Pillow Bites

The title is a cross between "Pillow Talk" and "Dog Bites," from the Wood Dog Blog. Someone tell Dr. Freud to hurry his ass up (pun intended?)...

Why is it that McCoy still gets angry when he says something heartfelt to Spock, and Spock replies with a logical answer that misses the point of the original sentiment? You'd think after all this time, McCoy would have figured it out. Spock may be half human, BUT HE IS ALSO HALF VULCAN. HE IS LOGICAL. It WOULD NOT, HAS NOT, AND WILL NOT occur to Spock to say something emotional or "mushy"...

"Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse is the best song of 2007 so far...

There are movies that, although I didn't like them in the theater, I always seem to flip to and watch for awhile if they are on cable. These movies include "Sideways," "Password: Swordfish," "Flight of the Intruder" and "The Last Castle"...

There is about 15 minutes of footage in Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace that stands up against anything in the Star Wars films. This 15 minutes includes most of the pod race, all of the Darth Maul fight scenes, and no Jar Jar...

Movie Trivia: What are the full character names of at least two of the three male leads in "Old School"? No Googling...

WTF does "soup to nuts" mean? I mean, I know what it means, but why does it mean that?...

For Halloween, I had planned on dressing as "Wedding Crashers" with a friend who looks a bit like Vince Vaughn. Following Owen Wilson's suicide attempt, I can't decide whether to scrap the idea, or just wear bandages around my wrists in addition to the tuxedo and blond wig...

I will play another game of sloshball (the softball kind, not the kickball kind) before I die...

I sometimes change the name of my fantasy team to mock that week's opponent. In the past I have called my team at various times "Hanford R2 Units", "Jell-O Fever", "Dude, Where's My Hot Tub?", "My Big Fat Homoerotic Greek Wedding", and "Sailor's Ball 1991"...

I was sixteen when I first kissed a girl. It was after prom. Her name was Emmie. It did not go well...

My brother and I were once out in Hollywood on a Saturday night, and he was wearing a Drew Bledsoe replica Patriots jersey. He somehow managed to convince people at the Cat & Fiddle that he actually was Drew Bledsoe. This despite the following: (i) Drew Bledsoe probably wouldn't wear a $40 replica of his own jersey to go out on a Saturday night, (ii) the Patriots were playing in Buffalo the following morning, and (iii) my brother looks nothing like Drew Bledsoe (I know this because one of my bosses has a picture in his office of himself with Drew Bledsoe, and I have also seen Drew Bledsoe on television). None of that stopped him from signing autographs that night as Drew Bledsoe...

Dear Obnoxio: a concession speech is made when the outcome of a contest is still technically but not realistically in doubt, as a courtesy to the winner and to show the good sportsmanship of the loser. The outcome of TATJ is not in doubt, I'll be damned if I'm going to show you any courtesy, and I'm not much of a sportsman...

I've added the Boston Sports Guy to the Ultimate Cup tracking to the right as something of a benchmark, and I've stopped counting ties as wins so the win percentages are no longer inflated. I may not have done this if I were not still above 50% when calculated this way. And, just as suspected, the Anti-JYW is a sure fire money maker...

I plan to put together a bunch of trivia questions to use on long trips as something of a Jeopardy! style game. Like the question above, a category might be "Old School" trivia, with questions of varying degrees of difficulty. However, this game would only be useful under specific conditions, like a long car trip with two or more other people, or a plane flight where I know the two people next to me. The chances of either happening since I moved out of SF are pretty slim...

Two possible responses to the golf question "What's your handicap?" are "Bad breath and a short peter" and "Short stick and lots of strokes." I just learned the second one on IM...

I have two friends that are both often told they look like Vince Vaughn. One of them apparently looks so much like Vince Vaughn that when he goes places restaurant managers thank him for stopping by, and trashy LA newspapers write that he was spotted at that restaurant the next day. I'd like to get these two guys in a room together for a Vince Vaughn-off...

I am pretty sure we once thought hair metal bands were really cool, both for their music and their appearance...

Cloak and Dater

I was chatting with one of the chicks I work with today. She has been kind of a dating machine of late, if she is to be believed. (Note that this is not the 9/4 chick, who has since moved on to other pastures.) I think she's told me about 5 different dates with at least 3 different guys in the past week, including a one-night trip to Vegas to meet an ex-boyfriend who flew out from the east coast, and this was followed by a Sunday day date, where I think the guy even picked her up at the airport. Slut. But nothing "happened" in Vegas, according to this chick. Notwithstanding the fact that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I think she's really trying to sell it as nothing having happened. Because it happens so often that people who used to sleep together fly to from opposite coasts into an environment where drinking and risk-taking are commonplace and in fact the whole place is designed to encourage that behavior, and two exes just end up just hanging out as friends. I can't remember the exact quote, but there used to be a radio commercial for a TV show where a guy and a girl are having a conversation. They had slept together before, and I think were going on a trip together. The girl was saying that they weren't going to sleep together on the trip. The guy says something like "When two people who have had sex have the opportunity to have sex again, they're going to have sex, unless the sex sucked the first time. And sex with you didn't suck." Since I can't remember who said this quote, I may just refer to him from here on out as My Hero.

