Strip Mining

One of the chicks I was dating (the chick in question being "Myspace Girl") broke up with me via e-mail. Regardless of the validity of her reasons (apparently not everyone likes The Shocker), when did it become ok to do that via e-mail? I remember one of those "funny" e-mails that was going around some time ago, a form break-up e-mail with a bunch of check boxes, but that was always a joke. Henceforth, she shall be known as "E-mail Dumper"...

Not that my patented break up methods are much better - I call them "Be An A-Hole Until They Break Up With You" and "Just Don't Call Them Anymore"...

One of life's simple pleasures is a weekend plane trip that straddles the beginning of a new month, because you get different in-flight magazines, and therefore different crossword puzzles, for the flight there and the flight home...

Sean Marks has been in the NBA for seven of the past nine years despite a lack of any discernable basketball skill. Including this year his career earnings will be about $5 million. I guess when you're talking about the end of an NBA bench, you're looking for someone who will practice hard and who people like. I remember Marks as being a pretty affable guy at Cal, and he somehow had the ability to play in a basketball game at Harmon, and then to get to Henry's before you did, even if you walked directly there from the arena...

Other Cal players of little note, and their career NBA earnings: Geno Carlisle ($66K), Sean Lampley ($1 million), Ed Gray ($2.5 million), Jamal Sampson ($3.1 million), Francisco Elson ($4.7 million), Michael "Yogi" Stewart ($25.2(!) million)...

An NBA "All-White" team would probably look something like this:

PG Steve Nash
SG Manu Ginoboli
SF Mike Miller
PF Dirk Nowitski
C Pau Gasol

There is only one American-born player on that list. I used to have an "All-Ugly" team in mind, but I haven't been following the Association for the past 10 years or so, so I don't really know who plays anymore. Dirk might still make that list though...

Among the many things in this world that piss me off, the "band pretending to be done with their show when they are obviously going to come back out and play the two hit songs they didn't play during the show, but they want to go backstage and listen to the crowd cheer for awhile and feed their egos" is moving toward the top of the list. I know you're going to play Sweet Caroline, and you know you're going to play Sweet Caroline, so just play it jackasses. On a related note, Def Leppard used to give their one-armed drummer incredibly long drum solos in the middle of the show. I thought it was just to be cool and showcase the drummer's talent, but later learned that the other band members would go backstage during these solos for coke and BJs...

One of the few disadvantages of living in SD is the fact that you are constantly carpet-bombed by advertisements for mortgage companies and refinancing. So, if rates were at historical lows two years ago, tell me again why it makes sense for me to refinance now? Apparently the secret is "lying." This was kind of explored in the book Freakonomics, where a seller's real estate agent was telling the buyer what a great deal he was getting because the market was about to take off. The agent then asked the buyer if he needed an agent to sell his current home. The buyer told the agent that he intended to sell that home by himself, and the agent told him he really needed the assistance of a broker because the market is in the tank...

So, with the E-mail Dumper over with, and with Two on the express train to Friendsville, it looks like I will be starting over. Where is there to turn? Go back online? Mixed feelings about that one. A friend of mine is currently banging a stripper, and she apparently has a stripper friend that my friend wants me to, well, bang. I've never banged a stripper, but it doesn't seem to be all that uncommon in SD. I mean, its not like you're dating them, is it? I'm told she isn't terribly bright, this potential bangee, so I don't imagine I'll end up going through with it. If I don't enjoy talking to them, I don't usually put any effort into banging them. Which is why SD is the wrong town for me, long-term...

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween, you jackals. Here's me in my costume. I'll give you three guesses as to who or what I'm supposed to be:

a) a homeless guy
b) a metrosexual homeless guy
c) an Australian tourist
d) coach Bill Belichick of the NFL's New England Patriots

(Bonus points if you understand the convoluted reference in choice "c")

The answer, of course, is "d" but it would be understandable if you guessed "b" (most SD girls did). The sweatshirt isn't the exact one Belichick wears, and he sometimes wears khakis instead of track pants, but I think you get the point. I tried to do the Belichick hair part but after a full day of fauxhawing my loaf was pretty uncooperative. Belichick never wears sunglasses, but these have a working digital "spy camera" attached to the side, so I thought it appropriate. Plus I had the added bonus of being able to wear sunglasses at night and indoors, and who doesn't love that? Overall, the costume was fun to have on, but violated the First Rule of Halloween Costumes: give chicks a reason to talk to you (or alternatively, wear something with some sex appeal).

I'm holding a toy camcorder in the photo that is actually a Transformers toy. The camera "transforms" into a handgun of some sort. The gun actually looks more like a camera than the camera does. But WTF is up with Transformers that don't turn into a robot at some point? Wasn't that the whole point of the Transformers? These are robots from outer space that take on the shapes of earth objects to disguise themselves. But aren't they all robots, and not just objects that change into other objects? So I feel kind of like an A-hole for contributing real American dollars to this cheapening of the Transformer brand.

All in all, this getup is quite comfortable, and I've taken to wearing it around the house like pajamas. Maybe that's why Bill wears it in the first place.

Old Man and Me

On my way to work Friday morning, I had stopped at a stop sign near my house and started into the intersection when I nearly got into an accident with a car traveling from my right to my left. That intersection is a 4 way stop, and the car in question blew right through his stop sign. Driver of the offending car was a dude, fairly old. Dude stops in the middle of the intersection, as do I, and I lean on my horn a bit. I point two of my fingers at my eyes, then point to the stop sign he ignored. Or maybe he thought STOP means Spin Tires On Pavement. Whatever the reason, I was trying to communicate that he should have used his eyes and looked at the stop sign. I think I was doing this in proper Scuba sign language, but who knows, maybe I was telling him to f*ck off. In any event, dude just flips me off, and continues to drive. So I follow him for a bit, then I have a couple of thoughts. First, I probably should be getting to work, so I don't know if I have time for a low-speed chase through the streets of La Jolla. Second, did I want to fight the guy when he finally stopped and got out of the car? I did, but I see now that this was a lose-lose proposition: either I could be the guy who beat up a 60-year old man, or I could be the guy who was beat up by a 60-year old man. So I let my quarry escape, and drove on to work. If I'd had a rock or other throwable object, I would have thrown it at his car though. I don't really get the "I'm completely in the wrong here but f*ck you anyway" response from dude. But maybe I should admire that?

And now, for some more of the deep thoughts that you all find so boring AND tedious at the same time...

It would not bother me at all if the show "Pardon the Interruption" (ESPN, afternoons) got rid of Tony Kornheiser completely. Tony doesn't make the "he's on my fantasy team" joke as often as he used to, but he is still pretty much a complete tool. I think he's even copying Madden with a "taking a bus to Monday Night Football" thing. Take a hint from the TV show that was based on his life and immediately cancelled, and dump the guy. They can't replace him with occasional guest Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe, however, because Bob is not capable of uttering a coherent sentence (though I do not know if the "words" come out the same way he sees them in his head). Dan LeBatard of the Miami Herald would be a fine choice to pair with Wilbon, however...

Speaking of PTI, there is a terrible show on before it called "Around the Horn" that consists of 4 talking heads yelling about the sports events of the day and taking ridiculous stands to be "controversial" and "interesting." That show is hosted by Anthony Reale (I know this because my Tivo of PTI picks up the last 30 seconds or so of this other piece of crap). Anthony Reale is also "Stat Boy" on PTI, which is a much lesser position. You'd think that after Reale became the host of the other show he'd quit his post as Stat Boy, yet he presses onward...

