Online Dating and the Missing Sox

Three more "winks" for my profile. I am now showing 12 profile views, 6 winks, and 2 e-mails. So, that is at least a 50% contact ratio. As my friend Borat might say, "Success! You are #4 prostitute in San Diego!" One is a 26-year old chick from Santa Clara (?), one is a local 33-year old MILF, and the other is a 29-year old girl who, from her profile and photo, appears to be a cute girl that I would actually go out with. Except we all know that people who participate in online dating are weirdos and losers.

Personally, I thought my profile was too lengthy, but it apparently is getting the job done. What is it about the profile that is working? Possibly these elements:

1. My profile states that I, like the guys down at the Gas 'n Sip, am single by choice. I think a reference to "Say Anything" is probably pretty money.

2. My profile states that I can fix things around the house and kill insects, but can also be talked into going to see a chick flick without too much whining on my part. I don't go to many movies, but I am pretty much entertained by anything, even if I am being entertained by the crappiness of the film. I went and saw Legally Blonde 2 with a chick, then we bagged on the movie the rest of the night until we went back to her place. No skin off my nose. Plus there was some inappropriate touching in the theater. I really should apologize for that - he was a 9-year old. My bad, it was dark.

3. My profile states that I would rather lay around in bed on a Sunday morning with a chick than get up and watch football. This is generally true, even though the Patriots play on Sunday mornings. I don't have DirecTV and can't get the NFL package, and the Pats are rarely on the network stations here in San Diego. Plus, I have Tivo if they are on.

Are these things true? Pretty much. As far as you (or they) know.

Back to #3, even when the Pats are on (or any team that I like), I don't feel that compelled to watch them if there aren't other people around. I would probably rather watch, say, UC Davis football with LRD, who will be really into the game, than watch a Cal game by myself. For me, football and sports in general are more about sharing the experience with others who are into it. I took my brother to Pittsburgh to see the Pats and Steelers play, in the third game of the season after the Pats beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I liked being at the game, but the best part was seeing how excited my brother was to be there, and to walk around the city wearing his authentic game jersey. (The second best part was having relations after the Pats won, with a girl wearing a Hines Ward jersey, while I was wearing a Tom Brady jersey.)

I also think being a Cal and a Red Sox fan during the dark times has conditioned me not to love my teams too much. I think it was in the movie "Bronx Tale" where the Sonny character is telling the C character not to care about the Yankees, because none of the Yankees players give a crap about C. I think that's true. Put another way, as noted in the chick flick "Fever Pitch" (see #2 above), the Red Sox have never loved me back. Cal hasn't really loved me back either, I guess, unless you count letters asking me to donate to the school, or Sean Lampley threatening to kick my ass, as love (to be fair to Sean, I was two rows behind him at a football game, chanting "N.I.T.! N.I.T.!" immediately before said threatened ass-kicking).

So, I am a fan but not a huge, crazy fan. When the Sox won the World Series in 2004, a lot of people called to congratulate me. I wasn't all that excited about it. It was nice, but it is getting harder and harder to like the Red Sox. They are now pretty much the Yankees. I could root for them when there was a perceived difference between the teams, but they are basically the same now. So, I can root for them to beat the Yankees, but feel bad about rooting for them to beat other teams when they have such a financial advantage. I didn't love the JD Drew signing, not because he is a bad player, but because they bought him. Would much rather see homegrown talent out on the field. Matsuzaka is intriguing, but purchased. Papelbon was drafted. Would have liked to see him in the rotation this year. So, I can like Ortiz (initally signed for little money, as a player the Twins gave up on), Papelbon, Pedroia, Youkilis (though I don't), Crisp (not a top money guy, and we got him pretty young, but he is turning out to be a bust), Varitek (don't really like him either, but thanks, Seattle, for him and Derek Lowe. How's Heathchliff Slocumb working out for ya?). But, overall, a lot of hired guns on that team. It's not really a team. It's players.

A Sensitive Subject

Lately, I am seeing a massive increase (no pun intended) in the amount of spam I receive that advertises penis enlargement (well, pen1s enlargement, actually). Which leads me to wonder which one of my exes has a big mouth. Though I suppose someone in dire need of pen1s enlargement would say they all do.

Flash Gordon Haiku

I was listening to Jim Rome this morning, and he was discussing the conviction and sentencing of former MLB player Ugueth Urbina for apparently capturing a group of men on his property, dousing them with gas and threatening to kill them with a machete. A friend of mine, that I used to partner up with for fantasy baseball, also e-mailed me to note that I might not want to draft UUU this year (maybe drafting him isn't such a bad idea though - would, say, Rick Vaughn's stats from the California penal league have counted in fantasy?). I digress, however, as I am wont to do. One of Rome's listeners e-mailed a haiku regarding the UUU situation. As I remember it, it went as follows:

Hey, who are those guys?
Get the machete and gas.
Don't swim here again.

