Tavern to the Gold Club (and I will freely admit here that LRD did all the heavy lifting on that one). And the "Lights Come On, Chicks Go Home" party we had during a blackout at Cal. I would rather not discuss that one, but I can tell you that yes, indeed, one's judgment is impaired when one is hopped up on room temperature Rainer Red.

Anyhow, a theme that used to come up from time to time was what I'm going to refer to as the "JW theory" (not sure why I am not using my own last name, as this blog is not exactly anonymous). The JW theory is a bit of a misnomer. The idea was that some chicks seemed to like me, and some to the point of craziness (see, e.g. Boom-Boom), but anyone who took the time to think about it couldn't come up with a concrete reason why chicks might get that way. I mean, even I will admit that at times I have no real value-added qualities. So the JW theory was really more of an observation: this dude is moody, usually complaining about something, is pretty oblivious and/or inconsiderate, and there really isn't all that much that is appealing about him, at least from a personality standpoint. So, why do chicks seem to take an interest in this one? Heck, even in Sacramento I did a fair amount of hooking up purely by accident.

Some chicks took a stab at explaining the JW theory. One recurrent theme was that JW needed to be taken care of, or he would wander in front of a bus - sort of a "wounded animal" thing, possibly like Mitch Martin being re-released out into the wild. However, I don't think that's it. I have my own theory. And it's not that I am an especially good kisser or anything, though I am often told that I am (thanks Mom). I think the following might be another reason.

There are some things I know that a lot of guys don't know, or won't admit to knowing, that chicks care about. In Oakland, I worked in an law firm with 2 other guys, and about 10 women. The 2 other guys were partners in the firm, and I was a first-year associate, so we didn't exactly socialize. Which left me alone with 10 women in the conference room at times. And when women get together and there aren't enough dudes in the room, they talk about chick things. Things like a shoe sale at DSW. Different moisturizers. Sex in the City.

So, I learned that if I wanted to participate at all in these conversations, I'd need to be able to contribute something. I don't use moisturizer, and DSW rarely has any strappy shoes in my size. So I started watching Sex in the City. I think there was some intrinsic entertainment value to the show, but this was exceeded by the value of being able to drop Carrie references into conversations. In college, these shows were 90210 and Melrose Place. Sure, we used to get a bunch of booze and jello shots and what not and watch the shows, but we watched them. And we invited chicks over to drink and watch them. Our plan being to share the experience with the chicks, then hook up with them.

Why does this matter? Lately, I've been watching two shows that I would consider chick research shows. These shows are Grey's Anatomy and American Idol. Now, I actually enjoy certain episodes of Grey's Anatomy, and I have a bit of a thing for the blonde chick on that show. At its core, however, it is a crappy TV show, even if it is well-made crap. American Idol is a little tougher to watch by yourself. With another person its fine, and with a Tivo its fine. Thanks to the miracle of Tivo, you can catch the performances and judges' comments for an hour show in about 20 minutes. I have had several conversations in the clubs downtown that centered around American Idol. Might I have been able to steer the conversation somewhere else? Maybe. But I knew something about American Idol, and that kept me in the game. You have to keep in mind that I am not running into rocket surgeons and brain scientists around here as often as I'd like to.

The problem I've really got is this: between Grey's, Idol, the Office, PTI and Hotel Erotica, I don't have much more mental or digital capacity for TV shows. My Tivo can't record much more, as I'm currently sitting on HD versions of Apocolypse Now Redux, Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Walk the Line, and Cinderella Man. Finally freed up some space by watching the Arrested Development finale, but not enough. So, I'm stretched about as thinly as I can be, and then ABC goes and starts a new season of the Bachelor. I don't know how I'm going to keep track of that one. But ever since I was walking home in SF one night and heard a group of drunk girls across the street talking about how great Ryan is, how he's sensitive and writes poetry and crap, and he really, really, really loves Trista, and how there aren't really guys like that, I knew that chicks cared about this show. And therefore, I should care about this show. Or at least know about it.

Softball with the Crazy Christians

2007-04-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

I saw my neighbor in Blythe over Thanksgiving 2006. He and I went to high school together, and I found out he now lives in San Diego. I ended up going to his wedding, and I've seen he and his new wife about every two months since then. They are turning out to be good Sunday night sushi dinner partners.

