Hump Day Ramblings

Late-night, mid-week ramblings. Much easier to crank out than organized, humorous posts...

I have been on four online dates. On the "10" scale for attractiveness, the girls were a "7", a "9", an "8" and an "8" (the Wood Dog can independently verify these statistics). Unfortunately, they all have serious personality flaws and/or are insane, which explains why women that look like that would be using an online dating service...

There is a girl at my work that is a "5" on the attractiveness scale, and by "5" I mean "4". She told me the other day that she is an "8.5" (or a "9" if she puts on makeup)...

One day I will write a movie script. It will have a coherent plot, but the dialogue willl be comprised entirely of quotes from other movies...

If I could get the license for it, I think I'd make a trillion dollars selling NFL Draft beer...

I aspire to play twins in a bad movie (I don't know if one person has ever played twins in a good movie, though Chris Knight pulled off the feat in an excellent Brady Bunch episode). I also aspire to act in a movie as a cop that doesn't play by the rules...

Celebrities I have been told I look like include Jim Carrey, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Mark Anthony...

Since I've moved to San Diego, I've been considering launching a boxing career. I would fight as "Oscar de La Jolla"...

One day I will participate in the running of the bulls in Spain. Not sure if I will ever participate in the running of the bullshitters in North Beach...

If I could pick one karaoke song to be able to nail at any time, I'd probably pick Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam...

The last movie I saw in a theater was Snakes on a Plane...

I will participate in the Hermosa Ironman again...

To paraphrase Mitch Hedberg, I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that...

I think Mitch Hedberg is overrated. I think performers who die young are generally overrated...

Speaking of dying, about two years ago, I invested equal amounts of money in a funeral company and in a medical company that produces equipment for an experimental heart procedure that would benefit me. Kind of a Life or Death investment, really. Both stocks were trading at $8 when I made the investment. "Life" is now trading at $5.92. "Death" is trading at $13.79...

In related news, I have put together a playlist for my own funeral. Songs include "Lucky Man" (The Verve), "Juicy" (Notorious BIG), "Nothingman" (Pearl Jam) and "High and Dry" (Radiohead)...

I realized we've gone too far with our televised sports when Trey Wingo, the ESPN studio host for NFL Live, congratulated his fellow studio-mates for an "unbelievable mock draft"...

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know (use the comment button)...

I almost always have a first-person shooter (i.e. a Doom-style game) and a role-playing video game going. Currently, these are "Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood" and "Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind"...

That last entry explains a lot about my eternal singlehood...

Josh Bard, catcher for the San Diego Padres may be the worst sports interview on the planet. It's not just that he has nothing to say, it's also how he doesn't say it. The phrase "you know" is repeated about every fourth word. So that's, you know, something that, you know, I am really, you know, annoyed by...

I can't watch most sports talk shows, but I really can't watch them when they have guest hosts. "I'm Doug Gottlieb, and here's what I'm burning about." Who gives a rat's ass what you're burning about...

Although well produced, I don't understand the popularity of "Deal or No Deal" (or as I call it, "America's Bad at Math"). I did see Howie Mandel at the Venetian in Vegas about four months ago. He apparently thinks he is hot shit now...

I have not dunked a basketball since college. I believe I could dunk a basketball if I trained to do so. Would probably take me about 2-3 months to get there I think...

I slept with women I work with at my two jobs prior to the current one. That never turns out well. I have never had sex in the workplace, however...

The funniest line I ever saw on the Newlywed Game was when the wife was asked what was the most unusual place she and her husband made whoopee. The wife answered "the butt"...

I used to think I could make a living playing golf if I had the time and money to practice full time, hire a swing coach, etc. I think I used to be wrong...

At one time, if I could only eat one food for the rest of my life I would have chosen spaghetti. Sushi is my favorite food, but I can only have it occasionally and wouldn't enjoy it every day. Now the food I would choose for the rest of my life is chicken burritos...

Dunk Contest

It is taking forever to finish my Online Dating Field Reports. Probaby because I haven't really been working on them. In the meantime, I submit to you the following videos that I enjoyed. They feature some random college kids dunking on a nerf hoop. Good production values, well done overall.



And the sequel:



Originally found these links at Sports Guy on ESPN.com.