Anyhow, this chick let slip that, although she is dating a bunch of guys, when one of her dates leaves the room and his cell phone is laying on the table, she'll pick up the phone and look at the list of recently dialed numbers. If there are any girls on that list, she'll confront him with the information. Forget for a moment that this sort of behavior is completely BS, and is tantamount to a girl reading your email if you accidentally leave your account logged in, or opening your postal mail if you leave it out on the counter - checking the cell phone is apparently Standard Operating Procedure for chicks. I once had a roommate whose girlfriend accused him of cheating based on his cell phone call history. Turns out she was right to be suspicious, even though this roommate was able to explain the girl away as a college friend.

But the important question is, as always, how does this relate to my life? Well, I'll tell you. I have been dating two girls recently, and have something of a "friend with benefits" on the side. This is apparently the San Diego way of dating, though going from dating zero people, it has taken some getting used to. I don't tell lies, but I don't know which one I told which story to, so I am a little afraid of how often I might be repeating myself. Here's a quick snapshot of these chicks:

Exhibit A, nickname "Two." Age 27. Tall, athletic, pretty hot, funny, a lot of fun, and just got a dog. She is a bad e-mailer though, which is important to me. She is also a little passive and I often have to carry conversation, and we all know me carrying conversation is not a good idea. Fun girl, up for anything, but a little difficult to see anything developing long term. Mostly because she won't sleep with me.

Exhibit B, nickname "Myspace Girl." Age 33. Not quite as tall and athletic as Two, but still tall and athletic. Hotter than Two. Smart, and a good e-mailer, but a little boring, owns two cats, and shares a first name with one of the girls in my social group. Mitigating these issues, she is a big fan of the NFL, blackjack, and bar sports. She has great long-term potential, assuming I can get her to open up a bit.

Exhibit C, nickname "F*ck Buddy." Age 37. Shorter than the others. Very nice but could use a dose of self-confidence. Has a J-Lo type body that is built for naughtiness. Probably the best conversationalist of the three, and likes doing crossword puzzles. Got out of a long-term relationship recently and really wants to be in another one, which is a bit off-putting. Also, seems to like me, a strong indicator of mental instability.

The point of all this? That I have called or texted each of these chicks recently. And that when I go indoors, one of the first things I do is empty my pockets out onto the table. (I used to work with a guy who said one of their interviewees emptied his pockets onto the interviewer's table when the interview started. He was not hired, oddly enough.) And so it would be very easy for any one of these girls to pick up my cell phone and see the names of other girls. I don't have an exclusive arrangement with any of these girls and have never represented that I do, and thus far there has been no overlap as far as knowing any of them Biblically so I do not feel too bad about seeing all of them. However, I'd rather not answer any questions about who is A, or B, or C, if I don't have to.

The solution? For now, I've changed their names to a similar dude name. (Dr. Freud to Those Aren't Pillows Blog, Code Blue!) For example, "Martha" Stewart becomes "Mark" Stewart. However, I see flaws in this solution. First, one might wonder why "Mark" Stewart is sending me booty texts, and whether there really is a "Martha" at all. Secondly, if she snoops in my phone, "Martha" is going to wonder why her name has been entered as "Mark" and may well figure out that "Gene" and "Fred" are actually "Gina" and "Frieda." I guess the better solution would be to go to last names, but I have at least three sets of people in my phone that have the same last name so that won't really work. Plus, I didn't know the last name of Myspace Girl until earlier today. Assuming other women will eventually join the privileged few that are in my cell phone, I can't rely on the last name approach since this often isn't learned until later in the relationship, and I think entering someone as "UCSD Chick," "German Chick" or "Sidebar Chick" (all have been in my phone at one time or another) kind of defeats the purpose. For now, it will be "Mark," "Gene" and "Frieda," with the alternative being that I dial 10 different numbers right before I see any of these chicks. So if I call you around 8pm on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday, now you'll know why. Or maybe I can just erase my recently called list. I have a "smart" phone, and I'm sure they must have these sorts of features built in for the polyamorous among us. If not, this could be another million dollar idea in the making.

Wise Man Say, Part 2

Probably the most important words of wisdom:

"Never take sports betting advice from a sketchy blog." -- JW

Wise Man Say

For those of you that aren't allergic to free money, bet the farm on Cincy and give the points this morning. If you don't have a farm, borrow some money, buy a farm, then bet that farm on the Bengals. This is foolproof, even more foolproof than the Anti-JYW. And ask your kids to remember me in their Harvard graduation speeches.

Below are some other words of wisdom. They are generally not original thoughts, but if I don't know the source I am not going to go to the effort of properly crediting and quoting each phrase. Because I don't feel like it.

"Never show surprise, never lose your cool." -- Bryan Brown as Douglas Coughlin

"Go ugly early; it's cheaper." -- Ed S.

"If you haven't gotten any by midnight, go home. Because you ain't gettin' any, and if you do you'll wish you hadn't" -- Babe Ruth

"I never turned anything down but an old black man, and I turned him face down." -- Ed S.

"I'm a dirty old man, and I'll be a dirty old man until I'm a dead old man." -- Ed S.

"There are three rules for getting older: #1 - Never trust a fart. #2 - Never pass a bathroom. #3 - Never waste a hard-on, even if you're alone." -- Ed S.

"There are four things man needs to survive: Food, shelter, p*ssy, and strange p*ssy." -- Anonymous

"My girlfriend lives close enough for me to see her when I want to, but far enough that I can buy porn." -- WIllie P.

Pillow Talk

Trying out a new title for my intermittent ramblings. This title was suggested by my reader. It sounds a little gay, but so do half of my posts...