I don't know a lot of the history, but my friend apparently fell in with the wrong crowd a few years ago and got into some trouble. He's now straightened his life out and has found religion - he's a "God guy" as I sometimes say. Not aggressively so, however; he'll speak to you about it if you want to, but doesn't volunteer anything or press you to discuss your beliefs. He's pretty much the same guy he was, but doesn't use alcohol anymore. He met his wife through the church as I understand it. She will have a cocktail on occasion.

So, these two asked if I wanted to play in a softball league with them. I just quit the law firm softball team - a lot of strong personalities, and the game was no longer fun. You've got a bunch of marginal athletes that think they are a lot better than they are, which is bad enough, but it gets to be too much when these people are trying to give you pointers. Let's see... I hit about .650 last year and hit a hard line drive in most of my at bats. Do you really think I should be thinking about not dropping my shoulder when I swing (whatever that means)? And you, Mr. Left Center Fielder, at least one if not two balls are hit over your head for homers each game. Do you really think you ought to be trying to position me in left field? For awhile I tried my patented "ignore the problem and it will go away" approach (which, incidentally, is also the approach I use when breaking up with a girl) but things just got too annoying and I quit playing.

This new league is a church league, though this was unbeknownst to me at the time I agreed to play. I guess I believe in God (though God might disagree if he reads this blog and sees how I worded that) so I don't feel completely out of place there, but it is a little odd. Most of the players seem to know each other already. Here are the differences between Christian softball and regular softball, as I see them after one game:

1. The quality of play here is lower, with a surprising number of people playing in jeans. I guess that makes sense - a church league would likely have a smaller pool of potential players than, say, a lawyer league, biotech league, or a league of chicks I hooked up with and never called.

2. The home team has the privilege of leading the pregame prayer.

3. I think there is a high percentage of "born again" Christians in the league - there are more tattoos than in the general population (of humans, not prisoners). A friend of mine thinks I should be trying to meet chicks in this league, because, he says, most religious chicks have a dark past and can be easily led astray. He's kidding, I think.

4. There aren't a bunch of hot single chicks on my team. Not that I was expecting there to be, but there are not. Near as I can tell, the girls are either married or are dating someone else on the team, and look just like regular girls. This is, sadly, not a Christian single supermodel league.

5. The team names are, perhaps not surprisingly, religion-based. So far, I am aware of teams called The Rock, Transformed, and The Journey. We are The Rock V. I am a little disturbed by that, because everyone knows Rocky V was the worst of the Rocky movies, and I fear (and suspect) we may be the worst of The Rock teams.

One other thing I found interesting. One of our more athletcially challenged females was down to her last pitch after having swung and missed twice. She stepped out of the batter's box and said "help me here, Lord" or something to that effect. She then proceeded to line the next pitch into right field for a solid single. Does this mean that the Lord liked her, or our team, more than the other team? Perhaps not - we ended up losing the game. Perhaps it was in the Lord's plan to allow her that personal victory, while not changing the outcome of the game. Or maybe a softball game isn't all that important to the Lord. Who knows? Mysterious ways and such.

Incidentally, we lost because one of our girls didn't understand the rules and ran to home plate to score, rather than to the carpet near home plate (the league has the "no contact" at home plate rule). The guy running behind her would have easily scored the winning run, but she was called out for touching home plate, which was our third out of the inning and last out of the game.

Will I continue in this league? They do play on Saturday afternoons, which is kind of a haze, but I'll stick with it for a little while at least.

Online Dating and the Missing Sox

2007-03-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

Three more "winks" for my profile. I am now showing 12 profile views, 6 winks, and 2 e-mails. So, that is at least a 50% contact ratio. As my friend Borat might say, "Success! You are #4 prostitute in San Diego!" One is a 26-year old chick from Santa Clara (?), one is a local 33-year old MILF, and the other is a 29-year old girl who, from her profile and photo, appears to be a cute girl that I would actually go out with. Except we all know that people who participate in online dating are weirdos and losers.

Personally, I thought my profile was too lengthy, but it apparently is getting the job done. What is it about the profile that is working? Possibly these elements:

1. My profile states that I, like the guys down at the Gas 'n Sip, am single by choice. I think a reference to "Say Anything" is probably pretty money.

2. My profile states that I can fix things around the house and kill insects, but can also be talked into going to see a chick flick without too much whining on my part. I don't go to many movies, but I am pretty much entertained by anything, even if I am being entertained by the crappiness of the film. I went and saw Legally Blonde 2 with a chick, then we bagged on the movie the rest of the night until we went back to her place. No skin off my nose. Plus there was some inappropriate touching in the theater. I really should apologize for that - he was a 9-year old. My bad, it was dark.

