Taxi!

Thought I'd do some writing while I ponder why Don Imus doesn't have a job while Dennis Nifong does. If (a) I was willing to do any thinking before writing this blog; (b) this blog was about relevant social issues and not just my self-indulgent crap; and (c) every other jackass with an online column wasn't already writing something about Mr. Imus, I might take time to comment about that.

This blog entry is about paratransit. This was a word we used in my econ classes at Berkeley. Basically, it means "for hire" transportation that does not follow a fixed route. An example might be those fake trolleys that drive around Union Street in SF, stopping at various bars. You know, the ones with 25 jackass dudes, a keg, and two beat chicks the 25 guys managed to pick up at the last bar the trolley stopped at (likely the Bus Stop). Another example might be a bus hired to take a group of guys to and from a college football game, or from a baseball game to an adult establishment. The most obvious example of paratransit, however, is the taxicab. Like the one driven by Mr. Travis Bickle, pictured.

Living in San Francisco, one can get a bit spoiled by the taxicab situation. They are readily available, and my taxi rides in San Francisco have generally been short ones, say 15 minutes at most (or at least, the trip should have taken 15 minutes). That probably had something to do with the fact that I wouldn't venture much further than North Beach or the occasional trip to whatever they're calling the baseball stadium these days. There is also the issue of getting a cab to come to the Presidio - I'd say they showed up about 40% of the time - but for the most part, once you are in a normal part of town (for the record, "normal part of town" does not include outside of the Lone Palm) you can pretty much step into the street, raise your hand, and you'll have a cab within a couple of minutes. Pretty handy.

Getting a cab to come to my place in La Jolla is similar to getting one to go to the Presidio. If you arrange for the cab 24 hours in advance, they'll generally show up. However, if you're not sure when you're leaving, or if you need a cab without giving notice (if, for instance, someone wants to go home late at night), there's a pretty good chance you just ain't getting a cab.

To remedy this, I've tried to develop relationships with cab drivers here. They get a little pissed when you ask them to drive to La Jolla from downtown at 2am on a weekend. This is because they won't get back downtown until 3am or so, at which point there are far fewer fares for them. So, I pretty much excessively overtip the driver, and I now have the cell phone numbers of a couple of drivers, so I can bypass the "hold time" and just speak with the driver directly. Now, when I need a cab, I'll call one of these guys, they're usually happy to come get me, and more importantly, they know where I live. The added convenience and reliability is well worth the extra $10 or so I give them above a "normal" tip. Though I feel very Cyrus-like when I do this. Not modern-day Cyrus. Maybe Cyrus circa-1998.

On my last trip to SF, I left my cell phone in the cab when I was dropped off at the airport. Had it been some random cab, I'm pretty sure I would never have seen the phone again. But this was one of "my guys," a fella by the name of Luufti. So I called the phone and Luufti answered it. He apologized that he could not bring the phone back to me before my flight left, as he had picked up a fare at the airport and was headed to Mexico, but said he would hang on to the phone and return it to me when I got back. So, Sunday rolls around, and I call his cell phone, and leave a message. I give him my flight information, and tell him I'll be needing a ride home from the airport, and ask if he can pick me up.

When I arrive at the airport, I walk outside to spot a landmark, so I can call and tell Luufti where he can pick me up. At this point, I don't even know if the dude will show up, and if I've wasted about $50 in overtips. But as I'm getting my bearings, one of the slow moving cabs starts honking its horn, and its my guy. So, I get into the cab, recollect my phone, and we're off. Dude tells me he doesn't have a license to make pickups at the airport, so he's been circling the airport looking for me outside. Pretty cool. (But how did he get the Mexico fare?)

So, that was a good cab experience. But they are not all good experiences. So, enough of this Reader's Digest, "triumph of the human-cabbie spirit" BS. Let's talk cab drivers. In fact, let's talk stereotypes and cab drivers. Note that this is a nonexhaustive list - and I know I am missing a few.

1. The guy who intentionally takes the slowest route. This might be the "main" route, but that doesn't make it right. This is the jackass that will take Van Ness at 5:30pm, when everyone knows Franklin, Gough, or a number of other choices would be much faster. As a cab driver, I'm sure he knows this. It is his job to know. Which leads us to...

2. The guy who gets all pissed off if you question his route. There are a couple of ways you can do this. One way might be to ask "do you think there might be less traffic on Battery, instead of going down Columbus and through Chinatown?" Another way, which I will refer to as the BRD Method, is to ask "are you intentionally taking the slowest route? I mean, are you trying to take as long as possible to get to the destination?" Either way, the response is generally unfavorable. The guy I hate even more, though, is...

3. The guy who kicks you out of his cab because you are farting up a storm in the back seat. Man is that an inconvenience. And its like he immediately calls all his friends, or otherwise somehow flags you as the farting guy. Impossible to get a cab after that.

4. Then there is the guy who doesn't speak. This is a little creepy. They just look at you when you get into the cab, and don't say anything the entire time. When the trip is over, they'll usually tell you the fare, but that is the extent of communications. Just a little awkward all around.

5. There is also the guy who has five kids to feed who ends up being a spy for Cohaagen and trying to run you over in a Martian drilling machine. Pretty much the only way to deal with this guy is to grab a handheld drilling device, disable his drilling machine, and then to drill a hole through the machine's door and through the driver himself. The driver might have a mutant limb, but don't let that fool you, he is working for the other side. Certainly don't try the overtipping thing with him - you'll be wasting your money.

6. There's also the guy who is on his cell phone the whole time. It could be that he is talking to some of his overtipping regular passengers, and arranging to pick them up later in the day. However, I think this is unlikely, because the cabbie's cell phone conversations are always in a language I can't even begin to comprehend. I mean, I can speak some Spanish and some English but I can't pick any words out of these conversations. I am pretty sure they're speaking the Greedo language. They're probably talking about driving the La Jolla jackass in the back seat out to a shallow hole in the desert.

7. Then there is the "female" driver. "Female" is probably best defined here as "not male." I don't mind having this chick drive me around, I was just expecting that it would be in an 18 wheeler, not a cab, and I am sure as shootin' not going to arm wrestle this broad.