An immutable law of adult films and magazines: solo chicks are hotter than lesbian chicks are hotter than hetero chicks...

I have been drinking a lot of "protein drinks," and I don't mean the Castro or Hillcrest kinds. Rather, you dump a bunch of flavored protein powder into a glass of water and mix it up, the point being the have a lo-carb, high-protein diet. I wonder how it would turn out if you mix vodka, the low-carb alochol of choice, with the protein drink. One of the protein flavors is chocolate. A chocolate martini tastes good, but what about a chocolate "proteini"?

Danny Glover is a well-respected actor for no apparent reason. He is TERRIBLE in EVERYTHING. Grand Canyon, Predator 2, the Lethal Weapon series, Saw, and the 3,000 other movies he's been in. Yet he continues to find work, and he's won a bunch of acting awards, such as a Cable ACE award, Image award, MTV Movie Award, and an I Can't Believe It's Not An Oscar!! How has no one else (like casting agents, for instance) noticed his utter lack of talent?

Caught the first part of Talladega Nights the other night. Leslie Bibb, who plays Will Ferrell's wife, is one balls hot chick. Apparently she's done a fair amount of TV work but is just getting into movies. I imagine we'll be (the public, and sadly not the Royal We) hearing a bit more from Ms. Bibb...

If I were forced at gunpoint to make a list of four comedians that are like fingernails on the chalkboard of my soul, the list would look a lot like this: Chris Tucker, Jim Breuer, Ben Stiller, Martin Lawrence.

The Governator is on Fire

Now for a moment of levity amidst disaster, Arnold has been all over the TV regarding the California wildfires, and quite frankly he's crushing it. Here are some selected quotes from our Governor. They are much funnier if you read them in your best Schwarzenegger voice:

We had a unfortuante situation where we had three things come together: very dry areas, very hot weather, and a lot of wind. So this makes the perfect storm for fire.

We are getting continual updates and doing all we can to protect the lives and also the property.

Anyone that is complaining about the planes just wants to complain because this is a bunch of nonsense. The fact is that we have all the planes in the world here, we have 90 aircraft here and they cannot fly because of the wind situation.

Eighteen firefighters have been injured, four of them I visited yesterday the hospital in San Diego, they have severe burn wounds and so on.

Hundreds of people have been evacuated under monetary, mandatory, precautionary and voluntary evacuations.

At Del Mar, where we had 1800 vulnerable citizens there from nursery homes, so they had to be evacuated and they needed medical attention so we had to get doctors there, nurses, we had to get ambulances there, we had to get medical facilities where they can be transported, some of them needed dialysis, some of them had heart problems and diabetes and so on.

We were concerned, do we have enough cots down here, do we have enough blankets, do we have enough food, do we have water, do we have the baby formulas, do we have the diapers, do we have enough toilet paper, do we have enough toilets?

San Difuego

Stuff is on fire around here. My home and office are not immediately in danger, and in fact are not on any mandatory or voluntary evacuation lists, but the general fire situation is said to be worse than in 2003. I wasn't here then but I understand it was pretty bad. I know some people that have lost everything, and some that have been evacuated. I live (rent) in a wealthy area near the coast, which I would suppose is pretty much the last place the firefighters would allow to burn. Theoretically I could end up trapped between the fire to the north and the other one by the US/Mexico border, but the fire would have to burn through pretty much the whole city to get here. The office has been closed the last two days, and will be again tomorrow. So far, smoke and ash all over everything have been the biggest issues - the air is considered unhealthy to breathe. The store by my house is pretty much sold out of milk, water and other short-term survival items. Probably people remembering the last time there were bad fires.

There are two main fires - these are the Witch fire to the northeast and the Harris fire to the southeast. As you can see from the photo, the smoke is blowing out to sea quite a ways. I have a friend here who is a firefighter and, assuming he makes it through this ok, I am sure he will use that to get into the pants of some unsuspecting girls. As if he doesn't do that enough already.

The issue is the Santa Ana winds, which have been uncharacteristically strong and blowing from east to west. Wednesday night and Thursday morning, they are supposed to subside a bit and change direction, so the fires should stop moving toward the coast. Del Mar was briefly evacuated and it is another wealthy area on the coast, about 10-15 miles north. It was a little odd that the authorities were sending evacuaees and pets, horses, etc. to the Del Mar fairgrounds even while Del Mar was being evacuated. Same deal with high schools in Carlsbad. A lot of people are being allowed back into their homes now.

Qualcomm stadium is a big evacuation point. Governor Schwarzenegger has been walking around there, meeting with victims. The President is supposed to be coming out here on Thursday. It may be interesting to compare FEMA's response here with the response in New Orleans, seeing as how San Diego is pretty white.

I did volunteer my spare room for evacuees, but so far the space hasn't been filled with any single, hot blondes. That makes sense, as the evacuating areas are generally single family neighborhoods. Not too many families want to squeeze into one room and share a bathroom in a place that doesn't allow pets. I've also volunteered to move out entirely, staying with a friend, but no one has taken me up on that.

Sentimentality is not my strong suit, but thoughts (and prayers for those who believe in that sort of thing) are with the victims. The following sources seem to have current information, though they are occasionally down - probably due to overcrowding the servers.

General news (San Diego Union Tribune)

Map of fire and evacuated areas (UT)

UT's Fire Blog

San Diego State has some great fire coverage and information

Jenna 6

I am vaguely aware of the "Jena 6," which I believe is the media's name for a group of black students charged with beating a white student at a southern high school following the hanging of a noose or two from a tree on the school's campus. And that is the extent to which I will write about the Jena 6. Social commentary and intelligent, relevant thought are for suckers.

The Jenna 6 is a collection of celebrity and semi-celebrity chicks named Jenna, ranked in order of attractiveness for your viewing pleasure.

6. Jenna Bush

The daughter of President / Monkey George W. Bush, Jenna Bush is apparently 26 years old or so. I thought she had done some modeling, but based on an internet search (and even more based on looking at her picture) that apparently is not true. Some chick named Lauren Bush seems to be a fashion model and is related to our Presimonkey somehow, and she is a bit hotter than Jenna. I guess Jenna is pretty cute in a "Wouldn't it be cool to bone the President's daughter" sort of way, but that's about all she does for me. Her fraternal twin Barbara, also seen in the photo, looks like she might be a little nugget, even though Barbara is an old woman's name (as is Ruth).

5. Jenna Fischer

Here's Jenna Fischer from "The Office." She has something of a dark side on that show, and apparently shows it off a bit in this Blades of Glory film. However, I am a little behind on my Will Ferrell movie viewing, considering I haven't seen Elf yet, so I haven't seen BOG either. Jenna is pretty plain Jane looking, but it is unclear how much of that is her TV character. I am guessing that if you lived in a small town, you'd think Jenna is really hot, so that is good casting. But I doubt you'd notice her if you were walking in LA on Sunset Boulevard on a Sunday afternoon. Which you wouldn't be doing in the first place since (according to Missing Persons) Nobody Walks in LA. As for this Jenna, I could take it or leave it, and right now I'm leaning toward "leave it." Now if I could just get her to quit calling me.

