We Don't Live Here Anymore

This place is dead anyways.

This place isn't.

The Musical Fruit

I have been going to the gym again. Last night I decided I would just set my iPod to "Shuffle Songs" and let it go - no fast forwarding, no skipping songs, just listening to every song that was randomly chosen. Here is the (terrifying) list:

Public Enemy "Can't Truss It"
Spice Girls "Wannabe"
Bud Light Presents Real American Heroes "Mr. Inspirational Poster Writer"
Rogue Wave "California"
Movie Soundtrack "Theme from Fargo"
Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"
T-Pain "I'm In Love With a Stripper"
Simon & Garfunkel "The Boxer"
Pat McGee Band "Walking in Memphis"
Dave Matthews Band "The Space Between Us"
Radiohead "Street Spirit"
Destiny's Child "Bootylicious"
Beethoven "Symphony No. 9"
Kid Rock "So Hot!"
TV Theme Song "The A Team"
Def Leppard "Armageddon It"
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony "Crossroads"
Shania Twain "Man! I Feel Like a Woman"
Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten"
REM "Man on the Moon"
Akon featuring Snoop Dogg "I Wanna F*ck You"
Van Halen "Love Walks In"
Third Eye Blind "Jumper (Acoustic)"
Jane's Addiction "Jane Says"

Not exactly the soundtrack to "Pumping Iron" but maybe the soundtrack to "Pumping 10-Year Old Malaysian Boys." I think fitness expert and noted heterosexual Richard Simmons says it best:


I guess some of those songs aren't tragic. But a lot of them are. When the hell did a gay man hijack my iPod??? At least no Cher or Celine Dion was played. I am not saying there never is, I am just saying there wasn't any this time. But its not like you jackals don't have some embarassing sh!t on your iPods. Right?

Me needs to make some playlists ASAP.

Super Bowl XLII: A Photo Essay

So... I headed on over to Arizona for Super Bowl XLII, between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. I know everyone hates the Patriots and wanted them to lose, but they are my favorite sports team and I took the loss pretty hard. Forgetting for a moment any illegal videotaping activities (my own at my place of employment, as well as the Patriots' filming of other teams' signals and/or practices), I feel like I can still root for the Pats and feel good about it because of the salary cap and the NFL draft - unlike baseball, the Pats can't just outspend other teams, or draft players other teams can't draft because they can't meet the player's salary demands, in order to field a superior team. It just feels more "fair," no matter what you think about coach Bill Betamax (my original joke - I just made that up).

I took a few pictures while I was there. I took these pictures with my cell phone, and my cell phone doesn't have a flash, so most of the pictures didn't turn out so good. Not that bad pictures should be surprising, I am the guy who traveled to Italy and used a cell phone camera while I was there to chronicle my trip. I did this because I am an idiot. At least the current camera has a resolution of more than one megapixel. My brother had a "real" digital camera with him, but he has yet to share the photos with me. For instance, Glendale, where the stadium is, is way in the hell out in the middle of nowhere, about 35 minutes from Phoenix. As we were cabbing out to the stadium on Sunday, we had to pull to the side to make way for the Giants' motorcade - two buses with obviously huge dudes on them, surrounded by about eight police motorcycles. My brother got photos of this (they were on his side of the cab), I did not. It was the first of many times I got choked up this day, as going to the Super Bowl was a really big deal for me. Maybe seeing the Giants bus was a bad omen. In any event, let's get to the photos:

Here are a couple of shots of the Miller Lite pregame party. There is a mall complex across the street from the stadium, with about 8 bars, 4 restaurants, and some sports clothes-type stores. The entire area was closed off and there were several beer vendors in the middle of the mall area. There are a lot more people there than it seems from the photos - you could move around the outside (where I was taking the pictures) but not the inside, and the beer lines were 25 minutes long. I've read that the fan mix at the game was about 50/50, but I would have put it at 65/35 Pats. Before we headed over to this party, we drank quarts of beer in the parking lot of the stadium. Just being there really did give me chills - for the most part it was worth the exorbitant price of admission.

(Incidentally, this was the only "official" Super Bowl party we went to... I had a friend who knows people working on getting us into the Maxim, EA Sports and NFL Players parties, but according to this friend there wasn't much he could do because I "can't really do any favors for any of these people." As they say, the Super Bowl has really been taken away from the fans.)

Allow me to introduce you to Bad Omen #2. This "flaggot" had on a Pats flag for a cape, a boa, and a gay-looking Pats sweater. It really was a sublime combination of arrogance and gayness. I did not speak with this man.

This is a picture of my brother at the pregame party. As you can see, he also likes the Pats. I wasn't quite this decked out - I had on a Ben Watson jersey underneath the gray hoodie Bill Betamax usually wears (I have not cut the sleeves out though - this is not an inexpensive hoodie). The hat he is wearing says something to the effect of "New England Patriots - Three Time Super Bowl Champs 2001, 2003, 2004." The bright side is that with the loss, my brother doesn't have to buy a new hat. (That is his joke, to give credit where credit is due.)

Here is the Super Bowl XLII "monument" inside the secured area around the stadium. There were a lot of street preachers telling people they would go to hell all weekend - maybe they were referring to the worship of false idols such as this one. As you can see, it was quite tall. We entered the stadium about an hour before kickoff, and the party that had been happening around this area was wrapping up so we just headed in to our seats.

Here are two somewhat attractive chicks who were sitting a few rows down from us. They had been working as promotions girls all weekend, and apparently were rewarded with tickets to the game. These girls were not the least bit interested in the game, and disppeared shortly after halftime - maybe they talked their way into a luxury box or something. As I think about it now, I should have gotten a shot of them with me or my brother, but I was shooting this picture in stealth mode. In any event, they both had big boobs.

This is a terrible photo of the halftime show. I was in the bathroom for the start of the show, but Tom Petty's band sounded really good. I was taken to a Petty concert in Walnut Creek by a couple of friends, and the band sounded way better this time. When I got back to my seat, the scene was pretty incredible - everyone had out these purple keychain lights they gave you. It was the best concert atmosphere I'd ever been in. Incidentally, the game was the best football atmosphere I'd ever been in - the energy before kickoff was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I usually am a Coughlin's law "never show surprise, never lose your cool" type of guy, but I was downright giddy to be there.

This is the Pats about to break the huddle on third and goal, late in the 4th quarter. The next play is the Brady to Moss TD pass. Our whole section went nuts when that happened - there was much high-fiving, crying and hugging to be done. Would have probably been the most fun day of my life had the game ended right there. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood to take any more pictures after this.

