Reader Mailbag

OK folks, time to take a break from blogging and respond to some of the comments, questions and concerns that have been submitted by my readers.



And we're done.

A Crisis Situation

"The first rule in a crisis situation: you negotiate first and you attack last."

"The second rule in a crisis situation: if you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called."

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Julius Benedict, Twins

But what does Julius Benedict have to do with anything, you ask? And if you didn't ask, you were supposed to. In this particular case, the answer is "not the first damned thing."

But on the heels of my landmark, groundbreaking, watershed, Pulitzer Prize-winning Brush It Like Beckham post, I got to thinking. Now, I don't normally recommend this, since it usually causes more harm than good. But, undaunted, I started thinking: Am I having a mid-life crisis?

According to Wikipedia, some characteristics of mid-life crisis are:

* a desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness. (Yes.)
* a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships. (YES!!!)
* conspicuous consumption - acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, shotguns, etc. (Do Bud Light shotguns count?)
* paying special attention to physical appearance. (Yes.)

So, I came up with a list of Mid-Life Crisis Indicators for myself:

Pro Mid-Life Crisis:

* I recently changed my hairstyle to compensate for a receding hairline.
* Cougars are now perfectly age-appropriate, but I insist on dating 27 year-olds.
* I pluck gray hairs.
* I am training for a triathlon.
* I listen to morning radio, and prefer talk radio to music much of the time.
* I am taking surfing lessons.
* I recently purchased clothes at American Eagle.
* I sometimes grunt when sitting down or standing up. (Author's note: I pronounce "sometimes" as "all-waayz")
* I snowboard instead of ski, even though I like skiing more.
* The people from work I spend the most time with socially are aged 23 and 24 years.
* I am bothered by the fact that I am now almost twice as old as recent Playmates of the Month.
* I own Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix (with a Dance Pad) for Xbox 360 and I actually use it. (Wait, what do you mean this isn't a "I'm a Total Tool Crisis" post?)
* My father showed signs of mid-life crisis (hair dye-ing, philandering) in his 30's and into his 40's.

Anti Mid-Life Crisis:

* I do not have a toupee or hair plugs.
* I do not use Rogaine, Propecia, Alopecia or Alouette.
* I am not trying to date persons aged 23 or 24 years, whether I work with them or not.
* I do not dye my hair, and have not since 1999.
* The clothes I bought at American Eagle were cargo shorts, not a hoodie or graphic t-shirt.
* I don't have and am not planning on getting any tattoos or body piercings.
* I have not bought or leased a sports car or motorcycle.
* I don't hang out in PB (I don't hang out at playgrounds either, but that is more of a Megan's Law thing).
* I don't take adrenaline vacations.
* If 40 is the new 20, then I am not at mid-life yet, unless the Big Man knows something I don't know. Like that 40 is Not the new 20.

What does all this mean? Well, let's feed these data into the Mid-Life Crisis Indicator Reader Interpreter Device Thingy:


Result: Inconclusive. More Data Needed.

So, who knows what the future holds? Viagra? (Well, if we are splitting hairs here, more Viagra?) An endless string of meaningless relationships wherein I use 21 year-old balls hot blonds for sex, and they use me for money? I can live with that.

In the Rear With the Gear

I have been fortunate enough to attend three weddings in the last two weekends. At one of these weddings, I was seated at the head table. At the other two I was seated not at the head table, but at a different table. Maybe better described as the "back" table. At another recent wedding, I was seated with the parents of the bride, who spoke little English. At least to me. I am sure they spoke perfect English but just decided to pretend not to, as a way to avoid actually speaking with me. It reminds me of the time I was in Ensenada and asked a girl to dance with me. She turned to me, looked me directly in the eye, and said "I don't speak English." Since I am bilingual (well, I'm bi-something, I can't always remember what though) I quickly replied "Quieres bailar conmigo?" To which she said, "No hablo espanol cualquier." ("I don't speak Spanish either.") I decided to ask her to dance in the International language, which looked a hell of a lot like Maverick and Goose "Communicating... keeping up foreign relations" in the opening scene of Top Gun. Speaking of "bi."