Speaking of gay, the latest post I've been working on is a reasonably in-depth analysis of homosexuality in rap music in the 1980's, using one particular song as an example. I can only foresee a few problems with this post. First, it could be interpreted as anti-gay (not to be confused with self-hating). I guess that could be advantageous from a readership building standpoint - some local media coverage may well double my page views. The bigger problem is that the post just isn't that funny, at least not yet. It is pretty funny (if offensive) in parts, but it is difficult to find something gay about every line of a rap song...

Other posts that are in rough draft form, and may or may not be finished (take "may not" and lay the points): the Madden Challenge (analysis of whether I could pick up more chicks than John Madden at a bar) and several Dating Field Reports...

I set up a meter for my blog, to see if anyone is actually visiting it. I've received two comments since then, but the site meter indicates that I've had zero visits. I think the meter might be broken...

I don't have a girlfriend, and I no longer know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that...

I have joined a football "picks league" and will be posting a weekly tally of the results for myself and a couple of schmoes that I know to the right. This picks league is not to be confused with the 7/8 Partnership, which only really got going last year after the general partners went their separate ways. I ended up 10-7 on the year, and I believe the other GP had a similar or possibly better record. I still believe I can consistently turn a profit betting on zero, one or two NFL games per week...

I had lunch with a 38-year old business colleague a few weeks ago. Besides talking about things like golf and work, we discussed MAME (emulates lots of classic arcade games, including Tournament Cyberball 2072 - should be downloadable here) and the Nintendo Wii. Although he's got two small children, I've been invited over to play Nintendo next wiikend...

Just went surfing for the first time. I am pretty banged up and sunburned right now (because real men don't wear sunscreen, though apparently a Real Man of Genius does), but it was a good time and I actually stood up a couple of times. I think I am going to get a longboard and wetsuit and try and get decent at this over the fall and winter...

I have been training for Fettkrieg 2 for approximately 3 weeks now, which is convenient since the competition has been over for approximately 3 weeks now. I have learned that my workout plan would have, er, worked out. By taking in a lot of protein and cutting back carbs, but not to the point of Atkins, I've lost about 1.5 inches from my waist (based on fit of pants) but have maintained my beginning weight...

Going to see Dave Matthews Band at the end of September. It will be my first DMB show...

Also training for a triathlon at the end of September. Well, actually it is like a triathlon but shorter - 500m swim, 15K bike, 5K run. I guess I'm not really training for it so much as I am just working out in general. I would think I could roll out of bed and do that "triathlon" without specifically training for it...

According to ESPN radio the other morning, the average size of an NFL QB is 6'2.5" and 218 lbs. Meaning I am pretty much exactly the average size of an NFL QB. If only I had exactly average the skill or salary of an NFL QB, I'd be onto something...

I bought two movies that I really wanted to see - "Borat" and "The Departed" - when they came out on DVD. They are both sitting in my TV stand wrapped in plastic. I guess I didn't want to see them as badly as I thought...

I haven't bowled a game in ages...

I played night golf (not glow-in-the-dark ball, but under the lights, like a baseball stadium) for the first time this summer. It was actually tougher than I thought it would be to see and find your ball under these conditions, but with an 8pm tee time you can still play a quick 9 holes after work...

I think if I had 27 at-bats against major league pitching (i.e. every hitter in the lineup for one team is me) I would probably go 0 for 27 with about 20 K's...

I have recently been told I look like I am anywhere from 27 to 30 years old. However, these comments came from (i) a 40-something year old woman at work that I think wants to do me, and (ii) a guy who works for tips. So I'm not reading too much into this...

I would really like to find a good, weekly bar trivia night in San Diego but I think that is more of an intellectual and bad weather San Francisco-type activity...

I can't decide if I am too old to have a myspace page. A girl I've gone on dates with a few times has one (she's 27), but my assistant at work has a more tricked-out page (she's 38, with 2 kids). It still feels wrong to me...

Reader Mailbag

OK folks, time to take a break from blogging and respond to some of the comments, questions and concerns that have been submitted by my readers.



And we're done.

A Crisis Situation

"The first rule in a crisis situation: you negotiate first and you attack last."

"The second rule in a crisis situation: if you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called."

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Julius Benedict, Twins

But what does Julius Benedict have to do with anything, you ask? And if you didn't ask, you were supposed to. In this particular case, the answer is "not the first damned thing."

But on the heels of my landmark, groundbreaking, watershed, Pulitzer Prize-winning Brush It Like Beckham post, I got to thinking. Now, I don't normally recommend this, since it usually causes more harm than good. But, undaunted, I started thinking: Am I having a mid-life crisis?

According to Wikipedia, some characteristics of mid-life crisis are:

* a desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness. (Yes.)
* a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships. (YES!!!)
* conspicuous consumption - acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, shotguns, etc. (Do Bud Light shotguns count?)
* paying special attention to physical appearance. (Yes.)

So, I came up with a list of Mid-Life Crisis Indicators for myself:

Pro Mid-Life Crisis:

* I recently changed my hairstyle to compensate for a receding hairline.
* Cougars are now perfectly age-appropriate, but I insist on dating 27 year-olds.
* I pluck gray hairs.
* I am training for a triathlon.
* I listen to morning radio, and prefer talk radio to music much of the time.
* I am taking surfing lessons.
* I recently purchased clothes at American Eagle.
* I sometimes grunt when sitting down or standing up. (Author's note: I pronounce "sometimes" as "all-waayz")
* I snowboard instead of ski, even though I like skiing more.
* The people from work I spend the most time with socially are aged 23 and 24 years.
* I am bothered by the fact that I am now almost twice as old as recent Playmates of the Month.
* I own Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix (with a Dance Pad) for Xbox 360 and I actually use it. (Wait, what do you mean this isn't a "I'm a Total Tool Crisis" post?)
* My father showed signs of mid-life crisis (hair dye-ing, philandering) in his 30's and into his 40's.