I haven't really watched any of the game since - I looked at the Tyree catch on Youtube (it was at the other end of the field so we couldn't see it well, even on the replay) as well as the Samuel missed INT (tougher play than it appeared in person), but I am a little embarassed to admit that I am still bothered by it a little bit. Being a fan of the Cal Bears and the Red Sox, I had gotten used to disappointment (regardless of the last few years - I don't like the Sox too much now that they are basically the Yankees), but I was invested emotionally, and I wasn't ready for this loss. Being a small town kid, I guess I never thought I'd go to a Super Bowl, and it was a bigger deal to me than I thought it would be.

What's In a Name?

Claire Standish: It's a family name.

John Bender: No... it's a fat girl's name.

-- The Breakfast Club, 1985

It seems like you can make assumptions about people based on their names. A guy named Poindexter is probably a dork. A guy named Blaine is probably rich, and an a-hole. A boy named Sue had a father who was a big Johnny Cash fan. A guy named Biff is probably a big dude. A guy named Samantha probably had a sex change operation. A girl named Sierra is probably a hippie, or a stripper. A girl named Dakota is definitely a stripper, and she lives about 8 blocks from my office. A girl named Jen, well, she could be anything. If you don't know a girl's name, you can't go wrong with Jen, and you'll be right about 25% of the time.

But, Mr. Bender up there has a point. Claire does sound like a fat girl's name. And if you were set up on a date with a girl named Ruth, you'd be less fired up than if you were set up on a date with a girl named Caitlin. Unless you are married, in which case I assume you would be fired up to be set up with anyone who is not your wife. Not that I have anything against the name Ruth, but that name sounds like you were set up with a 60-year old woman. In fact, a friend of mine (let's call him the Narcoleptic Jew) is married to a girl named Ruth. Perfectly lovely young woman, but you wouldn't guess that based on her name. Or maybe I just don't know what the f*ck I am talking about. Which means we are at Defcon 5 over here at TAP. Situation Normal.

Where is this leading? Where it always leads, it seems. I am going to post a list of the hottest chicks I can find who have names that don't sound hot.

The Hottest Elaine is... Elaine Daly!

Figure we'd lead off with a woman who shares the same name as my departed grandmother (or "Nana" as we called her). I am not saying my Nana was not a hot woman, but she really didn't hold much of a candle to the lovely Miss Daly. Elaine represented Malaysia in the 2004 Miss Universe pageant. Suprisingly, Elaine is 5'8". Surprising to me, anyway, since I figured the Malaysians were not a tall people. Then again, I only go to Malaysia for the 10-year old boys so what the hell do I know. You can catch Elaine on stage starring in Frogway the Musical. That is, if you can locate Frogway the Musical. Maybe try a dinner theater in Omaha. Note that the runner up here was Elaine Benes, who is (a) fictional and (b) not that hot. So there really is a dearth of hot Elaines out there. If you have a daughter and she is going to be hot, name her Elaine and there's a pretty good shot she'll be blogged about right here.

The Hottest Regina is... Regina Halmich!

Wow, this is tougher than I thought! There really aren't any hot Reginas out there, at least none that are reasonably well-known. There is a German Playmate named Regina Deutinger, but I can't find any pictures of her with clothes on and, as you know, this is a family blog with a focus on children (and especially 10-year old Malaysian boys). So I've chosen Regina Halmich, who is a former female boxer (she's a former boxer, not a former female) turned German TV personality. Regina went 54-1-1 as a boxer; however, she's 5'2" and 110lbs so I'm pretty sure she can't kick my ass. The runner up is marginally attractive American actress Regina Hall - she lost because I couldn't easily find pictures of her in her underwear.

The Hottest Claire is... Claire Forlani!

Finally, an attractive woman who you may actually have heard of makes the list! Claire hasn't been working all that much as of late, but she was in well-known films such as "Meet Joe Black" and "Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow." Currently she's in that stink bomb otherwise known as "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale." Not much to look at in the chestal region, though - here she's giving Keira "Dead Man's Chest" Knightley a run for her flat-chested money. Hell, she's got the chest of a 10-year old (Malaysian) boy. So come to think of it... hubba hubba!

The hottest Martha is... Martha MacIsaac!

Wait! She may look young, and play a high schooler in Superbad, but I assure you this girl is of legal ogling age. So put down the phone, no need to call the cops (not that you could count to 9-1-1 anyway). Besides, the FBI has been parked in a van across the street ever since the Miley Cyrus post (either that, or Cox cable's installation service has gotten even slower and more incompetent than when my cable was installed). So, no need to worry, law enforcement has the situation well in hand.

Now, I haven't seen Superbad so I don't know if this chick is actually hot. She looks kind of cute in the picture we have of her, but she is really nothing to write home or blog about. However, she does narrowly beat out Martha Julia. Martha Julia is known for playing a villainess on the Mexican soap opera Destillando Amor. Well, she would be known for that if she were actually "known." Though we all know we've been flipping through the channels, and had to go back to one we changed quickly because we saw a hot chick on that channel. And even before you get back to the channel with the hot chick, it registers with you that the channel was Telemundo or Univision. Anyway, click here to see what you're missing, and what Spanish Maxim is not missing. Mmmm, Spanish Maxim... Sexo! Soccer! Tiburones! Golpizas! Moda!

The hottest Ruth is... Ruth Martin!

My aunt is named Ruth Martin, but I am pleased not to be related to this woman right here. With apologies to my aunt and to Mrs. Narcoleptic Jew, Ruth Wilson appears to be the hottest Ruth on the 'net. She is a British chick, and she generally appears in British-type TV shows where the women carry umbrellas and wear corsets and drink tea and eat crumpets and otherwise do British crap. Ruth is also a "voice talent," meaning she and her handlers realize she probably isn't hot enough to get by on looks alone. According to her website, Ruth is a female actress in her 20s who is "Fresh, smiley and engaging." Her style is "Recognisable, cool, credible, natural, girl next door, warm, sexy, husky (light)." Now, I am no Thesaurus but it seems to me that a lot of those words have conflicting meanings. I mean, isn't husky the exact opposite of light? I know a few girls who are husky and who think they are light. You know what you call a girl who is husky and who thinks she is light? That's right, husky.

So, the moral of the story is that none of these chicks really knock my socks off. This lends credence to my theory that girls whose names don't sound "hot" are generally not hot. Most likely, hot chicks who would be famous enough to make it to the internet changed their names long ago to sound hotter and be noticed.