But am I so dangerous that I must be sequestered in the rear or otherwise taken out of commission? There are a couple of possible explanations for positioning me this way:

* Keep the paparazzi away from me to the extent possible
* Keep my new and improved hairstyle from upstaging the bride and/or groom
* Minimize the disruption / keep the older folks from being mortified when I organize boat races between tables
* Keep me near the bathroom on the chance I have a tequila shot that doesn't sit quite like it ought to

Admittedly these are valid concerns, some more (last two) than others (first two). But I miss the single table. Back when there were single people at weddings, there were single tables. I was pretty money at the single table. Not that I would want me around singles either, since that is a pretty good way to turn them off of the whole marriage concept.

I also miss the bouquet toss and the garter throw. I still do these around the house, so I guess I miss them more in the wedding context. I would assume the reason these have been discontinued from weddings is that they are somewhat embarassing to the three people that are still single, especially those that have been dating someone for eight years with no proposal in sight. An alternate and equally likely explanation is that there were a few too many injuries resulting from fights over the bouquet after it was learned that I am a single man.

Current wedding trend that I am for: a friend becoming an internet-licensed minister for one day, and having that friend act as the priest, officiant, person who says "Do you? Do you? Kiss her." Current wedding trend I am against: giving the minister job to a marginally insane friend, along with a Franciscan monk robe and a battle axe.

Brush it Like Beckham

It started out with a simple comment, on Polk street, circa 2003. Didn't think anything of it at the time:

"[Name of Mutual Friend]'s going pretty quickly." - G$
"Yeah, glad I don't have that problem." - JW
"I don't know about that..." - G$

More recently:

"I wouldn't really change anything on the face, but there is a little receding going on..." - "Jill" (San Diego chick) early 2007

"The celebrity people say you look like is probably Vince Vaughn." - Online date chick, July 2007

Now, THAT was interesting. The celebrities I've been compared to are Marc Anthony, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Jim Carrey. Never heard Vince before.

There was also hard evidence. I never really looked at this evidence, but it was there all along:

The San Juan bachelor party really hammered the point home though:


Dude is losing his hair! I knew I was having grey hair issues, but since people have been pointing out my grey hairs to me since college, I am actually pretty pleased that it has advanced as slowly as it has. But this other thing, THIS is an issue. I really only see myself from the front in the mirror, and I've always had a high forehead, so I didn't know this was going on. This is something that happens to other people, not to me. WHY THE HELL WASN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THIS?!?!?

Can anything be done? I mean, besides a change in career:


Unfortunately I can't sing a lick, so I guess that's out. And yes, that is me as "Fat Elvis." Smartasses.

Luckily, there is another option. (Well, according to the internet, there are several options, including the Bruce Willis "Die Hard" look.) There just so happens to be an international sensation who has the same issues, and who has popularized a hairstyle that happens to be perfect for the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the $250 million man, David Beckham!


Can I get away with a "fauxhawk" like Becks can? So far, no one has said a thing. I don't think anyone will even notice the difference in hairstyle. That is, unless I do something stupid like post pictures of the new look on a blog.


As Borat might say, Success! Granted, I am looking pretty rough, but the photo was taken on a Sunday morning when I was out until 4am the night before (and nice beginning of a double chin there, fatass. Luckily I am trending away from that right now). I think the look is "professional" enough to wear at work, and my hair wasn't really cut to do this, so the look will improve over time. I was due for a hairstyle change anyway. So, problem (temporarily) solved, though I fear this may be the first step down a dark road that I may not want to travel.

Backside to the Future

I received an interesting e-mail today. It was from Marci812. The subject line read: "21/f... You wanna chat?" Based on the e-mail, I gather that Marci is new to town and thought she'd trying something new to meet people. She's a little nervous to be on there but she figures you only live once. If I get bored, I am to cum find her.

This is really similar to an e-mail I received from Lisa2981. In fact, it was exactly the same! Verbatim! And they both came from the same e-mail address: return@www.paid-product1.com! I bet you these two hotties are roommates, and they're too poor to afford their own e-mail addresses! They're probably desperate and would do anything for money! I am seeing a threesome in my future - JW, Marci812 and Lisa2981. Sweet!

But there is, as always, a catch. You see, Marci's e-mail is dated August 1, 2037. That e-mail won't even be sent for another 30 years, and if Marci812 sent it today, she did so when she was -9 years old! I haven't brushed up on my statutory rape law, but I am assuming sex with a -9 year old is against some kind of law, like maybe the laws of physics.