This reminded me of a haiku phase I went through. I posted a few haikus to a movie web site (it was www.countingdown.com, not sure if it still exists) when Star Wars Episode I was coming out. I think I submitted something like the following:

Phantom Menace? Bah!
The real countdown is to when
Portman turns 18.

I don't think it won any awards. This further reminds me, however, of a Flash Gordon (the excellent film starring Max von Sydow as Ming the Merciless) haiku contest I had with my friends over e-mail. Granted, this was not as exciting as the game of hearts we played over e-mail, but pretty riveting stuff nonetheless. I submitted the following haiku, which I think should have won (Weaver was the winner, though I don't remember what he wrote at all):

Voice: "Halt, lizardman!
Escape is Impossible."
Look! A fried lizard.

In completely unrelated news, I posted an online dating profile. At this point, it is only words, maybe more of a thought experiment than anything else, but I took some time and tried to write something thoughtful and clever. Perhaps I will post it here. But I don't intend to contact anyone, as that would require (i) subscribing, and (ii) effort, but I am curious to see how many hits I receive. I doubt I will follow through and post a picture, though I understand this would considerably increase my odds of receiving responses. For purposes of this experiment, a "wink" (which I guess is an invitation to send an e-mail to that person) or an e-mail are being considered responses.

What are the results? After 24 hours, my profile has three winks and two e-mails. However, my profile indicates that it has been viewed only one time, so there might be something fishy going on here. I can't read the e-mails without subscribing, but the winks all appear to be from real people. Ages 26, 35 and 37. Looks like one of them is a single mom from San Diego (odd, I recall my profile as saying I would not date someone with kids). The others are from San Diego and L.A. Based on what I see, I don't think I would go out with any of them. I guess I am a little spoiled - I haven't gone on a lot of dates recently, but the dates I've been on were with very attractive girls. I don't think I would put any of the three winkers in that category - I'd say they are probably average looking.

There are probably a lot of reasons I got the responses I did. First, without my picture also posted, there is no baseline upon which to judge whether we match up, attractiveness-wise. Second, the girls I would want to go out with will generally be getting plenty of offers and probably won't be on a dating site (hard to explain away Y-man's wife this way though - maybe she was just really busy and didn't have time to meet someone in the traditional ways. Not that I would want to go out with Y-man's wife. Or that I would admit as much, in any regard). Third, who's really going to take the time to read a profile without a picture? Wouldn't you assume a person that isn't posting a picture is hiding something? So, I guess the fact that I have from 3-5 responses is a testament to my writing skill if nothing else. I'm not sure why I won't post a picture. I guess I am embarassed in general that someone I know will see it on the site (and in particular that an ex would see it). I probably also don't want to admit that I would need to do online dating - I still believe that, if I feel like it, I can pretty much go out and meet someone suitable to go on a date with any time I want. The problem is, I "feel like it" less and less often when I go out. Perhaps it is time to change that.

The Language of FreeCell

First, the language.

I think I am going to clean up my rants. As much as everyone likes a good f-bomb, I'm not sure I need that here. Planes, Trains & Automobiles is a family movie. Shouldn't my blog be a family site? Maybe it doesn't matter, since I currently have a readership of approximately two. I have considered adding a page view counter to this site, but I think that might be depressing.

Now, the FreeCell:

I have owned my computer for about two and a half years, and in that time I have played approximately 1100 games of FreeCell. I usually play when I am putting together music playlists or CDs, and seeing how songs "fit" together. Been playing a lot lately, as I am behind on the 2006 Wine & Crab Mix. Also put in some good FreeCell time when creating music for the Wood Dog's Bachelor Party, the Beck / Mercer Double Island Olympics, and the LRD Bachelor Party (which, incidentally, was never used or even heard, as certain members of the RD family did not bring their iPod adapters to the party). Speaking of iPods, I'm not sure how I ever traveled anywhere without one. But that can be explored another time.

My FreeCell statistics:

Success Rate: 76%
Longest winning streak: 26
Longest losing streak: 5

Fantasy Team Names

I play fantasy sports (in related news, I am 34 and single). Generally only one team at a time, and generally only football and baseball. Started on a site called Sandbox in the late 90's, and to this day I thank Sandbox for all the spam I get in my primary email account, addressed to KARL HUNGUS. Apparently, someone out there thinks KARL HUNGUS needs to refinance, needs to be offered varying rates of interest from 3% to 7%, and needs to be made these offers approximately 15 times per day. Because if KARL HUNGUS didn't click on the first 14, well, I'm sure he meant to and didn't get around to it, so you better send the 15th offer. But I will save my spam rant for another day. This post is about fantasy team names.

