The Musical Fruit

I have been going to the gym again. Last night I decided I would just set my iPod to "Shuffle Songs" and let it go - no fast forwarding, no skipping songs, just listening to every song that was randomly chosen. Here is the (terrifying) list:

Public Enemy "Can't Truss It"
Spice Girls "Wannabe"
Bud Light Presents Real American Heroes "Mr. Inspirational Poster Writer"
Rogue Wave "California"
Movie Soundtrack "Theme from Fargo"
Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"
T-Pain "I'm In Love With a Stripper"
Simon & Garfunkel "The Boxer"
Pat McGee Band "Walking in Memphis"
Dave Matthews Band "The Space Between Us"
Radiohead "Street Spirit"
Destiny's Child "Bootylicious"
Beethoven "Symphony No. 9"
Kid Rock "So Hot!"
TV Theme Song "The A Team"
Def Leppard "Armageddon It"
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony "Crossroads"
Shania Twain "Man! I Feel Like a Woman"
Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten"
REM "Man on the Moon"
Akon featuring Snoop Dogg "I Wanna F*ck You"
Van Halen "Love Walks In"
Third Eye Blind "Jumper (Acoustic)"
Jane's Addiction "Jane Says"

Not exactly the soundtrack to "Pumping Iron" but maybe the soundtrack to "Pumping 10-Year Old Malaysian Boys." I think fitness expert and noted heterosexual Richard Simmons says it best:


I guess some of those songs aren't tragic. But a lot of them are. When the hell did a gay man hijack my iPod??? At least no Cher or Celine Dion was played. I am not saying there never is, I am just saying there wasn't any this time. But its not like you jackals don't have some embarassing sh!t on your iPods. Right?

Me needs to make some playlists ASAP.

Super Bowl XLII: A Photo Essay

So... I headed on over to Arizona for Super Bowl XLII, between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. I know everyone hates the Patriots and wanted them to lose, but they are my favorite sports team and I took the loss pretty hard. Forgetting for a moment any illegal videotaping activities (my own at my place of employment, as well as the Patriots' filming of other teams' signals and/or practices), I feel like I can still root for the Pats and feel good about it because of the salary cap and the NFL draft - unlike baseball, the Pats can't just outspend other teams, or draft players other teams can't draft because they can't meet the player's salary demands, in order to field a superior team. It just feels more "fair," no matter what you think about coach Bill Betamax (my original joke - I just made that up).

I took a few pictures while I was there. I took these pictures with my cell phone, and my cell phone doesn't have a flash, so most of the pictures didn't turn out so good. Not that bad pictures should be surprising, I am the guy who traveled to Italy and used a cell phone camera while I was there to chronicle my trip. I did this because I am an idiot. At least the current camera has a resolution of more than one megapixel. My brother had a "real" digital camera with him, but he has yet to share the photos with me. For instance, Glendale, where the stadium is, is way in the hell out in the middle of nowhere, about 35 minutes from Phoenix. As we were cabbing out to the stadium on Sunday, we had to pull to the side to make way for the Giants' motorcade - two buses with obviously huge dudes on them, surrounded by about eight police motorcycles. My brother got photos of this (they were on his side of the cab), I did not. It was the first of many times I got choked up this day, as going to the Super Bowl was a really big deal for me. Maybe seeing the Giants bus was a bad omen. In any event, let's get to the photos:

Here are a couple of shots of the Miller Lite pregame party. There is a mall complex across the street from the stadium, with about 8 bars, 4 restaurants, and some sports clothes-type stores. The entire area was closed off and there were several beer vendors in the middle of the mall area. There are a lot more people there than it seems from the photos - you could move around the outside (where I was taking the pictures) but not the inside, and the beer lines were 25 minutes long. I've read that the fan mix at the game was about 50/50, but I would have put it at 65/35 Pats. Before we headed over to this party, we drank quarts of beer in the parking lot of the stadium. Just being there really did give me chills - for the most part it was worth the exorbitant price of admission.

(Incidentally, this was the only "official" Super Bowl party we went to... I had a friend who knows people working on getting us into the Maxim, EA Sports and NFL Players parties, but according to this friend there wasn't much he could do because I "can't really do any favors for any of these people." As they say, the Super Bowl has really been taken away from the fans.)