Anti Mid-Life Crisis:

* I do not have a toupee or hair plugs.
* I do not use Rogaine, Propecia, Alopecia or Alouette.
* I am not trying to date persons aged 23 or 24 years, whether I work with them or not.
* I do not dye my hair, and have not since 1999.
* The clothes I bought at American Eagle were cargo shorts, not a hoodie or graphic t-shirt.
* I don't have and am not planning on getting any tattoos or body piercings.
* I have not bought or leased a sports car or motorcycle.
* I don't hang out in PB (I don't hang out at playgrounds either, but that is more of a Megan's Law thing).
* I don't take adrenaline vacations.
* If 40 is the new 20, then I am not at mid-life yet, unless the Big Man knows something I don't know. Like that 40 is Not the new 20.

What does all this mean? Well, let's feed these data into the Mid-Life Crisis Indicator Reader Interpreter Device Thingy:


Result: Inconclusive. More Data Needed.

So, who knows what the future holds? Viagra? (Well, if we are splitting hairs here, more Viagra?) An endless string of meaningless relationships wherein I use 21 year-old balls hot blonds for sex, and they use me for money? I can live with that.

In the Rear With the Gear

I have been fortunate enough to attend three weddings in the last two weekends. At one of these weddings, I was seated at the head table. At the other two I was seated not at the head table, but at a different table. Maybe better described as the "back" table. At another recent wedding, I was seated with the parents of the bride, who spoke little English. At least to me. I am sure they spoke perfect English but just decided to pretend not to, as a way to avoid actually speaking with me. It reminds me of the time I was in Ensenada and asked a girl to dance with me. She turned to me, looked me directly in the eye, and said "I don't speak English." Since I am bilingual (well, I'm bi-something, I can't always remember what though) I quickly replied "Quieres bailar conmigo?" To which she said, "No hablo espanol cualquier." ("I don't speak Spanish either.") I decided to ask her to dance in the International language, which looked a hell of a lot like Maverick and Goose "Communicating... keeping up foreign relations" in the opening scene of Top Gun. Speaking of "bi."


But am I so dangerous that I must be sequestered in the rear or otherwise taken out of commission? There are a couple of possible explanations for positioning me this way:

* Keep the paparazzi away from me to the extent possible
* Keep my new and improved hairstyle from upstaging the bride and/or groom
* Minimize the disruption / keep the older folks from being mortified when I organize boat races between tables
* Keep me near the bathroom on the chance I have a tequila shot that doesn't sit quite like it ought to

Admittedly these are valid concerns, some more (last two) than others (first two). But I miss the single table. Back when there were single people at weddings, there were single tables. I was pretty money at the single table. Not that I would want me around singles either, since that is a pretty good way to turn them off of the whole marriage concept.

I also miss the bouquet toss and the garter throw. I still do these around the house, so I guess I miss them more in the wedding context. I would assume the reason these have been discontinued from weddings is that they are somewhat embarassing to the three people that are still single, especially those that have been dating someone for eight years with no proposal in sight. An alternate and equally likely explanation is that there were a few too many injuries resulting from fights over the bouquet after it was learned that I am a single man.

Current wedding trend that I am for: a friend becoming an internet-licensed minister for one day, and having that friend act as the priest, officiant, person who says "Do you? Do you? Kiss her." Current wedding trend I am against: giving the minister job to a marginally insane friend, along with a Franciscan monk robe and a battle axe.

Brush it Like Beckham

It started out with a simple comment, on Polk street, circa 2003. Didn't think anything of it at the time:

"[Name of Mutual Friend]'s going pretty quickly." - G$
"Yeah, glad I don't have that problem." - JW
"I don't know about that..." - G$

More recently:

"I wouldn't really change anything on the face, but there is a little receding going on..." - "Jill" (San Diego chick) early 2007

"The celebrity people say you look like is probably Vince Vaughn." - Online date chick, July 2007

Now, THAT was interesting. The celebrities I've been compared to are Marc Anthony, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Jim Carrey. Never heard Vince before.

There was also hard evidence. I never really looked at this evidence, but it was there all along:

The San Juan bachelor party really hammered the point home though:


Dude is losing his hair! I knew I was having grey hair issues, but since people have been pointing out my grey hairs to me since college, I am actually pretty pleased that it has advanced as slowly as it has. But this other thing, THIS is an issue. I really only see myself from the front in the mirror, and I've always had a high forehead, so I didn't know this was going on. This is something that happens to other people, not to me. WHY THE HELL WASN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THIS?!?!?

Can anything be done? I mean, besides a change in career:


Unfortunately I can't sing a lick, so I guess that's out. And yes, that is me as "Fat Elvis." Smartasses.

Luckily, there is another option. (Well, according to the internet, there are several options, including the Bruce Willis "Die Hard" look.) There just so happens to be an international sensation who has the same issues, and who has popularized a hairstyle that happens to be perfect for the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the $250 million man, David Beckham!


Can I get away with a "fauxhawk" like Becks can? So far, no one has said a thing. I don't think anyone will even notice the difference in hairstyle. That is, unless I do something stupid like post pictures of the new look on a blog.


