A Crisis Situation

"The first rule in a crisis situation: you negotiate first and you attack last."

"The second rule in a crisis situation: if you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called."

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Julius Benedict, Twins

But what does Julius Benedict have to do with anything, you ask? And if you didn't ask, you were supposed to. In this particular case, the answer is "not the first damned thing."

But on the heels of my landmark, groundbreaking, watershed, Pulitzer Prize-winning Brush It Like Beckham post, I got to thinking. Now, I don't normally recommend this, since it usually causes more harm than good. But, undaunted, I started thinking: Am I having a mid-life crisis?

According to Wikipedia, some characteristics of mid-life crisis are:

* a desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness. (Yes.)
* a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships. (YES!!!)
* conspicuous consumption - acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, shotguns, etc. (Do Bud Light shotguns count?)
* paying special attention to physical appearance. (Yes.)

So, I came up with a list of Mid-Life Crisis Indicators for myself:

Pro Mid-Life Crisis:

* I recently changed my hairstyle to compensate for a receding hairline.
* Cougars are now perfectly age-appropriate, but I insist on dating 27 year-olds.
* I pluck gray hairs.
* I am training for a triathlon.
* I listen to morning radio, and prefer talk radio to music much of the time.
* I am taking surfing lessons.
* I recently purchased clothes at American Eagle.
* I sometimes grunt when sitting down or standing up. (Author's note: I pronounce "sometimes" as "all-waayz")
* I snowboard instead of ski, even though I like skiing more.
* The people from work I spend the most time with socially are aged 23 and 24 years.
* I am bothered by the fact that I am now almost twice as old as recent Playmates of the Month.
* I own Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix (with a Dance Pad) for Xbox 360 and I actually use it. (Wait, what do you mean this isn't a "I'm a Total Tool Crisis" post?)
* My father showed signs of mid-life crisis (hair dye-ing, philandering) in his 30's and into his 40's.

Anti Mid-Life Crisis:

* I do not have a toupee or hair plugs.
* I do not use Rogaine, Propecia, Alopecia or Alouette.
* I am not trying to date persons aged 23 or 24 years, whether I work with them or not.
* I do not dye my hair, and have not since 1999.
* The clothes I bought at American Eagle were cargo shorts, not a hoodie or graphic t-shirt.
* I don't have and am not planning on getting any tattoos or body piercings.
* I have not bought or leased a sports car or motorcycle.
* I don't hang out in PB (I don't hang out at playgrounds either, but that is more of a Megan's Law thing).
* I don't take adrenaline vacations.
* If 40 is the new 20, then I am not at mid-life yet, unless the Big Man knows something I don't know. Like that 40 is Not the new 20.

What does all this mean? Well, let's feed these data into the Mid-Life Crisis Indicator Reader Interpreter Device Thingy:


Result: Inconclusive. More Data Needed.

So, who knows what the future holds? Viagra? (Well, if we are splitting hairs here, more Viagra?) An endless string of meaningless relationships wherein I use 21 year-old balls hot blonds for sex, and they use me for money? I can live with that.