Gagne with a Spoon

At first I was concerned that I might be infringing on Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") territory here, but then I realized I wasn't going to write about any of the following topics:

"Vegas with the guys is a lot of fun, and you can use sports analogies while you're there!"
"Even though I couldn't hack it writing for the Jimmy Kimmel Live show, I still hang out with Jimmy Kimmel on Sundays to watch football. Did I mention that I know Jimmy Kimmel?"
"I still watch the NBA. Isiah Thomas is a bad GM, Doc Rivers is a bad coach, and my greatest fantasy is for Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson to simultaneously find out if I'm watertight!"
"Adam Carrolla is really, really funny. No, he really is. Did I mention that I know Adam Carrolla, who knows Jimmy Kimmel?"
"If gambling were legal, here are some shitty NFL picks."

Even though Simmons may have internet monopolies on those specific topics, I think other people are also allowed to write about Boston sports teams. So, without further ado (some would call it stalling) we shall discuss the Boston Red Sox's trade for Eric Gagne.

Faithful reader (intentionally not plural) of my blog will know that I am against the "hired gun" mentality in sports. This trade for Gagne is exactly that. The Sox are getting a rent-a-player, trading away the future for immediate help, to "win now." I guess that's how it is in sports these days. Granted, I don't think any of the players that were traded for Gagne have anything more than marginal major league futures, but part of being a fan of a team is being a fan of the players on the team, and watching them stay together and get better over time. For instance, I have been a co-owner with BRD in fantasy baseball for several teams (such as Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin' and The Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen). When BRD was involved in drafting the team, the players became "his" players, and he was interested. The year he was unable to participate in the draft, he didn't participate much with the team because he didn't feel any connection to the players.

In that context, Gagne isn't "my" player. He is a player that was foisted upon me, much like Johan Santana was foisted upon BRD in the 9th round in 2003. Maybe Gagne will be great for the Red Sox. Maybe he'll help them win the World Series. But it will feel like the title was bought rather than earned by developing home-grown players, on a playing field that is relatively level with all the other teams (not just the Yankees). A (more) fair win as opposed to a cheap win. I guess a lot of people root for the team, a city and a logo and not the players. Not me.

Michael Vick: Prick

OK, Michael Vick is apparently a bad guy. At least that's what I keep hearing on the radio and reading on the internet. I haven't read any of the specific allegations against Vick, so anything I know about his recent troubles is hearsay. I do know that he is somehow involved with a dog-fighting ring that allegedly killed dogs that didn't want to fight, and did so in creative and especially cruel ways, such as hanging, electrocution, drowning, and the tried-and-true favorite of repeatedly bashing the dog's head into the pavement. Terrible, horrible stuff all.

But I wonder why it is that every time I see Vick discussed on the television, the accompanying picture of Vick makes him look like a total thug? I mean, in this country we are theoretically innocent until proven guilty. If that is the case, why must we show him looking like he is about to go on a 10-state crime spree?


I'm pretty sure I've seen all three of those photos used by the media. The guy in those pictures just looks guilty of something.

Of course, there are other photos of Michael out there that the media could be using. See, look at how nice Michael can look while wearing NFL gear, in contrast to the above photos:


Here's a picture of Michael at a fundraiser for a Boys & Girls Club (yes, I realize it is not a Kennel Club or PETA fundraiser, but still):


And here's Michael as the "token fraternity black guy":


See how harmless he looks? Who doesn't remember tossing the old pigskin with a guy like this in college? Good times. But we are instead treated to "Do-Rag" Vick. Hell, after seeing the media photos I am relieved that all he did was bet on/execute some dogs.

Maybe "thug" pictures of Tom Brady don't exist, but I just have trouble thinking the media would be portraying him the same way they are portraying Vick. I imagine some of that is a race thing, but some of it is also image. I don't think the media would "thug-ize" Will Smith or Colin Powell if they were to run afoul of the law. Of course, Powell and the Fresh Prince are white.