As Borat might say, Success! Granted, I am looking pretty rough, but the photo was taken on a Sunday morning when I was out until 4am the night before (and nice beginning of a double chin there, fatass. Luckily I am trending away from that right now). I think the look is "professional" enough to wear at work, and my hair wasn't really cut to do this, so the look will improve over time. I was due for a hairstyle change anyway. So, problem (temporarily) solved, though I fear this may be the first step down a dark road that I may not want to travel.

Backside to the Future

I received an interesting e-mail today. It was from Marci812. The subject line read: "21/f... You wanna chat?" Based on the e-mail, I gather that Marci is new to town and thought she'd trying something new to meet people. She's a little nervous to be on there but she figures you only live once. If I get bored, I am to cum find her.

This is really similar to an e-mail I received from Lisa2981. In fact, it was exactly the same! Verbatim! And they both came from the same e-mail address: return@www.paid-product1.com! I bet you these two hotties are roommates, and they're too poor to afford their own e-mail addresses! They're probably desperate and would do anything for money! I am seeing a threesome in my future - JW, Marci812 and Lisa2981. Sweet!

But there is, as always, a catch. You see, Marci's e-mail is dated August 1, 2037. That e-mail won't even be sent for another 30 years, and if Marci812 sent it today, she did so when she was -9 years old! I haven't brushed up on my statutory rape law, but I am assuming sex with a -9 year old is against some kind of law, like maybe the laws of physics.

Now I'm afraid I'm going to end up disappointing Marci and Lisa. Regardless of the advances that are made in Viagra technology between now and 2037, I am just not certain that at age 65 I will be able to keep up with these two girls. The only logical thing to do is fill up a DeLorean with some plutonium, accelerate to 88 MPH and travel forward 30 years into Marci and Lisa's waiting arms. And someone does park a DeLorean in my parking structure. This is foolproof...

The Curse

I have this idea in my head about how my fantasy drafts go. Specifically, it seems like the first pitcher I take always shits the bed. Since CBS Sportsline keeps track of several years' worth of drafts, let's have a look and see if this fantasy postulate holds true.

Year: 2002
Team: Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin'

First pitcher taken: Chan Ho Park (3rd round)
Prior year stats: 1.17 WHIP, 3.50 ERA, 15-11, 8.5 K/9

Comment: Park was signed by the Rangers as a free agent for some ludicrous amount like $15M per year for 5 years. I figured his ERA would rise a bit, but so would his win total since the Rangers had a much more potent offense. I was right about the rise in ERA at least. Ended up at 9-8 with a 5.75 ERA, and did not even attempt any flying scissor-kicks on opposing pitchers.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2003
Team: A Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen

First pitcher taken: Robb Nen (4th round)
Prior year stats: 1.14 WHIP, 2.20 ERA, 6-2, 43 saves, 9.9 K/9

Comment: Nen was coming off an All-Star year. He was also coming off shoulder surgery, and didn't pitch an inning that year, after reports in spring training that he was fine. It seems that Dusty Baker blew out Nen's arm while the Giants blew the 2002 World Series to the Angels. Should have been tipped off by the fact that the radar gun was off when he appeared in the final exhibition games, at Pac Bell Park.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2004
Team: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

First pitcher taken: Kerry Wood (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.19 WHIP, 3.20 ERA, 14-11, 11.3 K/9

Comment: The two previous years were injury-free, but those were Dusty Baker "Leave 'em out there until their arms fall off" years. Wood got hurt in 2004 and ended up at 8-9, 3.72. For further evidence of the Dusty Baker Effect, see Prior, Mark (2002 - present). Oh, what I would have given to achieve healthy Wood in 2004.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2005
Team: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Draft Picks

First pitcher taken: Curt Schilling (1st round)
Prior year stats: 1.06 WHIP, 3.26 ERA, 21-6, 8.1 K/9

Comment: This fat fuck was coming off the "bloody sock" games of the playoffs and World Series, but was expected to be ready in time for the season. He was. If you consider 1.53 WHIP, 5.69 ERA, 8-8, 9 saves, 8.4 K/9 to be "ready." I was "ready" to punch my TV and/or computer monitor many times that year. Plus, Doug Mirabelli admitted that the blood on the sock was actually paint, so that obviously means that Schilling wasn't injured in 2005, but that he intentionally tanked to destroy my fantasy league chances. Yet another example of Curt being an asshole in a world filled with such examples.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2006
Team: Operation Shutdown

First pitcher taken: Bartolo Colon (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.16 WHIP, 3.48 ERA, 21-8, 6.3 K/9, Cy Young award

Comment: This fat fuck was injured in the World Baseball Classic and stunk up the joint to the tune of 1-5, 5.11 ERA before mercifully being shut down. Note that I was picking at the end of the 2nd round, and my first pick in the 3rd round was Rich Harden, who pitched well when he did pitch but was pretty much a similarly spectacular failure on the whole.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2007
Team: Don Imus's Nappy Headed Hos

First pitcher taken: Jason Schmidt (6th round)
Prior year stats: 1.26 WHIP, 3.59 ERA, 11-9, 7.6 K/9

Comment: This other fat fuck came out of spring training throwing 84 MPH, and ended up making 6 starts (1-4, 1.79 WHIP, 6.31 ERA) before being shut down for season-ending shoulder surgery. At least he raised his K/9 to 7.7, the ungrateful prick. And the joke is on him, since I traded him for Julio Lugo right before he was shut down. Actually, the joke might still be on me for making that trade.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Overall First Pitcher Shitting the Bed Percentage: 100%. The Curse is legit!