4. Jenna Presley

Jenna Presley is an, um, "adult" film star. By that I do not mean that she is an adult who stars in films. She doesn't make this list because she is particularly attractive, and in fact I am no big fan of her work. I certainly don't like girls with tattoos, which sort of limits my choices when it comes to adult film viewing. I also don't like any sort of interracial adult films, and I am not a huge fan of lesbianism either, which leaves me with like 3 adult movies I can watch. But the thing about Jenna is that she is from San Diego, and you need to pimp the locals. More importantly, she has posted some comedy gold on what is apparently her official website. (Link is probably ok for work viewing, but still not a good idea. Besides, all the good stuff is reproduced below.)

"I was born and raised in San Diego, California on April 1, 1987."

Now, I know the life of a porn star can prematurely age you, but she was born AND raised in one day?

"I was a strait A student in high school"

Oh dear. No Child Left Behind, please meet your party at the curb.

3. Jenna Elfman

It's Dharma from Dharma and Greg! I think the TV People have tried to keep this Jenna in the spotlight a bit, as I can sort of recall some failed shows starring this chick after D&G was mercifully cancelled. This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I remember seeing a TV ad for a celebrity golf tournament, and the announcer was pimping the celebs that would be playing. So, they would show Robert Wagner, and say "Robert Wagner!" and show Corbin Bernsen and say "Corbin Bersen!" etc. Anyway, they end up showing this tool and the TV voice announces him as "Greg from Dharma and Greg!" So this poor bastard was technically a celebrity, but not well known enough that they'd actually use his name in promotionals. Not that I feel too badly for him, since he's probably piled more chicks on this Jenna list than I have. But lets get back to Jenna Elfman. She's actually a little hotter in that picture than I remember her. Certainly she's distinctive looking and can look a little scary from time to time, but let's give her a thumbs up for now.

2. Jenna Dewan

Jenna Dewan is your typical pretty darned attractive, up and coming actress who will probably get lost in the shuffle and end up doing voice work for video games. She is not the hottest thing on the planet by any means, but on this list of Jennas she certainly deserves this spot and maybe even the top ranking, since the Jenna in the top spot is a little too obvious. If the internet is to be believed, Jenna dated Justin Timberlake for some period of time. My Mom has actually partied with JT - it is kind of a long story but the gist of it is that she was in Orlando at a convention and there was a buzz in the restaurant that N'Sync was there. My Mom's boyfriend, not being the shy type, apparently yells out "Hey N'Sync! Come over here and let me buy you some shots!" I guess JT was impressed by this, and the band members that were over 21 went and had some Patron shots with the boyfriend. JT said that people usually don't buy them drinks, but that it is the other way around, and invited them to a party later that night. Apparently my Mom and her boyfriend went, and got into the club but were denied access to the VIP area where JT and the rest of the band were. However, JT saw them getting hassled, and went over and told the security people to let them in. According to eyewitnesses, this VIP room was about 80% female, and about 79.5% balls hot female. I will never forgive my Mom for not calling me - I could have been on a plane and met them in like 6 hours. But where were we? Oh yeah, Jenna Dewan is hot.

1. Jenna Jameson

I actually don't like porn stars all that much. I think it would be a turnoff to meet one in person, and regardless of how they look physically I think they lose about 2 points on the 10 scale due to their profession. Maybe I would just be overpowered by a porn star's sexuality and be into it, but I think I wouldn't want anything to do with one, issues with disappointing them aside - it just kind of creeps me out. After seeing the Pam Anderson / Tommy Lee video, I never really found Pam attractive after that, even though she is often cited as some female ideal as far as beauty. I think Hannah Harper (again, maybe acceptable for the office but probably not) is about the hottest porn star out there, but since this post isn't about the Hannah 6, we are stuck with Jenna. There is a pretty interesting Biography on Jenna on A&E, and I think she's been on some shows like Bill O'Reilly to defend the porn industry. She is supposedly really smart and has built quite a little porn empire, and I know she also appears on Howard Stern's show with some regularity. I didn't want to give her the top spot, but I think she deserves it if we are basing the order solely on the photos I've included. So, here she is. If you don't think she should be here, drop me a line and I'll refund your money.

Porno Corner

I used to have a talent for parodying actual movie names into fake porn movie names. A friend who started his own beer company claimed to have a talent for this as well, but his solution was to add "anal" to the title of every movie. So, for instance, "Rush Hour 3" would be "Anal Rush Hour 3." The only time he ever strayed from this formula was for "Planet of the Gapes" which I am not sure is even funny, but he found it hilarious.

Some of the classics include:

There's Something Inside Mary
How Stella Got Her Groove Packed
Wet Dreams May Come
Rugburns in Paris
Bi-Curious George
Star Trek: Insert Erection
Gladheateher
Pokeahotass
The Sopornos
Sperminator 2: Judgment Spray
The Da Vinci Load
Shaving Ryan's Privates

There's a million of 'em, but it is getting late and I have to go to the gym. So, I think the way to do this is to keep a list to the right of the latest and greatest parody porno names. I think I can delete my Hot or Not score - I think everyone (operative word being "one") that reads this page knows JW got a 4.7. Not my finest hour.

Unrelated to porn but related to sex (I can imagine the kinds of people that will find this page once Google parses out this post, though), I was out on a date with this chick and we were playing the "porn name" game, where your porn first name is the name of your first pet, and your porn last name is the name of the street you grew up on. So, we determined that my porn name is "Jessie West 14th Avenue." That doesn't make a lot of sense, so we needed to decide between the nearest cross street ("Jessie Defrain" - not bad) or to use a portion of the actual street name, making me "Jessie West" or "Jessie 14." Now, I think there already is someone named Jessie West - there must be since there is a Randy West and a Peter North. Sometimes having a talent for remembering things like guys' porn names is not a blessing and actually makes one appear pretty gay, like ironing, using a lot of hair product, or giving handjobs in the Circle K parking lot. And Jessie 14, well, that sort of implies something that I really am not going to be able to deliver on. Yes, I will admit that I do not have a 14 inch penis. I realize this seems impossible - after all, the results of an informal survey taken at the Horny Toad in Blythe indicate that the average penis size of a Blythe male is over 12 inches. However, you have to remember that I moved to Blythe when I was 6 years old, so I might have missed some of that growth spurt. Pun maybe intended, but I think I get a pass for that.

In any event, my date (this would be Myspace Girl for those of you that have been following my adventures) indicated that she really wouldn't want to date anyone who grew up anywhere north of about 6th or 7th street. Which is nice, because I'd only had to have walked about 3 or 4 blocks north to go visit her ideal boyfriend.

Unrelated item: Plaxico Burress, being interviewed on the radio after MNF, gave a quote that is destined for the Joe Theisman Master of the Obvious Hall of Fame: "If our offense can score about 30 points and the defense can hold them under 17 points, we're going to win a lot of those games."

The Dark Side

"Screw California."-- Rogue Wave, California

Below I've pasted an e-mail I sent earlier this week in regards to Saturday's college football contest pitting Oregon State against #2 California, in Berkeley.

Date: Tue, 9 Oct 2007 14:15:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "JW"
Subject: numbers
To: "TWD," "TCALFB"

Just a few items that may be of interest to no one.

OSU average points for/against 27.5 / 25.2
CAL: 39.4 / 24.4

OSU average yards, offense pass/rush/total: 244.8 / 155.2 / 400
CAL: 227.4 / 201.4 / 428.8

OSU average yards, defense pass/rush/total: 246.7 / 43.5 / 290.2
CAL: 268 / 124 / 392

So... CAL opponents outgain OSU opponents by about 100 yards per game, yet OSU gives up 1 more point per game. Either CAL is blowing out opponents and they are getting cheap yards at the end, or CAL is getting turnonvers or otherwise "bending but not breaking." I'm interested to see if we can run on them since apparently no one can.