I always enjoy playing in a league more if the team names are clever. I have played in my brother's football league, and the teams there are named things like "Go Broncoz," "Bears in 2006," and "DA BANGERS." All the originality of, I don't know, starting a blog. I've for some time considered compiling a list of the best fantasy team names I've used or seen over the years. To mis-quote the 1998* Montreal Expos: "Porque no nostotros? Porque no ahora?" (*note that I know it was the Expos that used this slogan, but don't know the year though I do know it was near the strike, maybe the year after. If only there were some source of information that were easily searchable, I could find out the year. If only...)

So here are what are in my opinion some good fantasy team names. Some are my originals, some are not, and I will add to this list. Or I won't.

Baseball:

Jim Abbott's Right Hand Men
Men Without Bats
Operation Shutdown
Nine Jerks and a Squirt
Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin'
Liquor-Fueled Lesbian Rampage
The Boys of Febtober
Brak's Tales of Suspense
Attack of the Colons
Masterbatters

Football:

Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
Ron Mexico and the Simplex 7
If I Drafted This Team, Here's How It Happened
Jell-O Fever
Hanford R2 Units
These Are The Jokes (this was a football team, and was included because my baseball league is now called this. However, I quit playing in that league. And will quit again after this season.)

In my football league, I have a semi-established tradition of changing my team name each week to mock the other team. A couple names on this list are examples of that tradition. They probably won't be funny to any casual internet droppers-by. That, however, is only a problem for the casual internet droppers-by.

As a note to myself, maybe the next post should be about good porn movie names based on real movies. Always a fun one, but I don't seem to be as good at this as I once was. We'll see what happens.

Guys in Black Shirts

Contrary to popular belief, I often am an easygoing guy. However, there is something that pisses me off - it happened again today, and happens a few times each month. That "something" is when a person prevents the elevator doors from closing, holding up everyone on the elevator so they can board it. There are three elevators that serve one side of the building (seven floors) and four elevators that serve the other side (ten floors). But it's not that these bastards can't be bothered to wait for the next elevator (though these are also likely the jackasses that hold train doors open) that really gets my goat, however. It is the fact that, invariably, the person says "sorry" when they do it. Sorry? You're really sorry? Doesn't that imply that the act was accidental? You knew damn well when you stuck your arm between the closing elevator doors what was going to happen. It was an intentional act, and now you're sorry for it? I think not. What if I punch you in the face when you get on the elevator, and say "sorry"? That's something I meant to do also. I don't know that "sorry" makes it right. I'd prefer if you said "F-You" when you do this, because I can at least respect that, and isn't that what you were thinking in the first place? "I'm so important I have to get onto *this* elevator, and to hell with anyone that might already be on it. F-Them." I'm not sorry I didn't hold the doors open, I'm not sorry I was frantically pounding on the "close door" button as you approached the elevator, so don't be sorry when you defeat my efforts and make it onto the elevator. Tell me "F-You" because that's what I'm thinking when you get on (usually accompanied by an extended middle finger, be it via forehead scratch, or under my folded arms). EAD.

Not sure how I'm going to work this into my comedy routine. Currently, I am part of a nonexistent comedy duo called Guys in Black Shirts, who "performed" one night at the Seattle Comedy Underground to a mostly empty house, after hours and full of booze. The unfortunate part there was the fact that we took the stage without any prepared material. Since then, I've thought a bit about my material. Given another opportunity, I would try a few things. For instance, I've got an idea for a bit that plays off the TV Poker craze, and how the odds of winning the hand are displayed in the bottom left of the screen. The bit consists of how great it would be if the odds of success were displayed in the bottom left of your vision for everyday actions. So, I would start off with the example of getting laid. Walk over to a girl sitting in the front row. Say something like right now, just standing here, the Adonis that I am, I have an 85% chance of having sex with you tonight. Wait for audience response. Remark that, after looking at the guy she's with, the odds are up to 97%. Drop a line, "what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?" Check the odds - 60%, uh oh. "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first" - 25%, dammit! Time to walk away. Then address the audience - "now, wouldn't that be useful? I didn't waste any money buying drinks for some broad when she probably wasn't going to sleep with me. There are lots of situations that this would be useful in. For instance, had I checked the odds of this routine being funny, I'd have seen the 2% at the bottom of the screen, and just moved on."

Additional material - use the psychiatrist jokes, pretending that you're the patient, with mental problems. "I went to see my shrink, and I was wearing only cellophane shorts. The doctor says to me 'I can clearly see your nuts.' Went back to the doctor, when I thought I was invisible. The doctor told me he couldn't see me right then." Well, you get the point.

Then, transition to the fact that you don't have mental problems, but you actually do have an embarassing problem. Excessive flatulence. I mean, its a really bad problem. If I were a boxer, I'd be Gaseous Clay. If I were president, I'd be Abraham Stinkin'. If I were a video game console in the late 1970's, I'd be Insmellavision. If I were in a boy band, we'd be N'Stink. Actually, there might not be a lot of mileage here. I'll need to consider it further.

Bienvenidos a mi mundo. Sorry. Or, if you prefer, F-You.