Hannah and Her Sisters

OK, I can't sit on the sidelines any longer. I was born to write. So I'm crossing the picket line, and going back to work before the Writer's Guild of America calls off the strike. That joke also demonstrates that my Plagiarist's Guild of America membership is still active - thanks for the material Wood Dog. Of course, my breaking ranks with the WGA is kind of like the time I swore I wouldn't date Ashley Judd. What I say may be true, but that doesn't mean the other side of the equation knows or cares.

Actually, I've filled December 2007 and the first part of 2008 with two primary activities: attempting to pile chicks (and sometimes succeeding, the over/under line has been set for 2008 at "7". Bet the over. Trust me on this one) and playing this video game. Come to think of it, anyone who plays that video game ain't getting laid anytime soon. What the captain meant to say was "bet the under."

After the Jenna 6 post, I was somewhat terrified to learn that the Jenna that had claimed the top spot in my poll now looks like this. You mean acting in porn movies can prematurely age a girl? Really? Who knew? I mean, besides anyone who's ever watched porn? When it comes to rating the hotness of chicks named Jenna, this was a miscalculation on the scale of the Bay of Pigs invasion. I fear I may have lost some credibility. Which puts me squarely in the negative on the credibility scale. A Credibility Gap, if you will.

How to redeem myself? Well, this post was inspired by the Jenna 6 post (getting inspiration from my own original material? I think that is a circular equation that would probably make my head explode if I thought about it for too long). This isn't really about "Hannah and Her Sisters," which was a Woody Allen film that I never saw. And it is not about someone named Hannah and her sisters, be they of the biological, religious, or Canadian variety. Rather, this is another ranking of the attractiveness of chicks, the common thread being that these are all named Hannah. See, in the Jenna 6 post, the chicks were all named Jenna, and in this one... well, you'll catch on soon enough. Like 15 seconds ago.

Oddly, it was more difficult to find reasonably well-known chicks named Hannah than it was to find Jennas. However, I persevered, as I one day aspire to be published in Maxim Online, or linked to by Hot Clicks. Who are we kidding? All I really want is for my site's weekly "hit" report to come back with a number other than zero. Anyhoo, here's the Hannahs:

7. Hannah Storm

I am vaguely familiar with Hannah Storm from her days with ESPN. I think she maybe works for NBC now, possibly as a sideline announcer for Sunday NBA games or something like that. I really don't know. What I do know is that, for a 45-year old chick, Hannah Storm is kind of hot. Not unbelievably hot, and probably not even "I hope my wife is that hot when she is 45" hot, but definitely hot for a cougar, if you were trolling for a cougar, say, in Del Mar last Saturday night at the bar at Il Fornaio at 1 a.m. But we wouldn't know anything about that around here.

6. Hanna Barbera (accepting the award on behalf of Hanna Barbera is Judy Jetson)

Did you know there is an entire website dedicated to Jetsons hentai? Hentai, for those of you who pretend not to know, is erotic cartoons, generally of the Japanese variety, often featuring bondage and oversized genitalia. So, hentai pretty much describes my sex life, except for the oversized genitalia, the Japanese, bondage, or actually having sex. And for the record, it does not take from November 27 to January 15 to build a Jetsons hentai site. I was finished days ago.

5. Hannah Montana

Hannah Montana, aka Miley Cyrus, is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, and proof that the no-talent gene is hereditary. Here are some interesting facts: Hannah was born November 23, 1992. "Achy Breaky Heart" hit the top of the country charts on May 30, 1992. So, it seems pretty clear that as ABH was picking up steam, Billy Ray boned some groupie of his, and now we've got Hannah to show for it. Hannah is now 15 years old, and like the rest of you I often dream about the day she turns 15 1/2 and gets her learner's permit, and she drives me over to Dave & Busters for some Skee Ball and inappropriate touching... wait a minute, she's only 15 you sick f*cks! I can't believe you dream about stuff like that! What's next for you, Jetsons hentai porn? I leave you now with some of my musical stylings:

(To the tune of "Achy Breaky Heart")

Please don't tell the cops
'bout this blog entry
I just don't think they'd understand.
'Cause if you tell the cops
'bout this blog entry
they might come and arrest this man.

4. Daryl Hannah

OK, this chick was smoking hot in the '80s and early '90s (e.g. "Splash," "Wall Street," "Memoirs of an Invisible Man") but the pinnacle of her career was probably her supporting role in the vastly underrated 1999 film "Speedway Junky." You see, SJ was produced by Miracle Entertainment, a company dedicated to producing quality motion pictures for worldwide distribution, and a company in which myself and several friends invested during something that was called the "Dot Com" era. Just have a look at the charts for this baby! And they said I was a fool for going long on this stock. Do me a favor and rent the movie, will you? And let me know when you're about to do it - when the stock moves $0.0001, I need to be ready to sell. This blog ain't paying for itself, you know.

3. Hannah Rory

Hannah is a 20-year old part time Playboy model (think Book of Lingerie and other Newsstand Specials, not an actual playmate). Why does she make the list? Well, for starters she is pretty cute. But there is more to like about Hannah on her Myspace page. For instance, she is single, she smokes and drinks, her occupation is "being fabulous," and if she laughs so hard she pees her pants it was a gooooood movie! She's got some hot Myspace friends, and she's also got some "casual" pics on her Myspace page, but you need to be a Myspace member to access those. And I know none of my readers have Myspace pages, because I have none readers. Not that I can blame them; hell, even I quit reading my page after my most recent hiatus. Why is this Hannah famous? Well, I think she's about to surpass the Myspace record for most times rejecting a Myspace friend request from someone named "Johnnie Cleveland" who is using my picture on his Myspace profile. I actually have some genius Myspace standup comedy that I'm honing for this year's Van Looney comedy showdown, but that is a story for another time. Like maybe my next post, which should go up sometime in January 2009.

2. Hannah Tan

Hannah Tan placed 3rd in the Miss Global Petite World Finals, but I have a feeling she places a little higher than that in the hearts of two people I know - let's combine their names and refer to them as "Slim Shay-D." Hannah T also does some singing and songwriting so she might actually be talented (but so does Paris Hilton, so Hannah T also might not). Besiders her boobies, I can't really think of anything else that is interesting about Hannah T, so unless you are infected with the flavivirus, it's time to move on.