Allow me to introduce you to Bad Omen #2. This "flaggot" had on a Pats flag for a cape, a boa, and a gay-looking Pats sweater. It really was a sublime combination of arrogance and gayness. I did not speak with this man.

This is a picture of my brother at the pregame party. As you can see, he also likes the Pats. I wasn't quite this decked out - I had on a Ben Watson jersey underneath the gray hoodie Bill Betamax usually wears (I have not cut the sleeves out though - this is not an inexpensive hoodie). The hat he is wearing says something to the effect of "New England Patriots - Three Time Super Bowl Champs 2001, 2003, 2004." The bright side is that with the loss, my brother doesn't have to buy a new hat. (That is his joke, to give credit where credit is due.)

Here is the Super Bowl XLII "monument" inside the secured area around the stadium. There were a lot of street preachers telling people they would go to hell all weekend - maybe they were referring to the worship of false idols such as this one. As you can see, it was quite tall. We entered the stadium about an hour before kickoff, and the party that had been happening around this area was wrapping up so we just headed in to our seats.

Here are two somewhat attractive chicks who were sitting a few rows down from us. They had been working as promotions girls all weekend, and apparently were rewarded with tickets to the game. These girls were not the least bit interested in the game, and disppeared shortly after halftime - maybe they talked their way into a luxury box or something. As I think about it now, I should have gotten a shot of them with me or my brother, but I was shooting this picture in stealth mode. In any event, they both had big boobs.

This is a terrible photo of the halftime show. I was in the bathroom for the start of the show, but Tom Petty's band sounded really good. I was taken to a Petty concert in Walnut Creek by a couple of friends, and the band sounded way better this time. When I got back to my seat, the scene was pretty incredible - everyone had out these purple keychain lights they gave you. It was the best concert atmosphere I'd ever been in. Incidentally, the game was the best football atmosphere I'd ever been in - the energy before kickoff was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I usually am a Coughlin's law "never show surprise, never lose your cool" type of guy, but I was downright giddy to be there.

This is the Pats about to break the huddle on third and goal, late in the 4th quarter. The next play is the Brady to Moss TD pass. Our whole section went nuts when that happened - there was much high-fiving, crying and hugging to be done. Would have probably been the most fun day of my life had the game ended right there. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood to take any more pictures after this.

I haven't really watched any of the game since - I looked at the Tyree catch on Youtube (it was at the other end of the field so we couldn't see it well, even on the replay) as well as the Samuel missed INT (tougher play than it appeared in person), but I am a little embarassed to admit that I am still bothered by it a little bit. Being a fan of the Cal Bears and the Red Sox, I had gotten used to disappointment (regardless of the last few years - I don't like the Sox too much now that they are basically the Yankees), but I was invested emotionally, and I wasn't ready for this loss. Being a small town kid, I guess I never thought I'd go to a Super Bowl, and it was a bigger deal to me than I thought it would be.

What's In a Name?

Claire Standish: It's a family name.

John Bender: No... it's a fat girl's name.

-- The Breakfast Club, 1985

It seems like you can make assumptions about people based on their names. A guy named Poindexter is probably a dork. A guy named Blaine is probably rich, and an a-hole. A boy named Sue had a father who was a big Johnny Cash fan. A guy named Biff is probably a big dude. A guy named Samantha probably had a sex change operation. A girl named Sierra is probably a hippie, or a stripper. A girl named Dakota is definitely a stripper, and she lives about 8 blocks from my office. A girl named Jen, well, she could be anything. If you don't know a girl's name, you can't go wrong with Jen, and you'll be right about 25% of the time.

But, Mr. Bender up there has a point. Claire does sound like a fat girl's name. And if you were set up on a date with a girl named Ruth, you'd be less fired up than if you were set up on a date with a girl named Caitlin. Unless you are married, in which case I assume you would be fired up to be set up with anyone who is not your wife. Not that I have anything against the name Ruth, but that name sounds like you were set up with a 60-year old woman. In fact, a friend of mine (let's call him the Narcoleptic Jew) is married to a girl named Ruth. Perfectly lovely young woman, but you wouldn't guess that based on her name. Or maybe I just don't know what the f*ck I am talking about. Which means we are at Defcon 5 over here at TAP. Situation Normal.

Where is this leading? Where it always leads, it seems. I am going to post a list of the hottest chicks I can find who have names that don't sound hot.

The Hottest Elaine is... Elaine Daly!