CAL outgains OSU by about 20 yards per game, but outscores OSU by 14 PPG. This probably reflects some combination of defensive opportunism (turnovers in opponent's territory, Pick 6) and DeSean Jackson running back kicks for scores.

OSU is a 14 point underdog. Seems like too many based on the foregoing. Besides DeSean and the return game, the teams look pretty evenly matched.
OSU's early-season schedule doesn't look that much worse than ours, so I don't think strength of opponent explains things. Someone please tell me what I am missing.

Note that I do not condone playing the dark side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final Score of said college football contest: Oregon State 31, California 28.

I watched the game but have not read, watched or listened to any post-game analysis. Below are some of my thoughts, ramblings and pontifications about the game.

1. Cal pretty much had no business being in a position to tie the game. Some bad coverage and tackling by OSU in the fourth quarter. I'd questioned defenses that go into the "prevent" defense, since, as they say, all it does is prevent the team from winning. Now I see it firsthand - if the offense hits some big plays they are much bigger against the base defense, and an offense can come all the way back this way.

2. The officials blew it in failing to penalize OSU near the end of the first half. QB Canfield was about 3 yards beyond the line of scrimmage when he threw an incomplete pass and this was not noticed or was ignored by the zebras. Assuming no Butterfly Effect, the penalty would have added 5 yards to the FG attempt. The kicker for OSU has a big leg, having made a 58-yarder against Cal previously in his career. The 52-yarder was easily "good", but I think there is a big difference, physically and mentally, between a 57-yard attempt and a 52-yard attempt. Tack on an extra 5 yards and you've got a kicker with a different mindset, a kick that needs to be lower to travel the extra distance, and the (unlikely) possibility the coaches would deem that too far a kick to attempt.

3. Really would have been nice to score a TD instead of failing on 4 running plays at the goal line. I don't disagree with the concept or the play calling, but would think you've got to be able to impose your will and pick up those yards, even against OSU's run defense.

4. Would also have been nice to make the FG in the first half.

5. QB Kevin Riley (henceforth, "Mr. Retardo") made one of the most monumentally stupid plays I've ever seen in a college football game, in running up the middle with no (i) clear path to the goal line; (ii) time to do such a thing; (iii) intelligence; or (iv) timeouts left. I keep a list of people who are intelligent and aware of their surroundings, and Mr. Retardo has been banned from that list for life. You almost hate to kill the kid for making a mistake that an experienced player probably wouldn't have. But not even trying to get back to the line of scrimmage and spike the ball after being tackled, but instead running off the field with the ball and flipping it to the kicker? WTF was Mr. Retardo thinking?!??

6. Mr. Retardo played his prep football for the Beaverton High School Beavers... ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? How could we not see a choke against the OREGON STATE BEAVERS coming a mile away? What's next, Cal signs a kicker named Stanford Leland who goes 0 for 18 on the season?

7. I think Cal's kicker had a pretty good shot at making the 30-yard FG and sending the game to overtime. Maybe try for the win with Nate in there, but not Mr. Retardo. Although to be honest, I like that they went for one more play when they did. Live with the kid or die with the kid... I just can't believe Mr. Retardo tried to run it in.

8. I'm interested to see what the PTI guys have to say about this on Monday. I'll bet they both go easy on the kid for being inexperienced.

Where's Griswold?

Dark Territory may be the most commented upon of my posts to date. By "most commented" I mean that one person made a single reference to the post while I was talking to them. But that comment was not lost on me, and in the content business we've got to give people what they want or they may just visit a different blog for their daily dose of blog inanity.

So, WTF is up with all the different Audrey Griswolds they tried to foist upon us in the Nation Lampoon's vacation movies? There are four movies that I can recall (Vacation, European Vacation, Christmas Vacation and Vegas Vacation), and at least four different actresses. Were the original actresses too busy? No longer age appropriate? Did they refuse to appear in the next film on the advice of their agents, because the scripts were bad? If so, hopefully these women fired their agents long ago since none of these actresses are household names, and some are so obscure that they might not even have households. But let's stop dancing around the issue, which is this: how "doable" are these chicks now? Following the prior format, we'll present a "then" and "now" picture for comparison purposes. Note that although a girl's "Doability rating" is measured on the 10 scale, it is not a measure of the girl's attractiveness. Think of it this way: in college you may have met a girl at a party that you thought was a 6, but there was a 100% chance you were going to try and take her back to your dorm room and have sex with her. In that case, she'd get a 10 on the "doability" scale. Now, on with the show:

Here's Audrey from "Vacation", also known as Dana Barron. Dana is currently 41 years old, but I have no idea when that picture was taken. You see, when people fall out of the public eye, apparently there are very few current pictures of them on the internet. Of course, if you were to compare the number of pictures of Dana Barron with the number of unique page views I get in a day, you'd end up with infinitely more Dana pictures. But I digress. Let's give her a Doability Rating of 5/10.

Here's Audrey from "European Vacation", also known as Dana Hill. Apparently they figured audiences would assume a marginally attractive brunette actress with the same first name is, in fact, the same actress from the original Vacation. I mean, maybe she just got married and changed her name. And I understand that lots of married people kind of let themselves go and get less attractive after they are married, so it would be understandable if she wasn't hot at all and looked nothing like herself. However, it turns out that this is not the same Dana. It also turns out that this Dana is dead. She died in 1996, at age 32. Poor bastard. She gets a Doability Rating of 0/10 (or 4/10 if you are into that sort of thing).

Audrey from "Christmas Vacation", also known as Juliette Lewis. Who knew? She looked like she was going to grow up to be hot in Cape Fear, and don't get me wrong, there are hot pictures of her out there. I've even included one above. However, I am pretty repulsed by her now. Juliette is currently 34 years old. Maybe it was her role in Natural Born Killers, or her performance in Old School, or her wrist tat, or the fact that she is age appropriate for me and I hate that, but this chick disturbs me. Ostensibly she has a lot of doability potential but I am just not seeing it. Your mileage may vary, but I'll give her a Doability Rating of 5/10.

Finally, its Audrey from "Vegas Vacation", also known as Marisol Nichols. (Sidenote: What the hell is Tiki Barber doing in that movie?) Marisol is currently 33 years old. Now, she's by no means the hottest thing on the planet, but in my mind she is far and away the hottest Audrey in the group. That's kind of like being the best player on the Kansas City Royals, or the king of the dipsh!ts, but it is better than nothing. I guess she's still working some, so she's got some incentive not to let herself go and hasn't. For my money, I'll give her a Doability Rating of 9/10.

The name Griswold sounded familiar to me, so I did some additional checking. Turns out Griswold is the name of a blacksmith/merchant in Diablo, which was a wildly popular computer game. Personally, I am not into anime and didn't sport any wood during the Final Fantasy movie, but I am including him here because a burly computer-generated dude with a Scottish accent (no, not Sean Connery) might be someone else's cup of tea. In Diablo 2, Griswold becomes some sort of undead creature you have to fight. In that case Dana #2 might give him a higher score, but for now he gets a Doability Rating of 0/10 (2/10 if he's selling any cool weapons).