1. Hannah Harper

Hannah is single-handedly proving that there are hot British chicks in this world. Not sure if you can tell from the photo, but Hannah is an adult film actress (also known in the vernacular as a "porn star") so if you want to see more of Hannah it is not difficult to do. Hannah is probably my favourite adult film actress, and I have seen more of Hannah in person. Turns out we were at this bachelor party in Los Angeles, and after a long day of typical bachelor party activities (eating chili peppers, drinking beer, racing around cones while dribbling a soccer ball, blowing up balloons) and also playing poker, we decided to head to an adult establishment downtown where the bachelor in question had won a 42" plasma TV the night before. He did so by getting a lapdance - everyone who got one that night was given a raffle ticket. Anyway, signs around this establishment indicated that Hannah was set to perform there later that night, and I got excited about this... here was my chance to see the flesh of one my idols in the flesh! As I was waiting, I noticed one of the dancers at this establishment walking around in a leather nurse's outfit, and thought she was pretty cute. Turns out that was my girl Hannah! Anyhow, you haven't lived until you've met a person you've only known from the movies, and given that person a $1 bill.

New Year's Resolution

I hereby resolve not to post to this blog in 2008. Or in December 2007, because I like to get off to an early start on things.

Strip Mining

One of the chicks I was dating (the chick in question being "Myspace Girl") broke up with me via e-mail. Regardless of the validity of her reasons (apparently not everyone likes The Shocker), when did it become ok to do that via e-mail? I remember one of those "funny" e-mails that was going around some time ago, a form break-up e-mail with a bunch of check boxes, but that was always a joke. Henceforth, she shall be known as "E-mail Dumper"...

Not that my patented break up methods are much better - I call them "Be An A-Hole Until They Break Up With You" and "Just Don't Call Them Anymore"...

One of life's simple pleasures is a weekend plane trip that straddles the beginning of a new month, because you get different in-flight magazines, and therefore different crossword puzzles, for the flight there and the flight home...

Sean Marks has been in the NBA for seven of the past nine years despite a lack of any discernable basketball skill. Including this year his career earnings will be about $5 million. I guess when you're talking about the end of an NBA bench, you're looking for someone who will practice hard and who people like. I remember Marks as being a pretty affable guy at Cal, and he somehow had the ability to play in a basketball game at Harmon, and then to get to Henry's before you did, even if you walked directly there from the arena...

Other Cal players of little note, and their career NBA earnings: Geno Carlisle ($66K), Sean Lampley ($1 million), Ed Gray ($2.5 million), Jamal Sampson ($3.1 million), Francisco Elson ($4.7 million), Michael "Yogi" Stewart ($25.2(!) million)...

An NBA "All-White" team would probably look something like this:

PG Steve Nash
SG Manu Ginoboli
SF Mike Miller
PF Dirk Nowitski
C Pau Gasol

There is only one American-born player on that list. I used to have an "All-Ugly" team in mind, but I haven't been following the Association for the past 10 years or so, so I don't really know who plays anymore. Dirk might still make that list though...

Among the many things in this world that piss me off, the "band pretending to be done with their show when they are obviously going to come back out and play the two hit songs they didn't play during the show, but they want to go backstage and listen to the crowd cheer for awhile and feed their egos" is moving toward the top of the list. I know you're going to play Sweet Caroline, and you know you're going to play Sweet Caroline, so just play it jackasses. On a related note, Def Leppard used to give their one-armed drummer incredibly long drum solos in the middle of the show. I thought it was just to be cool and showcase the drummer's talent, but later learned that the other band members would go backstage during these solos for coke and BJs...

One of the few disadvantages of living in SD is the fact that you are constantly carpet-bombed by advertisements for mortgage companies and refinancing. So, if rates were at historical lows two years ago, tell me again why it makes sense for me to refinance now? Apparently the secret is "lying." This was kind of explored in the book Freakonomics, where a seller's real estate agent was telling the buyer what a great deal he was getting because the market was about to take off. The agent then asked the buyer if he needed an agent to sell his current home. The buyer told the agent that he intended to sell that home by himself, and the agent told him he really needed the assistance of a broker because the market is in the tank...

So, with the E-mail Dumper over with, and with Two on the express train to Friendsville, it looks like I will be starting over. Where is there to turn? Go back online? Mixed feelings about that one. A friend of mine is currently banging a stripper, and she apparently has a stripper friend that my friend wants me to, well, bang. I've never banged a stripper, but it doesn't seem to be all that uncommon in SD. I mean, its not like you're dating them, is it? I'm told she isn't terribly bright, this potential bangee, so I don't imagine I'll end up going through with it. If I don't enjoy talking to them, I don't usually put any effort into banging them. Which is why SD is the wrong town for me, long-term...

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween, you jackals. Here's me in my costume. I'll give you three guesses as to who or what I'm supposed to be:

a) a homeless guy
b) a metrosexual homeless guy
c) an Australian tourist
d) coach Bill Belichick of the NFL's New England Patriots

(Bonus points if you understand the convoluted reference in choice "c")

The answer, of course, is "d" but it would be understandable if you guessed "b" (most SD girls did). The sweatshirt isn't the exact one Belichick wears, and he sometimes wears khakis instead of track pants, but I think you get the point. I tried to do the Belichick hair part but after a full day of fauxhawing my loaf was pretty uncooperative. Belichick never wears sunglasses, but these have a working digital "spy camera" attached to the side, so I thought it appropriate. Plus I had the added bonus of being able to wear sunglasses at night and indoors, and who doesn't love that? Overall, the costume was fun to have on, but violated the First Rule of Halloween Costumes: give chicks a reason to talk to you (or alternatively, wear something with some sex appeal).

I'm holding a toy camcorder in the photo that is actually a Transformers toy. The camera "transforms" into a handgun of some sort. The gun actually looks more like a camera than the camera does. But WTF is up with Transformers that don't turn into a robot at some point? Wasn't that the whole point of the Transformers? These are robots from outer space that take on the shapes of earth objects to disguise themselves. But aren't they all robots, and not just objects that change into other objects? So I feel kind of like an A-hole for contributing real American dollars to this cheapening of the Transformer brand.

All in all, this getup is quite comfortable, and I've taken to wearing it around the house like pajamas. Maybe that's why Bill wears it in the first place.

Old Man and Me

On my way to work Friday morning, I had stopped at a stop sign near my house and started into the intersection when I nearly got into an accident with a car traveling from my right to my left. That intersection is a 4 way stop, and the car in question blew right through his stop sign. Driver of the offending car was a dude, fairly old. Dude stops in the middle of the intersection, as do I, and I lean on my horn a bit. I point two of my fingers at my eyes, then point to the stop sign he ignored. Or maybe he thought STOP means Spin Tires On Pavement. Whatever the reason, I was trying to communicate that he should have used his eyes and looked at the stop sign. I think I was doing this in proper Scuba sign language, but who knows, maybe I was telling him to f*ck off. In any event, dude just flips me off, and continues to drive. So I follow him for a bit, then I have a couple of thoughts. First, I probably should be getting to work, so I don't know if I have time for a low-speed chase through the streets of La Jolla. Second, did I want to fight the guy when he finally stopped and got out of the car? I did, but I see now that this was a lose-lose proposition: either I could be the guy who beat up a 60-year old man, or I could be the guy who was beat up by a 60-year old man. So I let my quarry escape, and drove on to work. If I'd had a rock or other throwable object, I would have thrown it at his car though. I don't really get the "I'm completely in the wrong here but f*ck you anyway" response from dude. But maybe I should admire that?

