In the Rear With the Gear

I have been fortunate enough to attend three weddings in the last two weekends. At one of these weddings, I was seated at the head table. At the other two I was seated not at the head table, but at a different table. Maybe better described as the "back" table. At another recent wedding, I was seated with the parents of the bride, who spoke little English. At least to me. I am sure they spoke perfect English but just decided to pretend not to, as a way to avoid actually speaking with me. It reminds me of the time I was in Ensenada and asked a girl to dance with me. She turned to me, looked me directly in the eye, and said "I don't speak English." Since I am bilingual (well, I'm bi-something, I can't always remember what though) I quickly replied "Quieres bailar conmigo?" To which she said, "No hablo espanol cualquier." ("I don't speak Spanish either.") I decided to ask her to dance in the International language, which looked a hell of a lot like Maverick and Goose "Communicating... keeping up foreign relations" in the opening scene of Top Gun. Speaking of "bi."


But am I so dangerous that I must be sequestered in the rear or otherwise taken out of commission? There are a couple of possible explanations for positioning me this way:

* Keep the paparazzi away from me to the extent possible
* Keep my new and improved hairstyle from upstaging the bride and/or groom
* Minimize the disruption / keep the older folks from being mortified when I organize boat races between tables
* Keep me near the bathroom on the chance I have a tequila shot that doesn't sit quite like it ought to

Admittedly these are valid concerns, some more (last two) than others (first two). But I miss the single table. Back when there were single people at weddings, there were single tables. I was pretty money at the single table. Not that I would want me around singles either, since that is a pretty good way to turn them off of the whole marriage concept.

I also miss the bouquet toss and the garter throw. I still do these around the house, so I guess I miss them more in the wedding context. I would assume the reason these have been discontinued from weddings is that they are somewhat embarassing to the three people that are still single, especially those that have been dating someone for eight years with no proposal in sight. An alternate and equally likely explanation is that there were a few too many injuries resulting from fights over the bouquet after it was learned that I am a single man.

Current wedding trend that I am for: a friend becoming an internet-licensed minister for one day, and having that friend act as the priest, officiant, person who says "Do you? Do you? Kiss her." Current wedding trend I am against: giving the minister job to a marginally insane friend, along with a Franciscan monk robe and a battle axe.