3. My profile states that I would rather lay around in bed on a Sunday morning with a chick than get up and watch football. This is generally true, even though the Patriots play on Sunday mornings. I don't have DirecTV and can't get the NFL package, and the Pats are rarely on the network stations here in San Diego. Plus, I have Tivo if they are on.

Are these things true? Pretty much. As far as you (or they) know.

Back to #3, even when the Pats are on (or any team that I like), I don't feel that compelled to watch them if there aren't other people around. I would probably rather watch, say, UC Davis football with LRD, who will be really into the game, than watch a Cal game by myself. For me, football and sports in general are more about sharing the experience with others who are into it. I took my brother to Pittsburgh to see the Pats and Steelers play, in the third game of the season after the Pats beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I liked being at the game, but the best part was seeing how excited my brother was to be there, and to walk around the city wearing his authentic game jersey. (The second best part was having relations after the Pats won, with a girl wearing a Hines Ward jersey, while I was wearing a Tom Brady jersey.)

I also think being a Cal and a Red Sox fan during the dark times has conditioned me not to love my teams too much. I think it was in the movie "Bronx Tale" where the Sonny character is telling the C character not to care about the Yankees, because none of the Yankees players give a crap about C. I think that's true. Put another way, as noted in the chick flick "Fever Pitch" (see #2 above), the Red Sox have never loved me back. Cal hasn't really loved me back either, I guess, unless you count letters asking me to donate to the school, or Sean Lampley threatening to kick my ass, as love (to be fair to Sean, I was two rows behind him at a football game, chanting "N.I.T.! N.I.T.!" immediately before said threatened ass-kicking).

So, I am a fan but not a huge, crazy fan. When the Sox won the World Series in 2004, a lot of people called to congratulate me. I wasn't all that excited about it. It was nice, but it is getting harder and harder to like the Red Sox. They are now pretty much the Yankees. I could root for them when there was a perceived difference between the teams, but they are basically the same now. So, I can root for them to beat the Yankees, but feel bad about rooting for them to beat other teams when they have such a financial advantage. I didn't love the JD Drew signing, not because he is a bad player, but because they bought him. Would much rather see homegrown talent out on the field. Matsuzaka is intriguing, but purchased. Papelbon was drafted. Would have liked to see him in the rotation this year. So, I can like Ortiz (initally signed for little money, as a player the Twins gave up on), Papelbon, Pedroia, Youkilis (though I don't), Crisp (not a top money guy, and we got him pretty young, but he is turning out to be a bust), Varitek (don't really like him either, but thanks, Seattle, for him and Derek Lowe. How's Heathchliff Slocumb working out for ya?). But, overall, a lot of hired guns on that team. It's not really a team. It's players.

A Sensitive Subject

2007-03-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

Lately, I am seeing a massive increase (no pun intended) in the amount of spam I receive that advertises penis enlargement (well, pen1s enlargement, actually). Which leads me to wonder which one of my exes has a big mouth. Though I suppose someone in dire need of pen1s enlargement would say they all do.

Flash Gordon Haiku

2007-03-29T00:31:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Jim Rome this morning, and he was discussing the conviction and sentencing of former MLB player Ugueth Urbina for apparently capturing a group of men on his property, dousing them with gas and threatening to kill them with a machete. A friend of mine, that I used to partner up with for fantasy baseball, also e-mailed me to note that I might not want to draft UUU this year (maybe drafting him isn't such a bad idea though - would, say, Rick Vaughn's stats from the California penal league have counted in fantasy?). I digress, however, as I am wont to do. One of Rome's listeners e-mailed a haiku regarding the UUU situation. As I remember it, it went as follows:

Hey, who are those guys?
Get the machete and gas.
Don't swim here again.

This reminded me of a haiku phase I went through. I posted a few haikus to a movie web site (it was www.countingdown.com, not sure if it still exists) when Star Wars Episode I was coming out. I think I submitted something like the following:

Phantom Menace? Bah!
The real countdown is to when
Portman turns 18.

I don't think it won any awards. This further reminds me, however, of a Flash Gordon (the excellent film starring Max von Sydow as Ming the Merciless) haiku contest I had with my friends over e-mail. Granted, this was not as exciting as the game of hearts we played over e-mail, but pretty riveting stuff nonetheless. I submitted the following haiku, which I think should have won (Weaver was the winner, though I don't remember what he wrote at all):

Voice: "Halt, lizardman!
Escape is Impossible."
Look! A fried lizard.