And now, for some more of the deep thoughts that you all find so boring AND tedious at the same time...

It would not bother me at all if the show "Pardon the Interruption" (ESPN, afternoons) got rid of Tony Kornheiser completely. Tony doesn't make the "he's on my fantasy team" joke as often as he used to, but he is still pretty much a complete tool. I think he's even copying Madden with a "taking a bus to Monday Night Football" thing. Take a hint from the TV show that was based on his life and immediately cancelled, and dump the guy. They can't replace him with occasional guest Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe, however, because Bob is not capable of uttering a coherent sentence (though I do not know if the "words" come out the same way he sees them in his head). Dan LeBatard of the Miami Herald would be a fine choice to pair with Wilbon, however...

Speaking of PTI, there is a terrible show on before it called "Around the Horn" that consists of 4 talking heads yelling about the sports events of the day and taking ridiculous stands to be "controversial" and "interesting." That show is hosted by Anthony Reale (I know this because my Tivo of PTI picks up the last 30 seconds or so of this other piece of crap). Anthony Reale is also "Stat Boy" on PTI, which is a much lesser position. You'd think that after Reale became the host of the other show he'd quit his post as Stat Boy, yet he presses onward...

An immutable law of adult films and magazines: solo chicks are hotter than lesbian chicks are hotter than hetero chicks...

I have been drinking a lot of "protein drinks," and I don't mean the Castro or Hillcrest kinds. Rather, you dump a bunch of flavored protein powder into a glass of water and mix it up, the point being the have a lo-carb, high-protein diet. I wonder how it would turn out if you mix vodka, the low-carb alochol of choice, with the protein drink. One of the protein flavors is chocolate. A chocolate martini tastes good, but what about a chocolate "proteini"?

Danny Glover is a well-respected actor for no apparent reason. He is TERRIBLE in EVERYTHING. Grand Canyon, Predator 2, the Lethal Weapon series, Saw, and the 3,000 other movies he's been in. Yet he continues to find work, and he's won a bunch of acting awards, such as a Cable ACE award, Image award, MTV Movie Award, and an I Can't Believe It's Not An Oscar!! How has no one else (like casting agents, for instance) noticed his utter lack of talent?

Caught the first part of Talladega Nights the other night. Leslie Bibb, who plays Will Ferrell's wife, is one balls hot chick. Apparently she's done a fair amount of TV work but is just getting into movies. I imagine we'll be (the public, and sadly not the Royal We) hearing a bit more from Ms. Bibb...

If I were forced at gunpoint to make a list of four comedians that are like fingernails on the chalkboard of my soul, the list would look a lot like this: Chris Tucker, Jim Breuer, Ben Stiller, Martin Lawrence.

The Governator is on Fire

Now for a moment of levity amidst disaster, Arnold has been all over the TV regarding the California wildfires, and quite frankly he's crushing it. Here are some selected quotes from our Governor. They are much funnier if you read them in your best Schwarzenegger voice:

We had a unfortuante situation where we had three things come together: very dry areas, very hot weather, and a lot of wind. So this makes the perfect storm for fire.

We are getting continual updates and doing all we can to protect the lives and also the property.

Anyone that is complaining about the planes just wants to complain because this is a bunch of nonsense. The fact is that we have all the planes in the world here, we have 90 aircraft here and they cannot fly because of the wind situation.

Eighteen firefighters have been injured, four of them I visited yesterday the hospital in San Diego, they have severe burn wounds and so on.

Hundreds of people have been evacuated under monetary, mandatory, precautionary and voluntary evacuations.

At Del Mar, where we had 1800 vulnerable citizens there from nursery homes, so they had to be evacuated and they needed medical attention so we had to get doctors there, nurses, we had to get ambulances there, we had to get medical facilities where they can be transported, some of them needed dialysis, some of them had heart problems and diabetes and so on.

We were concerned, do we have enough cots down here, do we have enough blankets, do we have enough food, do we have water, do we have the baby formulas, do we have the diapers, do we have enough toilet paper, do we have enough toilets?

San Difuego

Stuff is on fire around here. My home and office are not immediately in danger, and in fact are not on any mandatory or voluntary evacuation lists, but the general fire situation is said to be worse than in 2003. I wasn't here then but I understand it was pretty bad. I know some people that have lost everything, and some that have been evacuated. I live (rent) in a wealthy area near the coast, which I would suppose is pretty much the last place the firefighters would allow to burn. Theoretically I could end up trapped between the fire to the north and the other one by the US/Mexico border, but the fire would have to burn through pretty much the whole city to get here. The office has been closed the last two days, and will be again tomorrow. So far, smoke and ash all over everything have been the biggest issues - the air is considered unhealthy to breathe. The store by my house is pretty much sold out of milk, water and other short-term survival items. Probably people remembering the last time there were bad fires.

There are two main fires - these are the Witch fire to the northeast and the Harris fire to the southeast. As you can see from the photo, the smoke is blowing out to sea quite a ways. I have a friend here who is a firefighter and, assuming he makes it through this ok, I am sure he will use that to get into the pants of some unsuspecting girls. As if he doesn't do that enough already.

The issue is the Santa Ana winds, which have been uncharacteristically strong and blowing from east to west. Wednesday night and Thursday morning, they are supposed to subside a bit and change direction, so the fires should stop moving toward the coast. Del Mar was briefly evacuated and it is another wealthy area on the coast, about 10-15 miles north. It was a little odd that the authorities were sending evacuaees and pets, horses, etc. to the Del Mar fairgrounds even while Del Mar was being evacuated. Same deal with high schools in Carlsbad. A lot of people are being allowed back into their homes now.

Qualcomm stadium is a big evacuation point. Governor Schwarzenegger has been walking around there, meeting with victims. The President is supposed to be coming out here on Thursday. It may be interesting to compare FEMA's response here with the response in New Orleans, seeing as how San Diego is pretty white.

