Guys in Black Shirts

Contrary to popular belief, I often am an easygoing guy. However, there is something that pisses me off - it happened again today, and happens a few times each month. That "something" is when a person prevents the elevator doors from closing, holding up everyone on the elevator so they can board it. There are three elevators that serve one side of the building (seven floors) and four elevators that serve the other side (ten floors). But it's not that these bastards can't be bothered to wait for the next elevator (though these are also likely the jackasses that hold train doors open) that really gets my goat, however. It is the fact that, invariably, the person says "sorry" when they do it. Sorry? You're really sorry? Doesn't that imply that the act was accidental? You knew damn well when you stuck your arm between the closing elevator doors what was going to happen. It was an intentional act, and now you're sorry for it? I think not. What if I punch you in the face when you get on the elevator, and say "sorry"? That's something I meant to do also. I don't know that "sorry" makes it right. I'd prefer if you said "F-You" when you do this, because I can at least respect that, and isn't that what you were thinking in the first place? "I'm so important I have to get onto *this* elevator, and to hell with anyone that might already be on it. F-Them." I'm not sorry I didn't hold the doors open, I'm not sorry I was frantically pounding on the "close door" button as you approached the elevator, so don't be sorry when you defeat my efforts and make it onto the elevator. Tell me "F-You" because that's what I'm thinking when you get on (usually accompanied by an extended middle finger, be it via forehead scratch, or under my folded arms). EAD.

Not sure how I'm going to work this into my comedy routine. Currently, I am part of a nonexistent comedy duo called Guys in Black Shirts, who "performed" one night at the Seattle Comedy Underground to a mostly empty house, after hours and full of booze. The unfortunate part there was the fact that we took the stage without any prepared material. Since then, I've thought a bit about my material. Given another opportunity, I would try a few things. For instance, I've got an idea for a bit that plays off the TV Poker craze, and how the odds of winning the hand are displayed in the bottom left of the screen. The bit consists of how great it would be if the odds of success were displayed in the bottom left of your vision for everyday actions. So, I would start off with the example of getting laid. Walk over to a girl sitting in the front row. Say something like right now, just standing here, the Adonis that I am, I have an 85% chance of having sex with you tonight. Wait for audience response. Remark that, after looking at the guy she's with, the odds are up to 97%. Drop a line, "what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?" Check the odds - 60%, uh oh. "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first" - 25%, dammit! Time to walk away. Then address the audience - "now, wouldn't that be useful? I didn't waste any money buying drinks for some broad when she probably wasn't going to sleep with me. There are lots of situations that this would be useful in. For instance, had I checked the odds of this routine being funny, I'd have seen the 2% at the bottom of the screen, and just moved on."

Additional material - use the psychiatrist jokes, pretending that you're the patient, with mental problems. "I went to see my shrink, and I was wearing only cellophane shorts. The doctor says to me 'I can clearly see your nuts.' Went back to the doctor, when I thought I was invisible. The doctor told me he couldn't see me right then." Well, you get the point.

Then, transition to the fact that you don't have mental problems, but you actually do have an embarassing problem. Excessive flatulence. I mean, its a really bad problem. If I were a boxer, I'd be Gaseous Clay. If I were president, I'd be Abraham Stinkin'. If I were a video game console in the late 1970's, I'd be Insmellavision. If I were in a boy band, we'd be N'Stink. Actually, there might not be a lot of mileage here. I'll need to consider it further.

Bienvenidos a mi mundo. Sorry. Or, if you prefer, F-You.