Note to self: Don't draft pitchers.
Footnote to self: If you must draft pitchers, draft Yankee pitchers.

Gagne with a Spoon

At first I was concerned that I might be infringing on Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") territory here, but then I realized I wasn't going to write about any of the following topics:

"Vegas with the guys is a lot of fun, and you can use sports analogies while you're there!"
"Even though I couldn't hack it writing for the Jimmy Kimmel Live show, I still hang out with Jimmy Kimmel on Sundays to watch football. Did I mention that I know Jimmy Kimmel?"
"I still watch the NBA. Isiah Thomas is a bad GM, Doc Rivers is a bad coach, and my greatest fantasy is for Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson to simultaneously find out if I'm watertight!"
"Adam Carrolla is really, really funny. No, he really is. Did I mention that I know Adam Carrolla, who knows Jimmy Kimmel?"
"If gambling were legal, here are some shitty NFL picks."

Even though Simmons may have internet monopolies on those specific topics, I think other people are also allowed to write about Boston sports teams. So, without further ado (some would call it stalling) we shall discuss the Boston Red Sox's trade for Eric Gagne.

Faithful reader (intentionally not plural) of my blog will know that I am against the "hired gun" mentality in sports. This trade for Gagne is exactly that. The Sox are getting a rent-a-player, trading away the future for immediate help, to "win now." I guess that's how it is in sports these days. Granted, I don't think any of the players that were traded for Gagne have anything more than marginal major league futures, but part of being a fan of a team is being a fan of the players on the team, and watching them stay together and get better over time. For instance, I have been a co-owner with BRD in fantasy baseball for several teams (such as Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin' and The Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen). When BRD was involved in drafting the team, the players became "his" players, and he was interested. The year he was unable to participate in the draft, he didn't participate much with the team because he didn't feel any connection to the players.

In that context, Gagne isn't "my" player. He is a player that was foisted upon me, much like Johan Santana was foisted upon BRD in the 9th round in 2003. Maybe Gagne will be great for the Red Sox. Maybe he'll help them win the World Series. But it will feel like the title was bought rather than earned by developing home-grown players, on a playing field that is relatively level with all the other teams (not just the Yankees). A (more) fair win as opposed to a cheap win. I guess a lot of people root for the team, a city and a logo and not the players. Not me.

Michael Vick: Prick

OK, Michael Vick is apparently a bad guy. At least that's what I keep hearing on the radio and reading on the internet. I haven't read any of the specific allegations against Vick, so anything I know about his recent troubles is hearsay. I do know that he is somehow involved with a dog-fighting ring that allegedly killed dogs that didn't want to fight, and did so in creative and especially cruel ways, such as hanging, electrocution, drowning, and the tried-and-true favorite of repeatedly bashing the dog's head into the pavement. Terrible, horrible stuff all.

But I wonder why it is that every time I see Vick discussed on the television, the accompanying picture of Vick makes him look like a total thug? I mean, in this country we are theoretically innocent until proven guilty. If that is the case, why must we show him looking like he is about to go on a 10-state crime spree?


I'm pretty sure I've seen all three of those photos used by the media. The guy in those pictures just looks guilty of something.

Of course, there are other photos of Michael out there that the media could be using. See, look at how nice Michael can look while wearing NFL gear, in contrast to the above photos:


Here's a picture of Michael at a fundraiser for a Boys & Girls Club (yes, I realize it is not a Kennel Club or PETA fundraiser, but still):


And here's Michael as the "token fraternity black guy":


See how harmless he looks? Who doesn't remember tossing the old pigskin with a guy like this in college? Good times. But we are instead treated to "Do-Rag" Vick. Hell, after seeing the media photos I am relieved that all he did was bet on/execute some dogs.

Maybe "thug" pictures of Tom Brady don't exist, but I just have trouble thinking the media would be portraying him the same way they are portraying Vick. I imagine some of that is a race thing, but some of it is also image. I don't think the media would "thug-ize" Will Smith or Colin Powell if they were to run afoul of the law. Of course, Powell and the Fresh Prince are white.

HOT OR NOT UPDATE: My "official" score on "Hot or Not" is a 4.7. I don't think I can blame my regular blog readers for flooding the site with artificially low scores, since I don't have any regular blog readers. So, I am not Hot after all. Quite a blow to the old self-esteem.

These are the Jokes

A divorce court judge has ruled that Heather Mills, the soon-to-be former spouse of Paul McCartney, is not entitled to any portion of Mr. McCartney's financial estate. In what is being hailed by commentators as a harsh decision, the judge ruled that in making her claim, Ms. Mills "didn't have a leg to stand on."

Walking away from her marriage empty-handed, Ms. Mills, despite her appearance on television's "Dancing with the Stars," will be forced to find regular employment. Industry insiders agree this should not be a problem for Ms. Mills, as she has already received several inquiries as to her availability, and most notably a lucrative offer to serve as spokesperson for the well-known restaurant chain "International House of Pancakes." (Wait for it...)

I don't dance, people.

I Am Hot

Submitted my profile photo to Am I Hot or Not? yesterday, because I am retro like that. My current score is 8.4, based on votes by the public at large, or at least the public at large that feels compelled to go on the internet and rate pictures of complete strangers on a scale of 1 to 10. This is apparently 'hotter' than 82% of all guys. I can assure you that I have not been stuffing the ballot box, as it were, but I make no such representations with respect to my underwear. In a new blog feature that is sure to be ignored by me, I'll be sporadically updating my score, which is displayed to the right.

