First off, I once again thank my lucky stars that Kark Hungus is not blogging, because he would tear apart both steaming piles of monkey crap that are my two otherwise most recent posts. Amazing how far one will go for a "Benny! Screwwwww Youuuuuu!" joke.
Tomorrow, Fettkreig 2 begins. The War on Fat. 2. It is handy knowing when a war is going to begin. For instance, it would have been nice to know when the Germans were going to bomb Pearl Harbor. Forget it - I'm rolling.
Fettkrieg 2 needs a subtitle. The obvious joke is Fettkrieg 2: Electric Boogaloo. However, the obvious joke is not the funny joke. Fettkrieg 2: The Wrath of Flan is the funny joke.
I am not optimistic about my chances at winning FK2:TWOF. One reason is that I do not have as much room to improve as I did during the first Fettkrieg, which I will call Fatman Begins. During Fatman Begins, I lost 22 pounds, showed up at the finals at a pretty toned 199, and didn't come within shouting distance of the top 3. I ended up winning the Mr. Congeniality award. No one can tell me with a straight face that any competition in which I win the Mr. F-ing Congeniality award does not have serious flaws in its scoring system. I was jobbed, I deserved at least third place, and I will go to my grave knowing that.
Besides judging that makes the officiating at a Duke home college basketball appear fair and balanced, a reason I am not optimistic is that I live in SD, away from my fellow competitors. So, I will not see them sitting on their increasingly fatter asses, drinking white Russians made with whole milk and eating mini corn dogs, and generally procrastinating until the last month. Normally, such a sight would inspire me to redouble my efforts. Though to be fair, a redoubling of my efforts probably amounts to something just shy of a normal person's effort.
Another reason I am not optimistic is the food at my office. My practice group has donuts or bagels at least twice a week, and has a birthday cake or pie every two or three weeks. The worst part is that these donuts/bagels/cakes all live in the otherwise empty cubicle outside my office. So, I can see the food at all times if I look up from my desk, and I must walk past the food to go anywhere else in the building. I do not feel it will be a problem to ignore the food once the competition starts, however. If any of the jackals that are in the competition stumble across this blog and want to test me, e-mail me and I will send you my work address. Go ahead and have some pizzas, hot fudge sundaes, bratwursts delivered, whatever. I will instruct my assistant to watch me, and if I so much as have one bite, she will tell you and I will pay for whatever you sent over.
SD can also be an advantage, though. I don't know if the secret is out yet, but this city has beaches and some serious talent. Seeing as how I haven't had a girlfriend since I moved to SD, you'd think I might be motivated to work out so I can go acquire one of these bikini-clad beach megababes. If fact, that would probably motivate me, if I weren't so gosh-darned lazy. More good news for the competitors - I just got the phone number of a girl I've been wanting to ask out for awhile, and I think she's into it. So, if my motivation was already on life support, Dr. Jack Kevorkian just walked into my motivation's hospital room during an Enron-sponsored statewide brownout. Hilarity ensues.
Another advantage I've got is that my chest is currently shaved. It was not my choice, but it is shaved nonetheless. Abercrombie models shave their chests (at least, the ones I've dated do), and girls seem to like the way Abercrombie models look. So it stands to reason that girls might rate a guy with a shaved chest higher in the competition. Though I'm not sure how one would score in the final posedown if one's posedown routine consisted entirely of scratching the stubble on one's chest.
Third advantage: Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix, with dance pad, for Xbox 360.
So, what will my strategy be? I've learned that the raw weight loss number isn't important, and the "before" pictures aren't that important. Looking your best at the end is what is important, and I think I lost too much weight last time. Since Fatman Begins, I've added and managed to keep some additional muscle mass, most notably in the arms. So, if I can keep that size, and lose, say 8 pounds instead of 20, I may have a shot at this thing. I know if I start packing protein and lifting, and don't go on the Atkins diet, I can put on size pretty quickly. Realistically, I think I could gain 10 pounds of muscle from April to August. The key will be to time the Atkins diet so I reach the target weight at the end of the competition. Last summer I embarked on something of a solo-Fettkrieg and ended up losing too much weight then as well, to the point where my coworkers thought I had contracted some sort of life-threatening illness. Our reception used to ask me if I was trying out for the lead role in the Machinist. But if I can show up at a pumped up 210, rather than a too-skinny 199, I might be able to factor into this thing.
I think the FK2:TWOF organizers recognize that I could be a threat. It was brilliant strategy by them to recruit me as keeper of the pictures. First off, they know I blog, and will probably spend significant time building a FK2 website that could be better spent lifting. Second, they know I will probably spend significant time with the "before" pictures that could be better spent lifting (though to be fair, I will at least be breaking a sweat in this second case). They are mistaken regarding the first case.
Other news: Going on my first online date this week. Cute girl, soccer player, seems normal. Will let you know how it goes, blog parental guidance rating permitting.
And here is a video you need to watch now, if not sooner:
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
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