I did volunteer my spare room for evacuees, but so far the space hasn't been filled with any single, hot blondes. That makes sense, as the evacuating areas are generally single family neighborhoods. Not too many families want to squeeze into one room and share a bathroom in a place that doesn't allow pets. I've also volunteered to move out entirely, staying with a friend, but no one has taken me up on that.

Sentimentality is not my strong suit, but thoughts (and prayers for those who believe in that sort of thing) are with the victims. The following sources seem to have current information, though they are occasionally down - probably due to overcrowding the servers.

General news (San Diego Union Tribune)

Map of fire and evacuated areas (UT)

UT's Fire Blog

San Diego State has some great fire coverage and information

Jenna 6

I am vaguely aware of the "Jena 6," which I believe is the media's name for a group of black students charged with beating a white student at a southern high school following the hanging of a noose or two from a tree on the school's campus. And that is the extent to which I will write about the Jena 6. Social commentary and intelligent, relevant thought are for suckers.

The Jenna 6 is a collection of celebrity and semi-celebrity chicks named Jenna, ranked in order of attractiveness for your viewing pleasure.

6. Jenna Bush

The daughter of President / Monkey George W. Bush, Jenna Bush is apparently 26 years old or so. I thought she had done some modeling, but based on an internet search (and even more based on looking at her picture) that apparently is not true. Some chick named Lauren Bush seems to be a fashion model and is related to our Presimonkey somehow, and she is a bit hotter than Jenna. I guess Jenna is pretty cute in a "Wouldn't it be cool to bone the President's daughter" sort of way, but that's about all she does for me. Her fraternal twin Barbara, also seen in the photo, looks like she might be a little nugget, even though Barbara is an old woman's name (as is Ruth).

5. Jenna Fischer

Here's Jenna Fischer from "The Office." She has something of a dark side on that show, and apparently shows it off a bit in this Blades of Glory film. However, I am a little behind on my Will Ferrell movie viewing, considering I haven't seen Elf yet, so I haven't seen BOG either. Jenna is pretty plain Jane looking, but it is unclear how much of that is her TV character. I am guessing that if you lived in a small town, you'd think Jenna is really hot, so that is good casting. But I doubt you'd notice her if you were walking in LA on Sunset Boulevard on a Sunday afternoon. Which you wouldn't be doing in the first place since (according to Missing Persons) Nobody Walks in LA. As for this Jenna, I could take it or leave it, and right now I'm leaning toward "leave it." Now if I could just get her to quit calling me.

4. Jenna Presley

Jenna Presley is an, um, "adult" film star. By that I do not mean that she is an adult who stars in films. She doesn't make this list because she is particularly attractive, and in fact I am no big fan of her work. I certainly don't like girls with tattoos, which sort of limits my choices when it comes to adult film viewing. I also don't like any sort of interracial adult films, and I am not a huge fan of lesbianism either, which leaves me with like 3 adult movies I can watch. But the thing about Jenna is that she is from San Diego, and you need to pimp the locals. More importantly, she has posted some comedy gold on what is apparently her official website. (Link is probably ok for work viewing, but still not a good idea. Besides, all the good stuff is reproduced below.)

"I was born and raised in San Diego, California on April 1, 1987."

Now, I know the life of a porn star can prematurely age you, but she was born AND raised in one day?

"I was a strait A student in high school"

Oh dear. No Child Left Behind, please meet your party at the curb.

3. Jenna Elfman

It's Dharma from Dharma and Greg! I think the TV People have tried to keep this Jenna in the spotlight a bit, as I can sort of recall some failed shows starring this chick after D&G was mercifully cancelled. This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I remember seeing a TV ad for a celebrity golf tournament, and the announcer was pimping the celebs that would be playing. So, they would show Robert Wagner, and say "Robert Wagner!" and show Corbin Bernsen and say "Corbin Bersen!" etc. Anyway, they end up showing this tool and the TV voice announces him as "Greg from Dharma and Greg!" So this poor bastard was technically a celebrity, but not well known enough that they'd actually use his name in promotionals. Not that I feel too badly for him, since he's probably piled more chicks on this Jenna list than I have. But lets get back to Jenna Elfman. She's actually a little hotter in that picture than I remember her. Certainly she's distinctive looking and can look a little scary from time to time, but let's give her a thumbs up for now.

2. Jenna Dewan

Jenna Dewan is your typical pretty darned attractive, up and coming actress who will probably get lost in the shuffle and end up doing voice work for video games. She is not the hottest thing on the planet by any means, but on this list of Jennas she certainly deserves this spot and maybe even the top ranking, since the Jenna in the top spot is a little too obvious. If the internet is to be believed, Jenna dated Justin Timberlake for some period of time. My Mom has actually partied with JT - it is kind of a long story but the gist of it is that she was in Orlando at a convention and there was a buzz in the restaurant that N'Sync was there. My Mom's boyfriend, not being the shy type, apparently yells out "Hey N'Sync! Come over here and let me buy you some shots!" I guess JT was impressed by this, and the band members that were over 21 went and had some Patron shots with the boyfriend. JT said that people usually don't buy them drinks, but that it is the other way around, and invited them to a party later that night. Apparently my Mom and her boyfriend went, and got into the club but were denied access to the VIP area where JT and the rest of the band were. However, JT saw them getting hassled, and went over and told the security people to let them in. According to eyewitnesses, this VIP room was about 80% female, and about 79.5% balls hot female. I will never forgive my Mom for not calling me - I could have been on a plane and met them in like 6 hours. But where were we? Oh yeah, Jenna Dewan is hot.

1. Jenna Jameson

I actually don't like porn stars all that much. I think it would be a turnoff to meet one in person, and regardless of how they look physically I think they lose about 2 points on the 10 scale due to their profession. Maybe I would just be overpowered by a porn star's sexuality and be into it, but I think I wouldn't want anything to do with one, issues with disappointing them aside - it just kind of creeps me out. After seeing the Pam Anderson / Tommy Lee video, I never really found Pam attractive after that, even though she is often cited as some female ideal as far as beauty. I think Hannah Harper (again, maybe acceptable for the office but probably not) is about the hottest porn star out there, but since this post isn't about the Hannah 6, we are stuck with Jenna. There is a pretty interesting Biography on Jenna on A&E, and I think she's been on some shows like Bill O'Reilly to defend the porn industry. She is supposedly really smart and has built quite a little porn empire, and I know she also appears on Howard Stern's show with some regularity. I didn't want to give her the top spot, but I think she deserves it if we are basing the order solely on the photos I've included. So, here she is. If you don't think she should be here, drop me a line and I'll refund your money.