There's one last Griswold I can think of off the top of my head: Dr. Molly Griswold, played by Rene Russo in Tin Cup. I think of her as a poor man's Michelle Pfeiffer, but only if the poor man in question is actually hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer. She's currently 53(!) years old, but I'd still say she's pretty doable. I think she nudes up in Thomas Crown Affair, but this is a family blog so I will leave you to your own Googling on that one (tip: make sure SafeSearch is off and search for Rene Russo, or just click here, and check out the first three hits. Incidentally, I've always thought of Julianne Moore as a poor man's Rene Russo, and Julianne nudes up in quite a few films, including The Big Lebowski. But let's give the good Dr. a Doability Rating of 7/10, shall we?

Pillow Bites II

After a short refractory period, I've got a few things to add to the first installment of Pillow Bites (which of course, was the second installment of Pillow Talk, which in turn was the third installment of Hump Day Ramblings)...

FYI - the red puddle in the photo is a gag pillow. I may be something of a sick f*ck but I am not THAT much of a sick f*ck. Halloween is just around the corner, you dig?

I was discussing my "Cloak and Dater" idea of changing the female names in my phone to male names with a girl in PB last weekend, as a method of throwing girls I'm seeing off the trail if they ever sneak a look at my phone. This girl told me that chicks are wise to this (as I somewhat suspected), and get very suspicious if they go through a dude's phone and there aren't any chick names in there. When I mentioned the alternatives, the girl agreed that "Last name, first initial" is probably the best way to go, since it would be difficult to justify asking a lot of questions about contact info entered in this manner. It is a little bit of a problem for me and my "smart" phone since it wants to synch with my Outlook contacts, but I will improvise, adapt, overcome...

I understand that sneezing is biologically the closest a human gets to having an orgasm without actually having an orgasm. I will be in the corner with a pepper shaker if anyone needs me...

"Defenestrate" is a verb meaning "to throw out of a window." Probably the most famous example of defenestration occurs while Longshanks is asking Philip for advice on how to deal with William Wallace...

My Freecell winning percentage is up to 77%...

One of life's great pleasures is having your hair washed and cut...

A dude on the radio was reading off funny cat names the other day. I don't usually go for that sort of thing, but someone had named their cat "Junior SayMeow" which I thought was pretty clever...

The Bravo Channel named "The Princess Bride" as the 50th funniest movie of all time. I really enjoyed the movie when I saw it the first time. I remember thinking it was clever. But "funny"? Really?...

Pillow Bites

The title is a cross between "Pillow Talk" and "Dog Bites," from the Wood Dog Blog. Someone tell Dr. Freud to hurry his ass up (pun intended?)...

Why is it that McCoy still gets angry when he says something heartfelt to Spock, and Spock replies with a logical answer that misses the point of the original sentiment? You'd think after all this time, McCoy would have figured it out. Spock may be half human, BUT HE IS ALSO HALF VULCAN. HE IS LOGICAL. It WOULD NOT, HAS NOT, AND WILL NOT occur to Spock to say something emotional or "mushy"...

"Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse is the best song of 2007 so far...

There are movies that, although I didn't like them in the theater, I always seem to flip to and watch for awhile if they are on cable. These movies include "Sideways," "Password: Swordfish," "Flight of the Intruder" and "The Last Castle"...

There is about 15 minutes of footage in Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace that stands up against anything in the Star Wars films. This 15 minutes includes most of the pod race, all of the Darth Maul fight scenes, and no Jar Jar...

Movie Trivia: What are the full character names of at least two of the three male leads in "Old School"? No Googling...

WTF does "soup to nuts" mean? I mean, I know what it means, but why does it mean that?...

For Halloween, I had planned on dressing as "Wedding Crashers" with a friend who looks a bit like Vince Vaughn. Following Owen Wilson's suicide attempt, I can't decide whether to scrap the idea, or just wear bandages around my wrists in addition to the tuxedo and blond wig...

I will play another game of sloshball (the softball kind, not the kickball kind) before I die...

I sometimes change the name of my fantasy team to mock that week's opponent. In the past I have called my team at various times "Hanford R2 Units", "Jell-O Fever", "Dude, Where's My Hot Tub?", "My Big Fat Homoerotic Greek Wedding", and "Sailor's Ball 1991"...

I was sixteen when I first kissed a girl. It was after prom. Her name was Emmie. It did not go well...

My brother and I were once out in Hollywood on a Saturday night, and he was wearing a Drew Bledsoe replica Patriots jersey. He somehow managed to convince people at the Cat & Fiddle that he actually was Drew Bledsoe. This despite the following: (i) Drew Bledsoe probably wouldn't wear a $40 replica of his own jersey to go out on a Saturday night, (ii) the Patriots were playing in Buffalo the following morning, and (iii) my brother looks nothing like Drew Bledsoe (I know this because one of my bosses has a picture in his office of himself with Drew Bledsoe, and I have also seen Drew Bledsoe on television). None of that stopped him from signing autographs that night as Drew Bledsoe...

Dear Obnoxio: a concession speech is made when the outcome of a contest is still technically but not realistically in doubt, as a courtesy to the winner and to show the good sportsmanship of the loser. The outcome of TATJ is not in doubt, I'll be damned if I'm going to show you any courtesy, and I'm not much of a sportsman...

I've added the Boston Sports Guy to the Ultimate Cup tracking to the right as something of a benchmark, and I've stopped counting ties as wins so the win percentages are no longer inflated. I may not have done this if I were not still above 50% when calculated this way. And, just as suspected, the Anti-JYW is a sure fire money maker...

I plan to put together a bunch of trivia questions to use on long trips as something of a Jeopardy! style game. Like the question above, a category might be "Old School" trivia, with questions of varying degrees of difficulty. However, this game would only be useful under specific conditions, like a long car trip with two or more other people, or a plane flight where I know the two people next to me. The chances of either happening since I moved out of SF are pretty slim...

Two possible responses to the golf question "What's your handicap?" are "Bad breath and a short peter" and "Short stick and lots of strokes." I just learned the second one on IM...

I have two friends that are both often told they look like Vince Vaughn. One of them apparently looks so much like Vince Vaughn that when he goes places restaurant managers thank him for stopping by, and trashy LA newspapers write that he was spotted at that restaurant the next day. I'd like to get these two guys in a room together for a Vince Vaughn-off...

I am pretty sure we once thought hair metal bands were really cool, both for their music and their appearance...

Cloak and Dater

I was chatting with one of the chicks I work with today. She has been kind of a dating machine of late, if she is to be believed. (Note that this is not the 9/4 chick, who has since moved on to other pastures.) I think she's told me about 5 different dates with at least 3 different guys in the past week, including a one-night trip to Vegas to meet an ex-boyfriend who flew out from the east coast, and this was followed by a Sunday day date, where I think the guy even picked her up at the airport. Slut. But nothing "happened" in Vegas, according to this chick. Notwithstanding the fact that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I think she's really trying to sell it as nothing having happened. Because it happens so often that people who used to sleep together fly to from opposite coasts into an environment where drinking and risk-taking are commonplace and in fact the whole place is designed to encourage that behavior, and two exes just end up just hanging out as friends. I can't remember the exact quote, but there used to be a radio commercial for a TV show where a guy and a girl are having a conversation. They had slept together before, and I think were going on a trip together. The girl was saying that they weren't going to sleep together on the trip. The guy says something like "When two people who have had sex have the opportunity to have sex again, they're going to have sex, unless the sex sucked the first time. And sex with you didn't suck." Since I can't remember who said this quote, I may just refer to him from here on out as My Hero.

