What's In a Name?

Claire Standish: It's a family name.

John Bender: No... it's a fat girl's name.

-- The Breakfast Club, 1985

It seems like you can make assumptions about people based on their names. A guy named Poindexter is probably a dork. A guy named Blaine is probably rich, and an a-hole. A boy named Sue had a father who was a big Johnny Cash fan. A guy named Biff is probably a big dude. A guy named Samantha probably had a sex change operation. A girl named Sierra is probably a hippie, or a stripper. A girl named Dakota is definitely a stripper, and she lives about 8 blocks from my office. A girl named Jen, well, she could be anything. If you don't know a girl's name, you can't go wrong with Jen, and you'll be right about 25% of the time.

But, Mr. Bender up there has a point. Claire does sound like a fat girl's name. And if you were set up on a date with a girl named Ruth, you'd be less fired up than if you were set up on a date with a girl named Caitlin. Unless you are married, in which case I assume you would be fired up to be set up with anyone who is not your wife. Not that I have anything against the name Ruth, but that name sounds like you were set up with a 60-year old woman. In fact, a friend of mine (let's call him the Narcoleptic Jew) is married to a girl named Ruth. Perfectly lovely young woman, but you wouldn't guess that based on her name. Or maybe I just don't know what the f*ck I am talking about. Which means we are at Defcon 5 over here at TAP. Situation Normal.

Where is this leading? Where it always leads, it seems. I am going to post a list of the hottest chicks I can find who have names that don't sound hot.

The Hottest Elaine is... Elaine Daly!

Figure we'd lead off with a woman who shares the same name as my departed grandmother (or "Nana" as we called her). I am not saying my Nana was not a hot woman, but she really didn't hold much of a candle to the lovely Miss Daly. Elaine represented Malaysia in the 2004 Miss Universe pageant. Suprisingly, Elaine is 5'8". Surprising to me, anyway, since I figured the Malaysians were not a tall people. Then again, I only go to Malaysia for the 10-year old boys so what the hell do I know. You can catch Elaine on stage starring in Frogway the Musical. That is, if you can locate Frogway the Musical. Maybe try a dinner theater in Omaha. Note that the runner up here was Elaine Benes, who is (a) fictional and (b) not that hot. So there really is a dearth of hot Elaines out there. If you have a daughter and she is going to be hot, name her Elaine and there's a pretty good shot she'll be blogged about right here.

The Hottest Regina is... Regina Halmich!

Wow, this is tougher than I thought! There really aren't any hot Reginas out there, at least none that are reasonably well-known. There is a German Playmate named Regina Deutinger, but I can't find any pictures of her with clothes on and, as you know, this is a family blog with a focus on children (and especially 10-year old Malaysian boys). So I've chosen Regina Halmich, who is a former female boxer (she's a former boxer, not a former female) turned German TV personality. Regina went 54-1-1 as a boxer; however, she's 5'2" and 110lbs so I'm pretty sure she can't kick my ass. The runner up is marginally attractive American actress Regina Hall - she lost because I couldn't easily find pictures of her in her underwear.

The Hottest Claire is... Claire Forlani!

Finally, an attractive woman who you may actually have heard of makes the list! Claire hasn't been working all that much as of late, but she was in well-known films such as "Meet Joe Black" and "Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow." Currently she's in that stink bomb otherwise known as "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale." Not much to look at in the chestal region, though - here she's giving Keira "Dead Man's Chest" Knightley a run for her flat-chested money. Hell, she's got the chest of a 10-year old (Malaysian) boy. So come to think of it... hubba hubba!

The hottest Martha is... Martha MacIsaac!

Wait! She may look young, and play a high schooler in Superbad, but I assure you this girl is of legal ogling age. So put down the phone, no need to call the cops (not that you could count to 9-1-1 anyway). Besides, the FBI has been parked in a van across the street ever since the Miley Cyrus post (either that, or Cox cable's installation service has gotten even slower and more incompetent than when my cable was installed). So, no need to worry, law enforcement has the situation well in hand.

Now, I haven't seen Superbad so I don't know if this chick is actually hot. She looks kind of cute in the picture we have of her, but she is really nothing to write home or blog about. However, she does narrowly beat out Martha Julia. Martha Julia is known for playing a villainess on the Mexican soap opera Destillando Amor. Well, she would be known for that if she were actually "known." Though we all know we've been flipping through the channels, and had to go back to one we changed quickly because we saw a hot chick on that channel. And even before you get back to the channel with the hot chick, it registers with you that the channel was Telemundo or Univision. Anyway, click here to see what you're missing, and what Spanish Maxim is not missing. Mmmm, Spanish Maxim... Sexo! Soccer! Tiburones! Golpizas! Moda!

The hottest Ruth is... Ruth Martin!

My aunt is named Ruth Martin, but I am pleased not to be related to this woman right here. With apologies to my aunt and to Mrs. Narcoleptic Jew, Ruth Wilson appears to be the hottest Ruth on the 'net. She is a British chick, and she generally appears in British-type TV shows where the women carry umbrellas and wear corsets and drink tea and eat crumpets and otherwise do British crap. Ruth is also a "voice talent," meaning she and her handlers realize she probably isn't hot enough to get by on looks alone. According to her website, Ruth is a female actress in her 20s who is "Fresh, smiley and engaging." Her style is "Recognisable, cool, credible, natural, girl next door, warm, sexy, husky (light)." Now, I am no Thesaurus but it seems to me that a lot of those words have conflicting meanings. I mean, isn't husky the exact opposite of light? I know a few girls who are husky and who think they are light. You know what you call a girl who is husky and who thinks she is light? That's right, husky.

So, the moral of the story is that none of these chicks really knock my socks off. This lends credence to my theory that girls whose names don't sound "hot" are generally not hot. Most likely, hot chicks who would be famous enough to make it to the internet changed their names long ago to sound hotter and be noticed.