Dark Territory

So, I'm watching "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory," which is a fantasic Steven Seagal film, and one of the few that does not have a two- or three-word title like Above the Law, Marked for Death, Hard to Kill, Fire Down Below, Under Siege, The Glimmer Man, Out for Justice, or On Deadly Ground (which co-starred EJ). The title of the film I was watching is technically "Under Siege 2," and the rest is a subtitle, so it probably does qualify as a three-worder. In any regard, I'm watching this film and I'm noticing that Seagal's 16-year old niece is being played by an attractive young girl who is pretty distinctive looking. After watching for a little longer, I figured out that the girl was Katherine Heigl, Izzy from "Grey's Anatomy" (I guess she's also in this "Knocked Up" film but, since I have no girlfriend, I haven't seen this one).

Three thoughts come to mind. First, even though Heigl is apparently engaged or married to some jackass named Josh Kelley, she would be on my Hump Island. Let's have her replace the chick from Entourage and table the rest of that discussion for now. Second, considering I am much better looking than Mr. Kelley, and we are both musicians of some note, my chances of stealing Heigl from Mr. Kelley are probably better than 50%. Third, I wonder what's happened to some other actresses that I thought were "cute" when playing a teenager. Did they blossom (and not in the sense of did they become marginally attractive and co-star with Joey Lawrence on a TV sitcom)? Where are they now?

Is this sketchy? A bit. But am I sketchy? Absolutely. And these women are all perfectly age-appropriate now. So, without further ado, and with a big "F-You" to the copyright people (note that there is still a standing "F-You" for people who stop elevator doors from closing), I present to you some "then" and "now" pictures:


Katherine Heigl (born 1978). Pic from "My Father the Hero" (1994), and present-day. Katherine is all growns up now. Hubba hubba.


Eliza Dushku (born 1980). Pic from "True Lies" (1994), and present-day. Nice improvement by Ms. Dushku, but you could kind of see it coming. She is apparently banging Brad Penny of the LA Dodgers now.


Danielle Harris (born 1977). Pic from "The Last Boy Scout" (1991), and present-day. This one was quite a surprise to me, since Danielle's career hasn't exactly been high visibility after TLBS. Still, we are starting to see a trend - chicks that make it into movies at a young age tend to grow up to be hot. Shocker.


Natalie Portman (born 1981). Pic from "The Professional" (1994), and present-day. Probably the one that started it all - my college roommate Ben had an unhealthy obsession with Natalie in that film (note for the record that he had many unhealthy obsessions, such as Sega Hockey, Howard Stern, and delivering cheese to sorority houses).

There are others. If I had seen Beautiful Girls I might know that some chick in that movie was supposedly hot and thirteen (Uma Thurman?). Also, Drew Barrymore was in movies at a young age but I'd say she is the exception to the rule since I don't find her attractive and if anything I am a little repulsed by her. Though I am sure that feeling isn't mutual.

Speaking of "Where Are They Now," did you know that Jon Gries, better known as Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, played Laslo Hollyfeld in the Val Kilmer classic "Real Genius"? You did? Well, F-You.