Figure we'd lead off with a woman who shares the same name as my departed grandmother (or "Nana" as we called her). I am not saying my Nana was not a hot woman, but she really didn't hold much of a candle to the lovely Miss Daly. Elaine represented Malaysia in the 2004 Miss Universe pageant. Suprisingly, Elaine is 5'8". Surprising to me, anyway, since I figured the Malaysians were not a tall people. Then again, I only go to Malaysia for the 10-year old boys so what the hell do I know. You can catch Elaine on stage starring in Frogway the Musical. That is, if you can locate Frogway the Musical. Maybe try a dinner theater in Omaha. Note that the runner up here was Elaine Benes, who is (a) fictional and (b) not that hot. So there really is a dearth of hot Elaines out there. If you have a daughter and she is going to be hot, name her Elaine and there's a pretty good shot she'll be blogged about right here.

The Hottest Regina is... Regina Halmich!

Wow, this is tougher than I thought! There really aren't any hot Reginas out there, at least none that are reasonably well-known. There is a German Playmate named Regina Deutinger, but I can't find any pictures of her with clothes on and, as you know, this is a family blog with a focus on children (and especially 10-year old Malaysian boys). So I've chosen Regina Halmich, who is a former female boxer (she's a former boxer, not a former female) turned German TV personality. Regina went 54-1-1 as a boxer; however, she's 5'2" and 110lbs so I'm pretty sure she can't kick my ass. The runner up is marginally attractive American actress Regina Hall - she lost because I couldn't easily find pictures of her in her underwear.

The Hottest Claire is... Claire Forlani!

Finally, an attractive woman who you may actually have heard of makes the list! Claire hasn't been working all that much as of late, but she was in well-known films such as "Meet Joe Black" and "Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow." Currently she's in that stink bomb otherwise known as "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale." Not much to look at in the chestal region, though - here she's giving Keira "Dead Man's Chest" Knightley a run for her flat-chested money. Hell, she's got the chest of a 10-year old (Malaysian) boy. So come to think of it... hubba hubba!

The hottest Martha is... Martha MacIsaac!

Wait! She may look young, and play a high schooler in Superbad, but I assure you this girl is of legal ogling age. So put down the phone, no need to call the cops (not that you could count to 9-1-1 anyway). Besides, the FBI has been parked in a van across the street ever since the Miley Cyrus post (either that, or Cox cable's installation service has gotten even slower and more incompetent than when my cable was installed). So, no need to worry, law enforcement has the situation well in hand.

Now, I haven't seen Superbad so I don't know if this chick is actually hot. She looks kind of cute in the picture we have of her, but she is really nothing to write home or blog about. However, she does narrowly beat out Martha Julia. Martha Julia is known for playing a villainess on the Mexican soap opera Destillando Amor. Well, she would be known for that if she were actually "known." Though we all know we've been flipping through the channels, and had to go back to one we changed quickly because we saw a hot chick on that channel. And even before you get back to the channel with the hot chick, it registers with you that the channel was Telemundo or Univision. Anyway, click here to see what you're missing, and what Spanish Maxim is not missing. Mmmm, Spanish Maxim... Sexo! Soccer! Tiburones! Golpizas! Moda!

The hottest Ruth is... Ruth Martin!

My aunt is named Ruth Martin, but I am pleased not to be related to this woman right here. With apologies to my aunt and to Mrs. Narcoleptic Jew, Ruth Wilson appears to be the hottest Ruth on the 'net. She is a British chick, and she generally appears in British-type TV shows where the women carry umbrellas and wear corsets and drink tea and eat crumpets and otherwise do British crap. Ruth is also a "voice talent," meaning she and her handlers realize she probably isn't hot enough to get by on looks alone. According to her website, Ruth is a female actress in her 20s who is "Fresh, smiley and engaging." Her style is "Recognisable, cool, credible, natural, girl next door, warm, sexy, husky (light)." Now, I am no Thesaurus but it seems to me that a lot of those words have conflicting meanings. I mean, isn't husky the exact opposite of light? I know a few girls who are husky and who think they are light. You know what you call a girl who is husky and who thinks she is light? That's right, husky.

So, the moral of the story is that none of these chicks really knock my socks off. This lends credence to my theory that girls whose names don't sound "hot" are generally not hot. Most likely, hot chicks who would be famous enough to make it to the internet changed their names long ago to sound hotter and be noticed.