Porno Corner

I used to have a talent for parodying actual movie names into fake porn movie names. A friend who started his own beer company claimed to have a talent for this as well, but his solution was to add "anal" to the title of every movie. So, for instance, "Rush Hour 3" would be "Anal Rush Hour 3." The only time he ever strayed from this formula was for "Planet of the Gapes" which I am not sure is even funny, but he found it hilarious.

Some of the classics include:

There's Something Inside Mary
How Stella Got Her Groove Packed
Wet Dreams May Come
Rugburns in Paris
Bi-Curious George
Star Trek: Insert Erection
Gladheateher
Pokeahotass
The Sopornos
Sperminator 2: Judgment Spray
The Da Vinci Load
Shaving Ryan's Privates

There's a million of 'em, but it is getting late and I have to go to the gym. So, I think the way to do this is to keep a list to the right of the latest and greatest parody porno names. I think I can delete my Hot or Not score - I think everyone (operative word being "one") that reads this page knows JW got a 4.7. Not my finest hour.

Unrelated to porn but related to sex (I can imagine the kinds of people that will find this page once Google parses out this post, though), I was out on a date with this chick and we were playing the "porn name" game, where your porn first name is the name of your first pet, and your porn last name is the name of the street you grew up on. So, we determined that my porn name is "Jessie West 14th Avenue." That doesn't make a lot of sense, so we needed to decide between the nearest cross street ("Jessie Defrain" - not bad) or to use a portion of the actual street name, making me "Jessie West" or "Jessie 14." Now, I think there already is someone named Jessie West - there must be since there is a Randy West and a Peter North. Sometimes having a talent for remembering things like guys' porn names is not a blessing and actually makes one appear pretty gay, like ironing, using a lot of hair product, or giving handjobs in the Circle K parking lot. And Jessie 14, well, that sort of implies something that I really am not going to be able to deliver on. Yes, I will admit that I do not have a 14 inch penis. I realize this seems impossible - after all, the results of an informal survey taken at the Horny Toad in Blythe indicate that the average penis size of a Blythe male is over 12 inches. However, you have to remember that I moved to Blythe when I was 6 years old, so I might have missed some of that growth spurt. Pun maybe intended, but I think I get a pass for that.

In any event, my date (this would be Myspace Girl for those of you that have been following my adventures) indicated that she really wouldn't want to date anyone who grew up anywhere north of about 6th or 7th street. Which is nice, because I'd only had to have walked about 3 or 4 blocks north to go visit her ideal boyfriend.

Unrelated item: Plaxico Burress, being interviewed on the radio after MNF, gave a quote that is destined for the Joe Theisman Master of the Obvious Hall of Fame: "If our offense can score about 30 points and the defense can hold them under 17 points, we're going to win a lot of those games."