Anyhow, this chick let slip that, although she is dating a bunch of guys, when one of her dates leaves the room and his cell phone is laying on the table, she'll pick up the phone and look at the list of recently dialed numbers. If there are any girls on that list, she'll confront him with the information. Forget for a moment that this sort of behavior is completely BS, and is tantamount to a girl reading your email if you accidentally leave your account logged in, or opening your postal mail if you leave it out on the counter - checking the cell phone is apparently Standard Operating Procedure for chicks. I once had a roommate whose girlfriend accused him of cheating based on his cell phone call history. Turns out she was right to be suspicious, even though this roommate was able to explain the girl away as a college friend.

But the important question is, as always, how does this relate to my life? Well, I'll tell you. I have been dating two girls recently, and have something of a "friend with benefits" on the side. This is apparently the San Diego way of dating, though going from dating zero people, it has taken some getting used to. I don't tell lies, but I don't know which one I told which story to, so I am a little afraid of how often I might be repeating myself. Here's a quick snapshot of these chicks:

Exhibit A, nickname "Two." Age 27. Tall, athletic, pretty hot, funny, a lot of fun, and just got a dog. She is a bad e-mailer though, which is important to me. She is also a little passive and I often have to carry conversation, and we all know me carrying conversation is not a good idea. Fun girl, up for anything, but a little difficult to see anything developing long term. Mostly because she won't sleep with me.

Exhibit B, nickname "Myspace Girl." Age 33. Not quite as tall and athletic as Two, but still tall and athletic. Hotter than Two. Smart, and a good e-mailer, but a little boring, owns two cats, and shares a first name with one of the girls in my social group. Mitigating these issues, she is a big fan of the NFL, blackjack, and bar sports. She has great long-term potential, assuming I can get her to open up a bit.

Exhibit C, nickname "F*ck Buddy." Age 37. Shorter than the others. Very nice but could use a dose of self-confidence. Has a J-Lo type body that is built for naughtiness. Probably the best conversationalist of the three, and likes doing crossword puzzles. Got out of a long-term relationship recently and really wants to be in another one, which is a bit off-putting. Also, seems to like me, a strong indicator of mental instability.

The point of all this? That I have called or texted each of these chicks recently. And that when I go indoors, one of the first things I do is empty my pockets out onto the table. (I used to work with a guy who said one of their interviewees emptied his pockets onto the interviewer's table when the interview started. He was not hired, oddly enough.) And so it would be very easy for any one of these girls to pick up my cell phone and see the names of other girls. I don't have an exclusive arrangement with any of these girls and have never represented that I do, and thus far there has been no overlap as far as knowing any of them Biblically so I do not feel too bad about seeing all of them. However, I'd rather not answer any questions about who is A, or B, or C, if I don't have to.

The solution? For now, I've changed their names to a similar dude name. (Dr. Freud to Those Aren't Pillows Blog, Code Blue!) For example, "Martha" Stewart becomes "Mark" Stewart. However, I see flaws in this solution. First, one might wonder why "Mark" Stewart is sending me booty texts, and whether there really is a "Martha" at all. Secondly, if she snoops in my phone, "Martha" is going to wonder why her name has been entered as "Mark" and may well figure out that "Gene" and "Fred" are actually "Gina" and "Frieda." I guess the better solution would be to go to last names, but I have at least three sets of people in my phone that have the same last name so that won't really work. Plus, I didn't know the last name of Myspace Girl until earlier today. Assuming other women will eventually join the privileged few that are in my cell phone, I can't rely on the last name approach since this often isn't learned until later in the relationship, and I think entering someone as "UCSD Chick," "German Chick" or "Sidebar Chick" (all have been in my phone at one time or another) kind of defeats the purpose. For now, it will be "Mark," "Gene" and "Frieda," with the alternative being that I dial 10 different numbers right before I see any of these chicks. So if I call you around 8pm on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday, now you'll know why. Or maybe I can just erase my recently called list. I have a "smart" phone, and I'm sure they must have these sorts of features built in for the polyamorous among us. If not, this could be another million dollar idea in the making.

Wise Man Say, Part 2

Probably the most important words of wisdom:

"Never take sports betting advice from a sketchy blog." -- JW

Wise Man Say

For those of you that aren't allergic to free money, bet the farm on Cincy and give the points this morning. If you don't have a farm, borrow some money, buy a farm, then bet that farm on the Bengals. This is foolproof, even more foolproof than the Anti-JYW. And ask your kids to remember me in their Harvard graduation speeches.

Below are some other words of wisdom. They are generally not original thoughts, but if I don't know the source I am not going to go to the effort of properly crediting and quoting each phrase. Because I don't feel like it.

"Never show surprise, never lose your cool." -- Bryan Brown as Douglas Coughlin

"Go ugly early; it's cheaper." -- Ed S.

"If you haven't gotten any by midnight, go home. Because you ain't gettin' any, and if you do you'll wish you hadn't" -- Babe Ruth

"I never turned anything down but an old black man, and I turned him face down." -- Ed S.

"I'm a dirty old man, and I'll be a dirty old man until I'm a dead old man." -- Ed S.

"There are three rules for getting older: #1 - Never trust a fart. #2 - Never pass a bathroom. #3 - Never waste a hard-on, even if you're alone." -- Ed S.

"There are four things man needs to survive: Food, shelter, p*ssy, and strange p*ssy." -- Anonymous

"My girlfriend lives close enough for me to see her when I want to, but far enough that I can buy porn." -- WIllie P.

Pillow Talk

Trying out a new title for my intermittent ramblings. This title was suggested by my reader. It sounds a little gay, but so do half of my posts...

Speaking of gay, the latest post I've been working on is a reasonably in-depth analysis of homosexuality in rap music in the 1980's, using one particular song as an example. I can only foresee a few problems with this post. First, it could be interpreted as anti-gay (not to be confused with self-hating). I guess that could be advantageous from a readership building standpoint - some local media coverage may well double my page views. The bigger problem is that the post just isn't that funny, at least not yet. It is pretty funny (if offensive) in parts, but it is difficult to find something gay about every line of a rap song...

Other posts that are in rough draft form, and may or may not be finished (take "may not" and lay the points): the Madden Challenge (analysis of whether I could pick up more chicks than John Madden at a bar) and several Dating Field Reports...

I set up a meter for my blog, to see if anyone is actually visiting it. I've received two comments since then, but the site meter indicates that I've had zero visits. I think the meter might be broken...

I don't have a girlfriend, and I no longer know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that...

I have joined a football "picks league" and will be posting a weekly tally of the results for myself and a couple of schmoes that I know to the right. This picks league is not to be confused with the 7/8 Partnership, which only really got going last year after the general partners went their separate ways. I ended up 10-7 on the year, and I believe the other GP had a similar or possibly better record. I still believe I can consistently turn a profit betting on zero, one or two NFL games per week...

I had lunch with a 38-year old business colleague a few weeks ago. Besides talking about things like golf and work, we discussed MAME (emulates lots of classic arcade games, including Tournament Cyberball 2072 - should be downloadable here) and the Nintendo Wii. Although he's got two small children, I've been invited over to play Nintendo next wiikend...

Just went surfing for the first time. I am pretty banged up and sunburned right now (because real men don't wear sunscreen, though apparently a Real Man of Genius does), but it was a good time and I actually stood up a couple of times. I think I am going to get a longboard and wetsuit and try and get decent at this over the fall and winter...