In completely unrelated news, I posted an online dating profile. At this point, it is only words, maybe more of a thought experiment than anything else, but I took some time and tried to write something thoughtful and clever. Perhaps I will post it here. But I don't intend to contact anyone, as that would require (i) subscribing, and (ii) effort, but I am curious to see how many hits I receive. I doubt I will follow through and post a picture, though I understand this would considerably increase my odds of receiving responses. For purposes of this experiment, a "wink" (which I guess is an invitation to send an e-mail to that person) or an e-mail are being considered responses.

What are the results? After 24 hours, my profile has three winks and two e-mails. However, my profile indicates that it has been viewed only one time, so there might be something fishy going on here. I can't read the e-mails without subscribing, but the winks all appear to be from real people. Ages 26, 35 and 37. Looks like one of them is a single mom from San Diego (odd, I recall my profile as saying I would not date someone with kids). The others are from San Diego and L.A. Based on what I see, I don't think I would go out with any of them. I guess I am a little spoiled - I haven't gone on a lot of dates recently, but the dates I've been on were with very attractive girls. I don't think I would put any of the three winkers in that category - I'd say they are probably average looking.

There are probably a lot of reasons I got the responses I did. First, without my picture also posted, there is no baseline upon which to judge whether we match up, attractiveness-wise. Second, the girls I would want to go out with will generally be getting plenty of offers and probably won't be on a dating site (hard to explain away Y-man's wife this way though - maybe she was just really busy and didn't have time to meet someone in the traditional ways. Not that I would want to go out with Y-man's wife. Or that I would admit as much, in any regard). Third, who's really going to take the time to read a profile without a picture? Wouldn't you assume a person that isn't posting a picture is hiding something? So, I guess the fact that I have from 3-5 responses is a testament to my writing skill if nothing else. I'm not sure why I won't post a picture. I guess I am embarassed in general that someone I know will see it on the site (and in particular that an ex would see it). I probably also don't want to admit that I would need to do online dating - I still believe that, if I feel like it, I can pretty much go out and meet someone suitable to go on a date with any time I want. The problem is, I "feel like it" less and less often when I go out. Perhaps it is time to change that.

The Language of FreeCell

2007-03-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

First, the language.

I think I am going to clean up my rants. As much as everyone likes a good f-bomb, I'm not sure I need that here. Planes, Trains & Automobiles is a family movie. Shouldn't my blog be a family site? Maybe it doesn't matter, since I currently have a readership of approximately two. I have considered adding a page view counter to this site, but I think that might be depressing.

Now, the FreeCell:

I have owned my computer for about two and a half years, and in that time I have played approximately 1100 games of FreeCell. I usually play when I am putting together music playlists or CDs, and seeing how songs "fit" together. Been playing a lot lately, as I am behind on the 2006 Wine & Crab Mix. Also put in some good FreeCell time when creating music for the Wood Dog's Bachelor Party, the Beck / Mercer Double Island Olympics, and the LRD Bachelor Party (which, incidentally, was never used or even heard, as certain members of the RD family did not bring their iPod adapters to the party). Speaking of iPods, I'm not sure how I ever traveled anywhere without one. But that can be explored another time.

My FreeCell statistics:

Success Rate: 76%
Longest winning streak: 26
Longest losing streak: 5

Fantasy Team Names

2007-03-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

I play fantasy sports (in related news, I am 34 and single). Generally only one team at a time, and generally only football and baseball. Started on a site called Sandbox in the late 90's, and to this day I thank Sandbox for all the spam I get in my primary email account, addressed to KARL HUNGUS. Apparently, someone out there thinks KARL HUNGUS needs to refinance, needs to be offered varying rates of interest from 3% to 7%, and needs to be made these offers approximately 15 times per day. Because if KARL HUNGUS didn't click on the first 14, well, I'm sure he meant to and didn't get around to it, so you better send the 15th offer. But I will save my spam rant for another day. This post is about fantasy team names.

I always enjoy playing in a league more if the team names are clever. I have played in my brother's football league, and the teams there are named things like "Go Broncoz," "Bears in 2006," and "DA BANGERS." All the originality of, I don't know, starting a blog. I've for some time considered compiling a list of the best fantasy team names I've used or seen over the years. To mis-quote the 1998* Montreal Expos: "Porque no nostotros? Porque no ahora?" (*note that I know it was the Expos that used this slogan, but don't know the year though I do know it was near the strike, maybe the year after. If only there were some source of information that were easily searchable, I could find out the year. If only...)

