Actually, I've filled December 2007 and the first part of 2008 with two primary activities: attempting to pile chicks (and sometimes succeeding, the over/under line has been set for 2008 at "7". Bet the over. Trust me on this one) and playing this video game. Come to think of it, anyone who plays that video game ain't getting laid anytime soon. What the captain meant to say was "bet the under."
After the Jenna 6 post, I was somewhat terrified to learn that the Jenna that had claimed the top spot in my poll now looks like this. You mean acting in porn movies can prematurely age a girl? Really? Who knew? I mean, besides anyone who's ever watched porn? When it comes to rating the hotness of chicks named Jenna, this was a miscalculation on the scale of the Bay of Pigs invasion. I fear I may have lost some credibility. Which puts me squarely in the negative on the credibility scale. A Credibility Gap, if you will.
How to redeem myself? Well, this post was inspired by the Jenna 6 post (getting inspiration from my own original material? I think that is a circular equation that would probably make my head explode if I thought about it for too long). This isn't really about "Hannah and Her Sisters," which was a Woody Allen film that I never saw. And it is not about someone named Hannah and her sisters, be they of the biological, religious, or Canadian variety. Rather, this is another ranking of the attractiveness of chicks, the common thread being that these are all named Hannah. See, in the Jenna 6 post, the chicks were all named Jenna, and in this one... well, you'll catch on soon enough. Like 15 seconds ago.
Oddly, it was more difficult to find reasonably well-known chicks named Hannah than it was to find Jennas. However, I persevered, as I one day aspire to be published in Maxim Online, or linked to by Hot Clicks. Who are we kidding? All I really want is for my site's weekly "hit" report to come back with a number other than zero. Anyhoo, here's the Hannahs:
7. Hannah Storm
I am vaguely familiar with Hannah Storm from her days with ESPN. I think she maybe works for NBC now, possibly as a sideline announcer for Sunday NBA games or something like that. I really don't know. What I do know is that, for a 45-year old chick, Hannah Storm is kind of hot. Not unbelievably hot, and probably not even "I hope my wife is that hot when she is 45" hot, but definitely hot for a cougar, if you were trolling for a cougar, say, in Del Mar last Saturday night at the bar at Il Fornaio at 1 a.m. But we wouldn't know anything about that around here.
6. Hanna Barbera (accepting the award on behalf of Hanna Barbera is Judy Jetson)Did you know there is an entire website dedicated to Jetsons hentai? Hentai, for those of you who pretend not to know, is erotic cartoons, generally of the Japanese variety, often featuring bondage and oversized genitalia. So, hentai pretty much describes my sex life, except for the oversized genitalia, the Japanese, bondage, or actually having sex. And for the record, it does not take from November 27 to January 15 to build a Jetsons hentai site. I was finished days ago.
5. Hannah Montana
Hannah Montana, aka Miley Cyrus, is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, and proof that the no-talent gene is hereditary. Here are some interesting facts: Hannah was born November 23, 1992. "Achy Breaky Heart" hit the top of the country charts on May 30, 1992. So, it seems pretty clear that as ABH was picking up steam, Billy Ray boned some groupie of his, and now we've got Hannah to show for it. Hannah is now 15 years old, and like the rest of you I often dream about the day she turns 15 1/2 and gets her learner's permit, and she drives me over to Dave & Busters for some Skee Ball and inappropriate touching... wait a minute, she's only 15 you sick f*cks! I can't believe you dream about stuff like that! What's next for you, Jetsons hentai porn? I leave you now with some of my musical stylings:
(To the tune of "Achy Breaky Heart")
Please don't tell the cops
'bout this blog entry
I just don't think they'd understand.
'Cause if you tell the cops
'bout this blog entry
they might come and arrest this man.
4. Daryl HannahOK, this chick was smoking hot in the '80s and early '90s (e.g. "Splash," "Wall Street," "Memoirs of an Invisible Man") but the pinnacle of her career was probably her supporting role in the vastly underrated 1999 film "Speedway Junky." You see, SJ was produced by Miracle Entertainment, a company dedicated to producing quality motion pictures for worldwide distribution, and a company in which myself and several friends invested during something that was called the "Dot Com" era. Just have a look at the charts for this baby! And they said I was a fool for going long on this stock. Do me a favor and rent the movie, will you? And let me know when you're about to do it - when the stock moves $0.0001, I need to be ready to sell. This blog ain't paying for itself, you know.
3. Hannah Rory
Hannah is a 20-year old part time Playboy model (think Book of Lingerie and other Newsstand Specials, not an actual playmate). Why does she make the list? Well, for starters she is pretty cute. But there is more to like about Hannah on her Myspace page. For instance, she is single, she smokes and drinks, her occupation is "being fabulous," and if she laughs so hard she pees her pants it was a gooooood movie! She's got some hot Myspace friends, and she's also got some "casual" pics on her Myspace page, but you need to be a Myspace member to access those. And I know none of my readers have Myspace pages, because I have none readers. Not that I can blame them; hell, even I quit reading my page after my most recent hiatus. Why is this Hannah famous? Well, I think she's about to surpass the Myspace record for most times rejecting a Myspace friend request from someone named "Johnnie Cleveland" who is using my picture on his Myspace profile. I actually have some genius Myspace standup comedy that I'm honing for this year's Van Looney comedy showdown, but that is a story for another time. Like maybe my next post, which should go up sometime in January 2009.
2. Hannah TanHannah Tan placed 3rd in the Miss Global Petite World Finals, but I have a feeling she places a little higher than that in the hearts of two people I know - let's combine their names and refer to them as "Slim Shay-D." Hannah T also does some singing and songwriting so she might actually be talented (but so does Paris Hilton, so Hannah T also might not). Besiders her boobies, I can't really think of anything else that is interesting about Hannah T, so unless you are infected with the flavivirus, it's time to move on.
1. Hannah Harper
Hannah is single-handedly proving that there are hot British chicks in this world. Not sure if you can tell from the photo, but Hannah is an adult film actress (also known in the vernacular as a "porn star") so if you want to see more of Hannah it is not difficult to do. Hannah is probably my favourite adult film actress, and I have seen more of Hannah in person. Turns out we were at this bachelor party in Los Angeles, and after a long day of typical bachelor party activities (eating chili peppers, drinking beer, racing around cones while dribbling a soccer ball, blowing up balloons) and also playing poker, we decided to head to an adult establishment downtown where the bachelor in question had won a 42" plasma TV the night before. He did so by getting a lapdance - everyone who got one that night was given a raffle ticket. Anyway, signs around this establishment indicated that Hannah was set to perform there later that night, and I got excited about this... here was my chance to see the flesh of one my idols in the flesh! As I was waiting, I noticed one of the dancers at this establishment walking around in a leather nurse's outfit, and thought she was pretty cute. Turns out that was my girl Hannah! Anyhow, you haven't lived until you've met a person you've only known from the movies, and given that person a $1 bill.
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