I have been training for Fettkrieg 2 for approximately 3 weeks now, which is convenient since the competition has been over for approximately 3 weeks now. I have learned that my workout plan would have, er, worked out. By taking in a lot of protein and cutting back carbs, but not to the point of Atkins, I've lost about 1.5 inches from my waist (based on fit of pants) but have maintained my beginning weight...

Going to see Dave Matthews Band at the end of September. It will be my first DMB show...

Also training for a triathlon at the end of September. Well, actually it is like a triathlon but shorter - 500m swim, 15K bike, 5K run. I guess I'm not really training for it so much as I am just working out in general. I would think I could roll out of bed and do that "triathlon" without specifically training for it...

According to ESPN radio the other morning, the average size of an NFL QB is 6'2.5" and 218 lbs. Meaning I am pretty much exactly the average size of an NFL QB. If only I had exactly average the skill or salary of an NFL QB, I'd be onto something...

I bought two movies that I really wanted to see - "Borat" and "The Departed" - when they came out on DVD. They are both sitting in my TV stand wrapped in plastic. I guess I didn't want to see them as badly as I thought...

I haven't bowled a game in ages...

I played night golf (not glow-in-the-dark ball, but under the lights, like a baseball stadium) for the first time this summer. It was actually tougher than I thought it would be to see and find your ball under these conditions, but with an 8pm tee time you can still play a quick 9 holes after work...

I think if I had 27 at-bats against major league pitching (i.e. every hitter in the lineup for one team is me) I would probably go 0 for 27 with about 20 K's...

I have recently been told I look like I am anywhere from 27 to 30 years old. However, these comments came from (i) a 40-something year old woman at work that I think wants to do me, and (ii) a guy who works for tips. So I'm not reading too much into this...

I would really like to find a good, weekly bar trivia night in San Diego but I think that is more of an intellectual and bad weather San Francisco-type activity...

I can't decide if I am too old to have a myspace page. A girl I've gone on dates with a few times has one (she's 27), but my assistant at work has a more tricked-out page (she's 38, with 2 kids). It still feels wrong to me...

Reader Mailbag

OK folks, time to take a break from blogging and respond to some of the comments, questions and concerns that have been submitted by my readers.



And we're done.

A Crisis Situation

"The first rule in a crisis situation: you negotiate first and you attack last."

"The second rule in a crisis situation: if you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called."

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Julius Benedict, Twins

But what does Julius Benedict have to do with anything, you ask? And if you didn't ask, you were supposed to. In this particular case, the answer is "not the first damned thing."

But on the heels of my landmark, groundbreaking, watershed, Pulitzer Prize-winning Brush It Like Beckham post, I got to thinking. Now, I don't normally recommend this, since it usually causes more harm than good. But, undaunted, I started thinking: Am I having a mid-life crisis?

According to Wikipedia, some characteristics of mid-life crisis are:

* a desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness. (Yes.)
* a desire to initiate new sexual partnerships. (YES!!!)
* conspicuous consumption - acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, shotguns, etc. (Do Bud Light shotguns count?)
* paying special attention to physical appearance. (Yes.)

So, I came up with a list of Mid-Life Crisis Indicators for myself:

Pro Mid-Life Crisis:

* I recently changed my hairstyle to compensate for a receding hairline.
* Cougars are now perfectly age-appropriate, but I insist on dating 27 year-olds.
* I pluck gray hairs.
* I am training for a triathlon.
* I listen to morning radio, and prefer talk radio to music much of the time.
* I am taking surfing lessons.
* I recently purchased clothes at American Eagle.
* I sometimes grunt when sitting down or standing up. (Author's note: I pronounce "sometimes" as "all-waayz")
* I snowboard instead of ski, even though I like skiing more.
* The people from work I spend the most time with socially are aged 23 and 24 years.
* I am bothered by the fact that I am now almost twice as old as recent Playmates of the Month.
* I own Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix (with a Dance Pad) for Xbox 360 and I actually use it. (Wait, what do you mean this isn't a "I'm a Total Tool Crisis" post?)
* My father showed signs of mid-life crisis (hair dye-ing, philandering) in his 30's and into his 40's.

Anti Mid-Life Crisis:

* I do not have a toupee or hair plugs.
* I do not use Rogaine, Propecia, Alopecia or Alouette.
* I am not trying to date persons aged 23 or 24 years, whether I work with them or not.
* I do not dye my hair, and have not since 1999.
* The clothes I bought at American Eagle were cargo shorts, not a hoodie or graphic t-shirt.
* I don't have and am not planning on getting any tattoos or body piercings.
* I have not bought or leased a sports car or motorcycle.
* I don't hang out in PB (I don't hang out at playgrounds either, but that is more of a Megan's Law thing).
* I don't take adrenaline vacations.
* If 40 is the new 20, then I am not at mid-life yet, unless the Big Man knows something I don't know. Like that 40 is Not the new 20.

What does all this mean? Well, let's feed these data into the Mid-Life Crisis Indicator Reader Interpreter Device Thingy:


Result: Inconclusive. More Data Needed.

So, who knows what the future holds? Viagra? (Well, if we are splitting hairs here, more Viagra?) An endless string of meaningless relationships wherein I use 21 year-old balls hot blonds for sex, and they use me for money? I can live with that.

In the Rear With the Gear

I have been fortunate enough to attend three weddings in the last two weekends. At one of these weddings, I was seated at the head table. At the other two I was seated not at the head table, but at a different table. Maybe better described as the "back" table. At another recent wedding, I was seated with the parents of the bride, who spoke little English. At least to me. I am sure they spoke perfect English but just decided to pretend not to, as a way to avoid actually speaking with me. It reminds me of the time I was in Ensenada and asked a girl to dance with me. She turned to me, looked me directly in the eye, and said "I don't speak English." Since I am bilingual (well, I'm bi-something, I can't always remember what though) I quickly replied "Quieres bailar conmigo?" To which she said, "No hablo espanol cualquier." ("I don't speak Spanish either.") I decided to ask her to dance in the International language, which looked a hell of a lot like Maverick and Goose "Communicating... keeping up foreign relations" in the opening scene of Top Gun. Speaking of "bi."


But am I so dangerous that I must be sequestered in the rear or otherwise taken out of commission? There are a couple of possible explanations for positioning me this way:

* Keep the paparazzi away from me to the extent possible
* Keep my new and improved hairstyle from upstaging the bride and/or groom
* Minimize the disruption / keep the older folks from being mortified when I organize boat races between tables
* Keep me near the bathroom on the chance I have a tequila shot that doesn't sit quite like it ought to

Admittedly these are valid concerns, some more (last two) than others (first two). But I miss the single table. Back when there were single people at weddings, there were single tables. I was pretty money at the single table. Not that I would want me around singles either, since that is a pretty good way to turn them off of the whole marriage concept.

I also miss the bouquet toss and the garter throw. I still do these around the house, so I guess I miss them more in the wedding context. I would assume the reason these have been discontinued from weddings is that they are somewhat embarassing to the three people that are still single, especially those that have been dating someone for eight years with no proposal in sight. An alternate and equally likely explanation is that there were a few too many injuries resulting from fights over the bouquet after it was learned that I am a single man.

Current wedding trend that I am for: a friend becoming an internet-licensed minister for one day, and having that friend act as the priest, officiant, person who says "Do you? Do you? Kiss her." Current wedding trend I am against: giving the minister job to a marginally insane friend, along with a Franciscan monk robe and a battle axe.