HOT OR NOT UPDATE: My "official" score on "Hot or Not" is a 4.7. I don't think I can blame my regular blog readers for flooding the site with artificially low scores, since I don't have any regular blog readers. So, I am not Hot after all. Quite a blow to the old self-esteem.

These are the Jokes

A divorce court judge has ruled that Heather Mills, the soon-to-be former spouse of Paul McCartney, is not entitled to any portion of Mr. McCartney's financial estate. In what is being hailed by commentators as a harsh decision, the judge ruled that in making her claim, Ms. Mills "didn't have a leg to stand on."

Walking away from her marriage empty-handed, Ms. Mills, despite her appearance on television's "Dancing with the Stars," will be forced to find regular employment. Industry insiders agree this should not be a problem for Ms. Mills, as she has already received several inquiries as to her availability, and most notably a lucrative offer to serve as spokesperson for the well-known restaurant chain "International House of Pancakes." (Wait for it...)

I don't dance, people.

I Am Hot

Submitted my profile photo to Am I Hot or Not? yesterday, because I am retro like that. My current score is 8.4, based on votes by the public at large, or at least the public at large that feels compelled to go on the internet and rate pictures of complete strangers on a scale of 1 to 10. This is apparently 'hotter' than 82% of all guys. I can assure you that I have not been stuffing the ballot box, as it were, but I make no such representations with respect to my underwear. In a new blog feature that is sure to be ignored by me, I'll be sporadically updating my score, which is displayed to the right.

Take My Advice

Jennie Finch has a fantasy advice column on ESPN.com. Perhaps I should clarify. It is not a column for advice about just any garden-variety fantasy, like the fantasy where Janet Reno dresses up like Wonder Woman, takes off your clothes and ties you up, and throws spoonfuls of green jello at your naked body. Jennie has a fantasy baseball advice column.

The part I don't understand is, why do people send e-mails to Jennie Finch asking for fantasy sports advice? Does Jennie, a marginally attractive (yes, marginally; see photo) softball player, know more about baseball than I do? Does Jennie know more about baseball than a trained monkey does? (Whether or not I know more about baseball than a trained monkey will be addressed in my upcoming blog entry, to be posted on the First of Never.)

Let's check Jennie's ESPN web page to see if her qualifications are listed there, shall we?

"Jennie went 2-0 as a member of the 2004 USA Softball team that won the gold medal." Totally irrelevant, but if I need a fantasy softball update for Cat Osterman I know who to ask. Could come in handy.

"Jennie is married to Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Casey Daigle." Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher is a pretty liberal description of a guy who has a 6.64 ERA and a .354 opponent's batting average against for the AAA Tucson Sidewinders. But Daigle is apparently 6'5" and 248 lbs, so I might want to be a little careful what I say about him, his terrible statistics, or his gargantuan behemoth of a wife. Note for the record that this little rant has nothing to do with Jennie advising me to trade Randy Johnson after a few good starts, me ignoring that advice, and Randy's current extended stay on the DL. Because that never happened.

This leads me to a larger issue. Who gives a crap what any of these talking heads in sports says? I've been listening to ESPN radio in the morning (mainly because it feels wrong to watch porn at such an early hour), and this guy named Colin Cowherd starts naming his top 10 college football programs of the last 10 years. And, inexplicably, people start calling in to argue with this guy. "I think you have Tennessee ranked too low, their record was such-and-such in 1998." So what? What's the point? Does Cowherd vote for the BCS or something? Is there a cash prize for being ranked in Colin Cowherd's top 10 that is split among all alumni of the schools that make it?

Some things in life just aren't "value added." People who call in to radio talk shows. Hugh Jackman. This blog.

Dark Territory

So, I'm watching "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory," which is a fantasic Steven Seagal film, and one of the few that does not have a two- or three-word title like Above the Law, Marked for Death, Hard to Kill, Fire Down Below, Under Siege, The Glimmer Man, Out for Justice, or On Deadly Ground (which co-starred EJ). The title of the film I was watching is technically "Under Siege 2," and the rest is a subtitle, so it probably does qualify as a three-worder. In any regard, I'm watching this film and I'm noticing that Seagal's 16-year old niece is being played by an attractive young girl who is pretty distinctive looking. After watching for a little longer, I figured out that the girl was Katherine Heigl, Izzy from "Grey's Anatomy" (I guess she's also in this "Knocked Up" film but, since I have no girlfriend, I haven't seen this one).