Take My Advice

Jennie Finch has a fantasy advice column on ESPN.com. Perhaps I should clarify. It is not a column for advice about just any garden-variety fantasy, like the fantasy where Janet Reno dresses up like Wonder Woman, takes off your clothes and ties you up, and throws spoonfuls of green jello at your naked body. Jennie has a fantasy baseball advice column.

The part I don't understand is, why do people send e-mails to Jennie Finch asking for fantasy sports advice? Does Jennie, a marginally attractive (yes, marginally; see photo) softball player, know more about baseball than I do? Does Jennie know more about baseball than a trained monkey does? (Whether or not I know more about baseball than a trained monkey will be addressed in my upcoming blog entry, to be posted on the First of Never.)

Let's check Jennie's ESPN web page to see if her qualifications are listed there, shall we?

"Jennie went 2-0 as a member of the 2004 USA Softball team that won the gold medal." Totally irrelevant, but if I need a fantasy softball update for Cat Osterman I know who to ask. Could come in handy.

"Jennie is married to Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Casey Daigle." Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher is a pretty liberal description of a guy who has a 6.64 ERA and a .354 opponent's batting average against for the AAA Tucson Sidewinders. But Daigle is apparently 6'5" and 248 lbs, so I might want to be a little careful what I say about him, his terrible statistics, or his gargantuan behemoth of a wife. Note for the record that this little rant has nothing to do with Jennie advising me to trade Randy Johnson after a few good starts, me ignoring that advice, and Randy's current extended stay on the DL. Because that never happened.

This leads me to a larger issue. Who gives a crap what any of these talking heads in sports says? I've been listening to ESPN radio in the morning (mainly because it feels wrong to watch porn at such an early hour), and this guy named Colin Cowherd starts naming his top 10 college football programs of the last 10 years. And, inexplicably, people start calling in to argue with this guy. "I think you have Tennessee ranked too low, their record was such-and-such in 1998." So what? What's the point? Does Cowherd vote for the BCS or something? Is there a cash prize for being ranked in Colin Cowherd's top 10 that is split among all alumni of the schools that make it?

Some things in life just aren't "value added." People who call in to radio talk shows. Hugh Jackman. This blog.

Dark Territory

So, I'm watching "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory," which is a fantasic Steven Seagal film, and one of the few that does not have a two- or three-word title like Above the Law, Marked for Death, Hard to Kill, Fire Down Below, Under Siege, The Glimmer Man, Out for Justice, or On Deadly Ground (which co-starred EJ). The title of the film I was watching is technically "Under Siege 2," and the rest is a subtitle, so it probably does qualify as a three-worder. In any regard, I'm watching this film and I'm noticing that Seagal's 16-year old niece is being played by an attractive young girl who is pretty distinctive looking. After watching for a little longer, I figured out that the girl was Katherine Heigl, Izzy from "Grey's Anatomy" (I guess she's also in this "Knocked Up" film but, since I have no girlfriend, I haven't seen this one).

Three thoughts come to mind. First, even though Heigl is apparently engaged or married to some jackass named Josh Kelley, she would be on my Hump Island. Let's have her replace the chick from Entourage and table the rest of that discussion for now. Second, considering I am much better looking than Mr. Kelley, and we are both musicians of some note, my chances of stealing Heigl from Mr. Kelley are probably better than 50%. Third, I wonder what's happened to some other actresses that I thought were "cute" when playing a teenager. Did they blossom (and not in the sense of did they become marginally attractive and co-star with Joey Lawrence on a TV sitcom)? Where are they now?

Is this sketchy? A bit. But am I sketchy? Absolutely. And these women are all perfectly age-appropriate now. So, without further ado, and with a big "F-You" to the copyright people (note that there is still a standing "F-You" for people who stop elevator doors from closing), I present to you some "then" and "now" pictures:


Katherine Heigl (born 1978). Pic from "My Father the Hero" (1994), and present-day. Katherine is all growns up now. Hubba hubba.


Eliza Dushku (born 1980). Pic from "True Lies" (1994), and present-day. Nice improvement by Ms. Dushku, but you could kind of see it coming. She is apparently banging Brad Penny of the LA Dodgers now.


Danielle Harris (born 1977). Pic from "The Last Boy Scout" (1991), and present-day. This one was quite a surprise to me, since Danielle's career hasn't exactly been high visibility after TLBS. Still, we are starting to see a trend - chicks that make it into movies at a young age tend to grow up to be hot. Shocker.


Natalie Portman (born 1981). Pic from "The Professional" (1994), and present-day. Probably the one that started it all - my college roommate Ben had an unhealthy obsession with Natalie in that film (note for the record that he had many unhealthy obsessions, such as Sega Hockey, Howard Stern, and delivering cheese to sorority houses).

There are others. If I had seen Beautiful Girls I might know that some chick in that movie was supposedly hot and thirteen (Uma Thurman?). Also, Drew Barrymore was in movies at a young age but I'd say she is the exception to the rule since I don't find her attractive and if anything I am a little repulsed by her. Though I am sure that feeling isn't mutual.

Speaking of "Where Are They Now," did you know that Jon Gries, better known as Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, played Laslo Hollyfeld in the Val Kilmer classic "Real Genius"? You did? Well, F-You.