Porno Corner

I used to have a talent for parodying actual movie names into fake porn movie names. A friend who started his own beer company claimed to have a talent for this as well, but his solution was to add "anal" to the title of every movie. So, for instance, "Rush Hour 3" would be "Anal Rush Hour 3." The only time he ever strayed from this formula was for "Planet of the Gapes" which I am not sure is even funny, but he found it hilarious.

Some of the classics include:

There's Something Inside Mary
How Stella Got Her Groove Packed
Wet Dreams May Come
Rugburns in Paris
Bi-Curious George
Star Trek: Insert Erection
Gladheateher
Pokeahotass
The Sopornos
Sperminator 2: Judgment Spray
The Da Vinci Load
Shaving Ryan's Privates

There's a million of 'em, but it is getting late and I have to go to the gym. So, I think the way to do this is to keep a list to the right of the latest and greatest parody porno names. I think I can delete my Hot or Not score - I think everyone (operative word being "one") that reads this page knows JW got a 4.7. Not my finest hour.

Unrelated to porn but related to sex (I can imagine the kinds of people that will find this page once Google parses out this post, though), I was out on a date with this chick and we were playing the "porn name" game, where your porn first name is the name of your first pet, and your porn last name is the name of the street you grew up on. So, we determined that my porn name is "Jessie West 14th Avenue." That doesn't make a lot of sense, so we needed to decide between the nearest cross street ("Jessie Defrain" - not bad) or to use a portion of the actual street name, making me "Jessie West" or "Jessie 14." Now, I think there already is someone named Jessie West - there must be since there is a Randy West and a Peter North. Sometimes having a talent for remembering things like guys' porn names is not a blessing and actually makes one appear pretty gay, like ironing, using a lot of hair product, or giving handjobs in the Circle K parking lot. And Jessie 14, well, that sort of implies something that I really am not going to be able to deliver on. Yes, I will admit that I do not have a 14 inch penis. I realize this seems impossible - after all, the results of an informal survey taken at the Horny Toad in Blythe indicate that the average penis size of a Blythe male is over 12 inches. However, you have to remember that I moved to Blythe when I was 6 years old, so I might have missed some of that growth spurt. Pun maybe intended, but I think I get a pass for that.

In any event, my date (this would be Myspace Girl for those of you that have been following my adventures) indicated that she really wouldn't want to date anyone who grew up anywhere north of about 6th or 7th street. Which is nice, because I'd only had to have walked about 3 or 4 blocks north to go visit her ideal boyfriend.

Unrelated item: Plaxico Burress, being interviewed on the radio after MNF, gave a quote that is destined for the Joe Theisman Master of the Obvious Hall of Fame: "If our offense can score about 30 points and the defense can hold them under 17 points, we're going to win a lot of those games."

The Dark Side

"Screw California."-- Rogue Wave, California

Below I've pasted an e-mail I sent earlier this week in regards to Saturday's college football contest pitting Oregon State against #2 California, in Berkeley.

Date: Tue, 9 Oct 2007 14:15:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "JW"
Subject: numbers
To: "TWD," "TCALFB"

Just a few items that may be of interest to no one.

OSU average points for/against 27.5 / 25.2
CAL: 39.4 / 24.4

OSU average yards, offense pass/rush/total: 244.8 / 155.2 / 400
CAL: 227.4 / 201.4 / 428.8

OSU average yards, defense pass/rush/total: 246.7 / 43.5 / 290.2
CAL: 268 / 124 / 392

So... CAL opponents outgain OSU opponents by about 100 yards per game, yet OSU gives up 1 more point per game. Either CAL is blowing out opponents and they are getting cheap yards at the end, or CAL is getting turnonvers or otherwise "bending but not breaking." I'm interested to see if we can run on them since apparently no one can.

CAL outgains OSU by about 20 yards per game, but outscores OSU by 14 PPG. This probably reflects some combination of defensive opportunism (turnovers in opponent's territory, Pick 6) and DeSean Jackson running back kicks for scores.

OSU is a 14 point underdog. Seems like too many based on the foregoing. Besides DeSean and the return game, the teams look pretty evenly matched.
OSU's early-season schedule doesn't look that much worse than ours, so I don't think strength of opponent explains things. Someone please tell me what I am missing.

Note that I do not condone playing the dark side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Score of said college football contest: Oregon State 31, California 28.

I watched the game but have not read, watched or listened to any post-game analysis. Below are some of my thoughts, ramblings and pontifications about the game.

1. Cal pretty much had no business being in a position to tie the game. Some bad coverage and tackling by OSU in the fourth quarter. I'd questioned defenses that go into the "prevent" defense, since, as they say, all it does is prevent the team from winning. Now I see it firsthand - if the offense hits some big plays they are much bigger against the base defense, and an offense can come all the way back this way.

2. The officials blew it in failing to penalize OSU near the end of the first half. QB Canfield was about 3 yards beyond the line of scrimmage when he threw an incomplete pass and this was not noticed or was ignored by the zebras. Assuming no Butterfly Effect, the penalty would have added 5 yards to the FG attempt. The kicker for OSU has a big leg, having made a 58-yarder against Cal previously in his career. The 52-yarder was easily "good", but I think there is a big difference, physically and mentally, between a 57-yard attempt and a 52-yard attempt. Tack on an extra 5 yards and you've got a kicker with a different mindset, a kick that needs to be lower to travel the extra distance, and the (unlikely) possibility the coaches would deem that too far a kick to attempt.

3. Really would have been nice to score a TD instead of failing on 4 running plays at the goal line. I don't disagree with the concept or the play calling, but would think you've got to be able to impose your will and pick up those yards, even against OSU's run defense.

4. Would also have been nice to make the FG in the first half.

5. QB Kevin Riley (henceforth, "Mr. Retardo") made one of the most monumentally stupid plays I've ever seen in a college football game, in running up the middle with no (i) clear path to the goal line; (ii) time to do such a thing; (iii) intelligence; or (iv) timeouts left. I keep a list of people who are intelligent and aware of their surroundings, and Mr. Retardo has been banned from that list for life. You almost hate to kill the kid for making a mistake that an experienced player probably wouldn't have. But not even trying to get back to the line of scrimmage and spike the ball after being tackled, but instead running off the field with the ball and flipping it to the kicker? WTF was Mr. Retardo thinking?!??

6. Mr. Retardo played his prep football for the Beaverton High School Beavers... ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? How could we not see a choke against the OREGON STATE BEAVERS coming a mile away? What's next, Cal signs a kicker named Stanford Leland who goes 0 for 18 on the season?