Three thoughts come to mind. First, even though Heigl is apparently engaged or married to some jackass named Josh Kelley, she would be on my Hump Island. Let's have her replace the chick from Entourage and table the rest of that discussion for now. Second, considering I am much better looking than Mr. Kelley, and we are both musicians of some note, my chances of stealing Heigl from Mr. Kelley are probably better than 50%. Third, I wonder what's happened to some other actresses that I thought were "cute" when playing a teenager. Did they blossom (and not in the sense of did they become marginally attractive and co-star with Joey Lawrence on a TV sitcom)? Where are they now?

Is this sketchy? A bit. But am I sketchy? Absolutely. And these women are all perfectly age-appropriate now. So, without further ado, and with a big "F-You" to the copyright people (note that there is still a standing "F-You" for people who stop elevator doors from closing), I present to you some "then" and "now" pictures:


Katherine Heigl (born 1978). Pic from "My Father the Hero" (1994), and present-day. Katherine is all growns up now. Hubba hubba.


Eliza Dushku (born 1980). Pic from "True Lies" (1994), and present-day. Nice improvement by Ms. Dushku, but you could kind of see it coming. She is apparently banging Brad Penny of the LA Dodgers now.


Danielle Harris (born 1977). Pic from "The Last Boy Scout" (1991), and present-day. This one was quite a surprise to me, since Danielle's career hasn't exactly been high visibility after TLBS. Still, we are starting to see a trend - chicks that make it into movies at a young age tend to grow up to be hot. Shocker.


Natalie Portman (born 1981). Pic from "The Professional" (1994), and present-day. Probably the one that started it all - my college roommate Ben had an unhealthy obsession with Natalie in that film (note for the record that he had many unhealthy obsessions, such as Sega Hockey, Howard Stern, and delivering cheese to sorority houses).

There are others. If I had seen Beautiful Girls I might know that some chick in that movie was supposedly hot and thirteen (Uma Thurman?). Also, Drew Barrymore was in movies at a young age but I'd say she is the exception to the rule since I don't find her attractive and if anything I am a little repulsed by her. Though I am sure that feeling isn't mutual.

Speaking of "Where Are They Now," did you know that Jon Gries, better known as Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, played Laslo Hollyfeld in the Val Kilmer classic "Real Genius"? You did? Well, F-You.

The No Bench-press Association

The totally irrelevant professional sports league that is the National Basketball Association just had its annual draft. This is not to be confused with the annual fantasy basketball draft that used to take place at Shanghai Kelly's on a cocktail napkin for the now legendary "Whiting v. Wood" 2-team fantasy basketball league. I don't know what has happened more recently, that fantasy draft or a new TAP blog post.

The Seattle Sonics were roundly praised for selecting Kevin Durant with the second overall pick in the NBA draft. I am disappointed that the Sonics did not get Greg Oden, since I think Wood still follows the NBA and I would have liked to be able to ask him questions like "Does Oden ever talk about what World War II was like?" Nevertheless, the Sonics got Durant.

The Sonics also hired PJ Carliesimo to coach their team. Carliesimo enjoyed substantial success in the college ranks at Seton Hall and went on to fail as an NBA coach at several stops. You might remember that Carliesimo was the coach of the Golden State Warriors when he was choked by one of his players, shooting guard Latrell "I Got a Family to Feed" Sprewell (note welts on neck):



I think this is a dicey hire for the Sonics. You see, a 6'10" player with a 7'+ wingspan like Durant has could choke Carliesimo from a considerable distance. However, this may be countered by the fact that Durant cannot bench-press 185 pounds - so he is probably too weak to apply enough force to effectively choke his coach:



If I paid any attention the NBA, I'd be curious to see how this plays out.