So here are what are in my opinion some good fantasy team names. Some are my originals, some are not, and I will add to this list. Or I won't.

Baseball:

Jim Abbott's Right Hand Men
Men Without Bats
Operation Shutdown
Nine Jerks and a Squirt
Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin'
Liquor-Fueled Lesbian Rampage
The Boys of Febtober
Brak's Tales of Suspense
Attack of the Colons
Masterbatters

Football:

Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
Ron Mexico and the Simplex 7
If I Drafted This Team, Here's How It Happened
Jell-O Fever
Hanford R2 Units
These Are The Jokes (this was a football team, and was included because my baseball league is now called this. However, I quit playing in that league. And will quit again after this season.)

In my football league, I have a semi-established tradition of changing my team name each week to mock the other team. A couple names on this list are examples of that tradition. They probably won't be funny to any casual internet droppers-by. That, however, is only a problem for the casual internet droppers-by.

As a note to myself, maybe the next post should be about good porn movie names based on real movies. Always a fun one, but I don't seem to be as good at this as I once was. We'll see what happens.

Guys in Black Shirts

2007-03-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, I often am an easygoing guy. However, there is something that pisses me off - it happened again today, and happens a few times each month. That "something" is when a person prevents the elevator doors from closing, holding up everyone on the elevator so they can board it. There are three elevators that serve one side of the building (seven floors) and four elevators that serve the other side (ten floors). But it's not that these bastards can't be bothered to wait for the next elevator (though these are also likely the jackasses that hold train doors open) that really gets my goat, however. It is the fact that, invariably, the person says "sorry" when they do it. Sorry? You're really sorry? Doesn't that imply that the act was accidental? You knew damn well when you stuck your arm between the closing elevator doors what was going to happen. It was an intentional act, and now you're sorry for it? I think not. What if I punch you in the face when you get on the elevator, and say "sorry"? That's something I meant to do also. I don't know that "sorry" makes it right. I'd prefer if you said "F-You" when you do this, because I can at least respect that, and isn't that what you were thinking in the first place? "I'm so important I have to get onto *this* elevator, and to hell with anyone that might already be on it. F-Them." I'm not sorry I didn't hold the doors open, I'm not sorry I was frantically pounding on the "close door" button as you approached the elevator, so don't be sorry when you defeat my efforts and make it onto the elevator. Tell me "F-You" because that's what I'm thinking when you get on (usually accompanied by an extended middle finger, be it via forehead scratch, or under my folded arms). EAD.

Not sure how I'm going to work this into my comedy routine. Currently, I am part of a nonexistent comedy duo called Guys in Black Shirts, who "performed" one night at the Seattle Comedy Underground to a mostly empty house, after hours and full of booze. The unfortunate part there was the fact that we took the stage without any prepared material. Since then, I've thought a bit about my material. Given another opportunity, I would try a few things. For instance, I've got an idea for a bit that plays off the TV Poker craze, and how the odds of winning the hand are displayed in the bottom left of the screen. The bit consists of how great it would be if the odds of success were displayed in the bottom left of your vision for everyday actions. So, I would start off with the example of getting laid. Walk over to a girl sitting in the front row. Say something like right now, just standing here, the Adonis that I am, I have an 85% chance of having sex with you tonight. Wait for audience response. Remark that, after looking at the guy she's with, the odds are up to 97%. Drop a line, "what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?" Check the odds - 60%, uh oh. "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first" - 25%, dammit! Time to walk away. Then address the audience - "now, wouldn't that be useful? I didn't waste any money buying drinks for some broad when she probably wasn't going to sleep with me. There are lots of situations that this would be useful in. For instance, had I checked the odds of this routine being funny, I'd have seen the 2% at the bottom of the screen, and just moved on."

Additional material - use the psychiatrist jokes, pretending that you're the patient, with mental problems. "I went to see my shrink, and I was wearing only cellophane shorts. The doctor says to me 'I can clearly see your nuts.' Went back to the doctor, when I thought I was invisible. The doctor told me he couldn't see me right then." Well, you get the point.

Then, transition to the fact that you don't have mental problems, but you actually do have an embarassing problem. Excessive flatulence. I mean, its a really bad problem. If I were a boxer, I'd be Gaseous Clay. If I were president, I'd be Abraham Stinkin'. If I were a video game console in the late 1970's, I'd be Insmellavision. If I were in a boy band, we'd be N'Stink. Actually, there might not be a lot of mileage here. I'll need to consider it further.

Bienvenidos a mi mundo. Sorry. Or, if you prefer, F-You.