7. I think Cal's kicker had a pretty good shot at making the 30-yard FG and sending the game to overtime. Maybe try for the win with Nate in there, but not Mr. Retardo. Although to be honest, I like that they went for one more play when they did. Live with the kid or die with the kid... I just can't believe Mr. Retardo tried to run it in.

8. I'm interested to see what the PTI guys have to say about this on Monday. I'll bet they both go easy on the kid for being inexperienced.

Where's Griswold?

Dark Territory may be the most commented upon of my posts to date. By "most commented" I mean that one person made a single reference to the post while I was talking to them. But that comment was not lost on me, and in the content business we've got to give people what they want or they may just visit a different blog for their daily dose of blog inanity.

So, WTF is up with all the different Audrey Griswolds they tried to foist upon us in the Nation Lampoon's vacation movies? There are four movies that I can recall (Vacation, European Vacation, Christmas Vacation and Vegas Vacation), and at least four different actresses. Were the original actresses too busy? No longer age appropriate? Did they refuse to appear in the next film on the advice of their agents, because the scripts were bad? If so, hopefully these women fired their agents long ago since none of these actresses are household names, and some are so obscure that they might not even have households. But let's stop dancing around the issue, which is this: how "doable" are these chicks now? Following the prior format, we'll present a "then" and "now" picture for comparison purposes. Note that although a girl's "Doability rating" is measured on the 10 scale, it is not a measure of the girl's attractiveness. Think of it this way: in college you may have met a girl at a party that you thought was a 6, but there was a 100% chance you were going to try and take her back to your dorm room and have sex with her. In that case, she'd get a 10 on the "doability" scale. Now, on with the show:

Here's Audrey from "Vacation", also known as Dana Barron. Dana is currently 41 years old, but I have no idea when that picture was taken. You see, when people fall out of the public eye, apparently there are very few current pictures of them on the internet. Of course, if you were to compare the number of pictures of Dana Barron with the number of unique page views I get in a day, you'd end up with infinitely more Dana pictures. But I digress. Let's give her a Doability Rating of 5/10.

Here's Audrey from "European Vacation", also known as Dana Hill. Apparently they figured audiences would assume a marginally attractive brunette actress with the same first name is, in fact, the same actress from the original Vacation. I mean, maybe she just got married and changed her name. And I understand that lots of married people kind of let themselves go and get less attractive after they are married, so it would be understandable if she wasn't hot at all and looked nothing like herself. However, it turns out that this is not the same Dana. It also turns out that this Dana is dead. She died in 1996, at age 32. Poor bastard. She gets a Doability Rating of 0/10 (or 4/10 if you are into that sort of thing).

Audrey from "Christmas Vacation", also known as Juliette Lewis. Who knew? She looked like she was going to grow up to be hot in Cape Fear, and don't get me wrong, there are hot pictures of her out there. I've even included one above. However, I am pretty repulsed by her now. Juliette is currently 34 years old. Maybe it was her role in Natural Born Killers, or her performance in Old School, or her wrist tat, or the fact that she is age appropriate for me and I hate that, but this chick disturbs me. Ostensibly she has a lot of doability potential but I am just not seeing it. Your mileage may vary, but I'll give her a Doability Rating of 5/10.

Finally, its Audrey from "Vegas Vacation", also known as Marisol Nichols. (Sidenote: What the hell is Tiki Barber doing in that movie?) Marisol is currently 33 years old. Now, she's by no means the hottest thing on the planet, but in my mind she is far and away the hottest Audrey in the group. That's kind of like being the best player on the Kansas City Royals, or the king of the dipsh!ts, but it is better than nothing. I guess she's still working some, so she's got some incentive not to let herself go and hasn't. For my money, I'll give her a Doability Rating of 9/10.

The name Griswold sounded familiar to me, so I did some additional checking. Turns out Griswold is the name of a blacksmith/merchant in Diablo, which was a wildly popular computer game. Personally, I am not into anime and didn't sport any wood during the Final Fantasy movie, but I am including him here because a burly computer-generated dude with a Scottish accent (no, not Sean Connery) might be someone else's cup of tea. In Diablo 2, Griswold becomes some sort of undead creature you have to fight. In that case Dana #2 might give him a higher score, but for now he gets a Doability Rating of 0/10 (2/10 if he's selling any cool weapons).

There's one last Griswold I can think of off the top of my head: Dr. Molly Griswold, played by Rene Russo in Tin Cup. I think of her as a poor man's Michelle Pfeiffer, but only if the poor man in question is actually hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer. She's currently 53(!) years old, but I'd still say she's pretty doable. I think she nudes up in Thomas Crown Affair, but this is a family blog so I will leave you to your own Googling on that one (tip: make sure SafeSearch is off and search for Rene Russo, or just click here, and check out the first three hits. Incidentally, I've always thought of Julianne Moore as a poor man's Rene Russo, and Julianne nudes up in quite a few films, including The Big Lebowski. But let's give the good Dr. a Doability Rating of 7/10, shall we?

Pillow Bites II

After a short refractory period, I've got a few things to add to the first installment of Pillow Bites (which of course, was the second installment of Pillow Talk, which in turn was the third installment of Hump Day Ramblings)...

FYI - the red puddle in the photo is a gag pillow. I may be something of a sick f*ck but I am not THAT much of a sick f*ck. Halloween is just around the corner, you dig?

I was discussing my "Cloak and Dater" idea of changing the female names in my phone to male names with a girl in PB last weekend, as a method of throwing girls I'm seeing off the trail if they ever sneak a look at my phone. This girl told me that chicks are wise to this (as I somewhat suspected), and get very suspicious if they go through a dude's phone and there aren't any chick names in there. When I mentioned the alternatives, the girl agreed that "Last name, first initial" is probably the best way to go, since it would be difficult to justify asking a lot of questions about contact info entered in this manner. It is a little bit of a problem for me and my "smart" phone since it wants to synch with my Outlook contacts, but I will improvise, adapt, overcome...

I understand that sneezing is biologically the closest a human gets to having an orgasm without actually having an orgasm. I will be in the corner with a pepper shaker if anyone needs me...

"Defenestrate" is a verb meaning "to throw out of a window." Probably the most famous example of defenestration occurs while Longshanks is asking Philip for advice on how to deal with William Wallace...

My Freecell winning percentage is up to 77%...

One of life's great pleasures is having your hair washed and cut...

A dude on the radio was reading off funny cat names the other day. I don't usually go for that sort of thing, but someone had named their cat "Junior SayMeow" which I thought was pretty clever...

The Bravo Channel named "The Princess Bride" as the 50th funniest movie of all time. I really enjoyed the movie when I saw it the first time. I remember thinking it was clever. But "funny"? Really?...