Brush it Like Beckham

It started out with a simple comment, on Polk street, circa 2003. Didn't think anything of it at the time:

"[Name of Mutual Friend]'s going pretty quickly." - G$
"Yeah, glad I don't have that problem." - JW
"I don't know about that..." - G$

More recently:

"I wouldn't really change anything on the face, but there is a little receding going on..." - "Jill" (San Diego chick) early 2007

"The celebrity people say you look like is probably Vince Vaughn." - Online date chick, July 2007

Now, THAT was interesting. The celebrities I've been compared to are Marc Anthony, Ralph Macchio, Campbell Scott and Jim Carrey. Never heard Vince before.

There was also hard evidence. I never really looked at this evidence, but it was there all along:

The San Juan bachelor party really hammered the point home though:


Dude is losing his hair! I knew I was having grey hair issues, but since people have been pointing out my grey hairs to me since college, I am actually pretty pleased that it has advanced as slowly as it has. But this other thing, THIS is an issue. I really only see myself from the front in the mirror, and I've always had a high forehead, so I didn't know this was going on. This is something that happens to other people, not to me. WHY THE HELL WASN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THIS?!?!?

Can anything be done? I mean, besides a change in career:


Unfortunately I can't sing a lick, so I guess that's out. And yes, that is me as "Fat Elvis." Smartasses.

Luckily, there is another option. (Well, according to the internet, there are several options, including the Bruce Willis "Die Hard" look.) There just so happens to be an international sensation who has the same issues, and who has popularized a hairstyle that happens to be perfect for the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the $250 million man, David Beckham!


Can I get away with a "fauxhawk" like Becks can? So far, no one has said a thing. I don't think anyone will even notice the difference in hairstyle. That is, unless I do something stupid like post pictures of the new look on a blog.


As Borat might say, Success! Granted, I am looking pretty rough, but the photo was taken on a Sunday morning when I was out until 4am the night before (and nice beginning of a double chin there, fatass. Luckily I am trending away from that right now). I think the look is "professional" enough to wear at work, and my hair wasn't really cut to do this, so the look will improve over time. I was due for a hairstyle change anyway. So, problem (temporarily) solved, though I fear this may be the first step down a dark road that I may not want to travel.

Backside to the Future

I received an interesting e-mail today. It was from Marci812. The subject line read: "21/f... You wanna chat?" Based on the e-mail, I gather that Marci is new to town and thought she'd trying something new to meet people. She's a little nervous to be on there but she figures you only live once. If I get bored, I am to cum find her.

This is really similar to an e-mail I received from Lisa2981. In fact, it was exactly the same! Verbatim! And they both came from the same e-mail address: return@www.paid-product1.com! I bet you these two hotties are roommates, and they're too poor to afford their own e-mail addresses! They're probably desperate and would do anything for money! I am seeing a threesome in my future - JW, Marci812 and Lisa2981. Sweet!

But there is, as always, a catch. You see, Marci's e-mail is dated August 1, 2037. That e-mail won't even be sent for another 30 years, and if Marci812 sent it today, she did so when she was -9 years old! I haven't brushed up on my statutory rape law, but I am assuming sex with a -9 year old is against some kind of law, like maybe the laws of physics.

Now I'm afraid I'm going to end up disappointing Marci and Lisa. Regardless of the advances that are made in Viagra technology between now and 2037, I am just not certain that at age 65 I will be able to keep up with these two girls. The only logical thing to do is fill up a DeLorean with some plutonium, accelerate to 88 MPH and travel forward 30 years into Marci and Lisa's waiting arms. And someone does park a DeLorean in my parking structure. This is foolproof...

The Curse

I have this idea in my head about how my fantasy drafts go. Specifically, it seems like the first pitcher I take always shits the bed. Since CBS Sportsline keeps track of several years' worth of drafts, let's have a look and see if this fantasy postulate holds true.

Year: 2002
Team: Jackie Treehorn Presents Logjammin'

First pitcher taken: Chan Ho Park (3rd round)
Prior year stats: 1.17 WHIP, 3.50 ERA, 15-11, 8.5 K/9

Comment: Park was signed by the Rangers as a free agent for some ludicrous amount like $15M per year for 5 years. I figured his ERA would rise a bit, but so would his win total since the Rangers had a much more potent offense. I was right about the rise in ERA at least. Ended up at 9-8 with a 5.75 ERA, and did not even attempt any flying scissor-kicks on opposing pitchers.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2003
Team: A Team of Extraordinary Gentlemen

First pitcher taken: Robb Nen (4th round)
Prior year stats: 1.14 WHIP, 2.20 ERA, 6-2, 43 saves, 9.9 K/9

Comment: Nen was coming off an All-Star year. He was also coming off shoulder surgery, and didn't pitch an inning that year, after reports in spring training that he was fine. It seems that Dusty Baker blew out Nen's arm while the Giants blew the 2002 World Series to the Angels. Should have been tipped off by the fact that the radar gun was off when he appeared in the final exhibition games, at Pac Bell Park.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2004
Team: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

First pitcher taken: Kerry Wood (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.19 WHIP, 3.20 ERA, 14-11, 11.3 K/9

Comment: The two previous years were injury-free, but those were Dusty Baker "Leave 'em out there until their arms fall off" years. Wood got hurt in 2004 and ended up at 8-9, 3.72. For further evidence of the Dusty Baker Effect, see Prior, Mark (2002 - present). Oh, what I would have given to achieve healthy Wood in 2004.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2005
Team: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Draft Picks

First pitcher taken: Curt Schilling (1st round)
Prior year stats: 1.06 WHIP, 3.26 ERA, 21-6, 8.1 K/9

Comment: This fat fuck was coming off the "bloody sock" games of the playoffs and World Series, but was expected to be ready in time for the season. He was. If you consider 1.53 WHIP, 5.69 ERA, 8-8, 9 saves, 8.4 K/9 to be "ready." I was "ready" to punch my TV and/or computer monitor many times that year. Plus, Doug Mirabelli admitted that the blood on the sock was actually paint, so that obviously means that Schilling wasn't injured in 2005, but that he intentionally tanked to destroy my fantasy league chances. Yet another example of Curt being an asshole in a world filled with such examples.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2006
Team: Operation Shutdown

First pitcher taken: Bartolo Colon (2nd round)
Prior year stats: 1.16 WHIP, 3.48 ERA, 21-8, 6.3 K/9, Cy Young award

Comment: This fat fuck was injured in the World Baseball Classic and stunk up the joint to the tune of 1-5, 5.11 ERA before mercifully being shut down. Note that I was picking at the end of the 2nd round, and my first pick in the 3rd round was Rich Harden, who pitched well when he did pitch but was pretty much a similarly spectacular failure on the whole.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Year: 2007
Team: Don Imus's Nappy Headed Hos

First pitcher taken: Jason Schmidt (6th round)
Prior year stats: 1.26 WHIP, 3.59 ERA, 11-9, 7.6 K/9

Comment: This other fat fuck came out of spring training throwing 84 MPH, and ended up making 6 starts (1-4, 1.79 WHIP, 6.31 ERA) before being shut down for season-ending shoulder surgery. At least he raised his K/9 to 7.7, the ungrateful prick. And the joke is on him, since I traded him for Julio Lugo right before he was shut down. Actually, the joke might still be on me for making that trade.

Verdict: Shit the bed.

Overall First Pitcher Shitting the Bed Percentage: 100%. The Curse is legit!

Note to self: Don't draft pitchers.
Footnote to self: If you must draft pitchers, draft Yankee pitchers.