The No Bench-press Association

The totally irrelevant professional sports league that is the National Basketball Association just had its annual draft. This is not to be confused with the annual fantasy basketball draft that used to take place at Shanghai Kelly's on a cocktail napkin for the now legendary "Whiting v. Wood" 2-team fantasy basketball league. I don't know what has happened more recently, that fantasy draft or a new TAP blog post.

The Seattle Sonics were roundly praised for selecting Kevin Durant with the second overall pick in the NBA draft. I am disappointed that the Sonics did not get Greg Oden, since I think Wood still follows the NBA and I would have liked to be able to ask him questions like "Does Oden ever talk about what World War II was like?" Nevertheless, the Sonics got Durant.

The Sonics also hired PJ Carliesimo to coach their team. Carliesimo enjoyed substantial success in the college ranks at Seton Hall and went on to fail as an NBA coach at several stops. You might remember that Carliesimo was the coach of the Golden State Warriors when he was choked by one of his players, shooting guard Latrell "I Got a Family to Feed" Sprewell (note welts on neck):



I think this is a dicey hire for the Sonics. You see, a 6'10" player with a 7'+ wingspan like Durant has could choke Carliesimo from a considerable distance. However, this may be countered by the fact that Durant cannot bench-press 185 pounds - so he is probably too weak to apply enough force to effectively choke his coach:



If I paid any attention the NBA, I'd be curious to see how this plays out.

Hump Day Ramblings

Late-night, mid-week ramblings. Much easier to crank out than organized, humorous posts...

I have been on four online dates. On the "10" scale for attractiveness, the girls were a "7", a "9", an "8" and an "8" (the Wood Dog can independently verify these statistics). Unfortunately, they all have serious personality flaws and/or are insane, which explains why women that look like that would be using an online dating service...

There is a girl at my work that is a "5" on the attractiveness scale, and by "5" I mean "4". She told me the other day that she is an "8.5" (or a "9" if she puts on makeup)...

One day I will write a movie script. It will have a coherent plot, but the dialogue willl be comprised entirely of quotes from other movies...

If I could get the license for it, I think I'd make a trillion dollars selling NFL Draft beer...

I aspire to play twins in a bad movie (I don't know if one person has ever played twins in a good movie, though Chris Knight pulled off the feat in an excellent Brady Bunch episode). I also aspire to act in a movie as a cop that doesn't play by the rules...

Celebrities I have been told I look like include Jim Carrey, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Mark Anthony...

Since I've moved to San Diego, I've been considering launching a boxing career. I would fight as "Oscar de La Jolla"...

One day I will participate in the running of the bulls in Spain. Not sure if I will ever participate in the running of the bullshitters in North Beach...

If I could pick one karaoke song to be able to nail at any time, I'd probably pick Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam...

The last movie I saw in a theater was Snakes on a Plane...

I will participate in the Hermosa Ironman again...

To paraphrase Mitch Hedberg, I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that...

I think Mitch Hedberg is overrated. I think performers who die young are generally overrated...

Speaking of dying, about two years ago, I invested equal amounts of money in a funeral company and in a medical company that produces equipment for an experimental heart procedure that would benefit me. Kind of a Life or Death investment, really. Both stocks were trading at $8 when I made the investment. "Life" is now trading at $5.92. "Death" is trading at $13.79...

In related news, I have put together a playlist for my own funeral. Songs include "Lucky Man" (The Verve), "Juicy" (Notorious BIG), "Nothingman" (Pearl Jam) and "High and Dry" (Radiohead)...

I realized we've gone too far with our televised sports when Trey Wingo, the ESPN studio host for NFL Live, congratulated his fellow studio-mates for an "unbelievable mock draft"...

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know (use the comment button)...

I almost always have a first-person shooter (i.e. a Doom-style game) and a role-playing video game going. Currently, these are "Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood" and "Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind"...

That last entry explains a lot about my eternal singlehood...

Josh Bard, catcher for the San Diego Padres may be the worst sports interview on the planet. It's not just that he has nothing to say, it's also how he doesn't say it. The phrase "you know" is repeated about every fourth word. So that's, you know, something that, you know, I am really, you know, annoyed by...

I can't watch most sports talk shows, but I really can't watch them when they have guest hosts. "I'm Doug Gottlieb, and here's what I'm burning about." Who gives a rat's ass what you're burning about...

Although well produced, I don't understand the popularity of "Deal or No Deal" (or as I call it, "America's Bad at Math"). I did see Howie Mandel at the Venetian in Vegas about four months ago. He apparently thinks he is hot shit now...

I have not dunked a basketball since college. I believe I could dunk a basketball if I trained to do so. Would probably take me about 2-3 months to get there I think...

I slept with women I work with at my two jobs prior to the current one. That never turns out well. I have never had sex in the workplace, however...

The funniest line I ever saw on the Newlywed Game was when the wife was asked what was the most unusual place she and her husband made whoopee. The wife answered "the butt"...

I used to think I could make a living playing golf if I had the time and money to practice full time, hire a swing coach, etc. I think I used to be wrong...

At one time, if I could only eat one food for the rest of my life I would have chosen spaghetti. Sushi is my favorite food, but I can only have it occasionally and wouldn't enjoy it every day. Now the food I would choose for the rest of my life is chicken burritos...

Dunk Contest

It is taking forever to finish my Online Dating Field Reports. Probaby because I haven't really been working on them. In the meantime, I submit to you the following videos that I enjoyed. They feature some random college kids dunking on a nerf hoop. Good production values, well done overall.



And the sequel:



Originally found these links at Sports Guy on ESPN.com.