Now I'm afraid I'm going to end up disappointing Marci and Lisa. Regardless of the advances that are made in Viagra technology between now and 2037, I am just not certain that at age 65 I will be able to keep up with these two girls. The only logical thing to do is fill up a DeLorean with some plutonium, accelerate to 88 MPH and travel forward 30 years into Marci and Lisa's waiting arms. And someone does park a DeLorean in my parking structure. This is foolproof...

The Curse

I have this idea in my head about how my fantasy drafts go. Specifically, it seems like the first pitcher I take always shits the bed. Since CBS Sportsline keeps track of several years' worth of drafts, let's have a look and see if this fantasy postulate holds true.

Year: 2002
Team: Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin'

First pitcher taken: Chan Ho Park (3rd round)
Prior year stats: 1.17 WHIP, 3.50 ERA, 15-11, 8.5 K/9

Comment: Park was signed by the Rangers as a free agent for some ludicrous amount like $15M per year for 5 years. I figured his ERA would rise a bit, but so would his win total since the Rangers had a much more potent offense. I was right about the rise in ERA at least. Ended up at 9-8 with a 5.75 ERA, and did not even attempt any flying scissor-kicks on opposing pitchers.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2003
Team: A Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen

First pitcher taken: Robb Nen (4th round)
Prior year stats: 1.14 WHIP, 2.20 ERA, 6-2, 43 saves, 9.9 K/9

Comment: Nen was coming off an All-Star year. He was also coming off shoulder surgery, and didn't pitch an inning that year, after reports in spring training that he was fine. It seems that Dusty Baker blew out Nen's arm while the Giants blew the 2002 World Series to the Angels. Should have been tipped off by the fact that the radar gun was off when he appeared in the final exhibition games, at Pac Bell Park.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2004
Team: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

First pitcher taken: Kerry Wood (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.19 WHIP, 3.20 ERA, 14-11, 11.3 K/9

Comment: The two previous years were injury-free, but those were Dusty Baker "Leave 'em out there until their arms fall off" years. Wood got hurt in 2004 and ended up at 8-9, 3.72. For further evidence of the Dusty Baker Effect, see Prior, Mark (2002 - present). Oh, what I would have given to achieve healthy Wood in 2004.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2005
Team: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Draft Picks

First pitcher taken: Curt Schilling (1st round)
Prior year stats: 1.06 WHIP, 3.26 ERA, 21-6, 8.1 K/9

Comment: This fat fuck was coming off the "bloody sock" games of the playoffs and World Series, but was expected to be ready in time for the season. He was. If you consider 1.53 WHIP, 5.69 ERA, 8-8, 9 saves, 8.4 K/9 to be "ready." I was "ready" to punch my TV and/or computer monitor many times that year. Plus, Doug Mirabelli admitted that the blood on the sock was actually paint, so that obviously means that Schilling wasn't injured in 2005, but that he intentionally tanked to destroy my fantasy league chances. Yet another example of Curt being an asshole in a world filled with such examples.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2006
Team: Operation Shutdown

First pitcher taken: Bartolo Colon (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.16 WHIP, 3.48 ERA, 21-8, 6.3 K/9, Cy Young award

Comment: This fat fuck was injured in the World Baseball Classic and stunk up the joint to the tune of 1-5, 5.11 ERA before mercifully being shut down. Note that I was picking at the end of the 2nd round, and my first pick in the 3rd round was Rich Harden, who pitched well when he did pitch but was pretty much a similarly spectacular failure on the whole.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2007
Team: Don Imus's Nappy Headed Hos

First pitcher taken: Jason Schmidt (6th round)
Prior year stats: 1.26 WHIP, 3.59 ERA, 11-9, 7.6 K/9

Comment: This other fat fuck came out of spring training throwing 84 MPH, and ended up making 6 starts (1-4, 1.79 WHIP, 6.31 ERA) before being shut down for season-ending shoulder surgery. At least he raised his K/9 to 7.7, the ungrateful prick. And the joke is on him, since I traded him for Julio Lugo right before he was shut down. Actually, the joke might still be on me for making that trade.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Overall First Pitcher Shitting the Bed Percentage: 100%. The Curse is legit!

Note to self: Don't draft pitchers.
Footnote to self: If you must draft pitchers, draft Yankee pitchers.